Safe in my hands

There is little going on today other than David Cameron claiming the Tories as the party of the NHS. Again my number one cadre shows his adeptness at the politics of cognitive dissonance.

He claims that hospitals should be punished by fines whenever anyone gets MRSA which, in effect, means punishing the hospital for failing to prevent the virus developing an immunity to antibiotics.

Cognitive dissonance was a tried and tested technique of the Chairman. It means saying one thing and doing another. For example: tell people that they are moving towards a socialist utopia while starving 23 million peasants to death.

Cameron says the Tories are the champions of the health service while threatening punitive measures against Doctors for something we don't understand properly and which they have little control over. Bit like paying thousands of pounds a term for your son to go to Eton only for him to be thrashed if he refuses to give some fifteen year old a blow job.

Cameron told the Today Programme that Andrew Lansley, the Shadow Health Secretary, was guaranteed to be the Health Secretary in the next Conservative Government. Guaranteed to get his colleagues in the Shadow Cabinet sharpening their knives more like.

Think back to August and Lansley was being described as 'exhuasted' and 'bungling' after making an arse of the latest Tory drive to save the NHS when they claimed that 29 NHS Trusts were ear marked for closure, only they weren't.




Back then Labour were 10 points ahead in the polls. My advice to Mr Brown is to immediately send in the tanks and crush that bloke in the tent on Parliament Square.

Mixing your messages and mixing your drinks

As the Beijing City authorities crackdown on the city's bad habits such as spitting and smoking in the street in time for this year's Olympics the UK press is foaming at the mouth over an orgy of drunken New Year violence topped off by PC Brunstrom claiming that ecstasy is no more harmful than aspirin.



While the press goes into an apoplectic moral hyperdrive and cracks begin to show in the capitalist system it was heartening to see the Mirror cheerfully lead with Ricky Hatton managing 57 pints, 17 vodka and Red Bulls, four vodkas, three whisky chasers, and a bottle of Moet champagne in just four days.

Madame Mao remains slightly confused.