The Number 36 Glorious People's Sexy Kebab Factory

Stalin in Hackney

According to Luke Akehurst Stalin, Lenin and Trotsky all visited Hackney, Southgate Rd in fact, for the 5th Congress of the Russian Social Democratic Workers Party in 1907.

The safe house where I am kept against my wishes is in Hackney.

When I escape from here I will visit this Mr. Akehurst.

Gorillas in our midst

Mum, it's not fair. I don't want to go. We haven't seen the Zebras yet.

In these days of political correctness it's not often you see a story like this. The BBC headline is 'Gorilla on Rampage'.

Apparently the beast escaped its compound at a zoo in Holland and bit a woman before smashing its way into a canteen where people had barricaded themselves in. It had to be subdued with tranquiliser darts.

If only it had been 80 foot high.

I am a golfer - I have no country

A golf club near Bristol has been forced to over turn its 88 year rule banning Germans and Austrians from the course.

We had a similar problem with Tibet in the 50s. Our solution was simple - evacuate the whole population and make them build roads.

Harry stays at home

"Please Sir, don't make me go"

There has been widespread unrest among the families of service men and women killed in Iraq following Sir Richard Dannatt's decision not to send Harry to the region after insurgents promised to throw cutlery at his table.

More Deputy Leader demagoguery

Although Madame Mao has not been directly canvassed over the Deputy Leadership of the Labour Party it is clear that she has been much in the thoughts of the left candidate, John McDonnell MP.

Benedict Brogan in the Mail reports in his blog yesterday that McDonnell's hands across the Irish Sea approach to power sharing may cause some trouble for Peter Hain, with whom he is reportedly engaged in some horsetrading over nominations . McDonnell apparently said in 2003 that:

"It's about time we started honouring those people involved in the armed struggle. It was the bombs and bullets and sacrifice made by the likes of Bobby Sands that brought Britain to the negotiating table. The peace we have now is due to the action of the IRA"

I'm sure this would go down a treat with Rev. Ian Paisley the new First Minister of Northern Ireland who Hain was pictured guffawing with alongside Bertie Ahern, Tony Blair and Martin McGuiness at the swearing in ceremony last week.

Given that the Chairman ran guns out of Beijing to just about every freedom movement going throughout the sixties and seventies it would seem that McDonnell his something of a visionary when it comes to foreign policy.

Does Gordon Brown have a sense of humour?

Apparantly not according to Evening Standard's dyspomaniac Peter Oborne. His analysis of Gordon Brown last night on C4's Dipatches programme was fairly savage. The premise was that out of 100 research interviews Gordon's mates such as Geoffrey Robins said he was great and everyone else said he was a cunt.

However, it has been reported elsewhere that at Sunday's Fabian Society leadership debate with John McDonell and Michael Meacher, who struggled between them to get one of them onthe ballot paper, that Gordon quipped that 'the left hand doesn't know what the extreme left hand is doing'.

Be careful Comrade. That kind of talk could mean engine failure.

Ugly politicians have rights too!

Since being told that the new First Minister of Scotland was a Fat Panda Eyed Wee Bastard Madame Mao has been in Edinburgh armed with bamboo shoots hoping to catch him to stitch his penus into an aphrodisiach pouch.

I was forced South of the Border, however, when I learnt that my comrade Kelly Hoare of the Australian Labor Party was receiving councilling after sexually harrassing a Government driver.

Apparantly she said to the driver 'why don't you come inside and fuck me?'.

Well, why not? Instead making a compliant to the Department of Finance and Administration, the driver should have been overjoyed at being chosen.

Whenever the Chairman was visiting one of the hundreds of special bunkers he had built around China he simply sent security men out to abduct nubile girls from nearby villages. This brought great joy to there families who knew that, despite the fact they might never see them again, their daughters were serving the people by being subjected to Mao's bloated and vile carcass bearing down on top them after a good lunch.

Bullying as a legitimate educational method

The Daily Mirror is reporting that Tony Blair's two boys were 'bullied' at school because of their dad's job.

What's all that about? "Oooh your dad only runs the country and rules over all the dominions of the British Empire". How posh is that?

What defines posh bullying at the fee paying London Oratory? Mild teasing more like. What do they have a go at you about - who was last to cum on the custard creams?

Hardly seagulling is it?

In China during the cultural revolution you knew when you were being bullied because hordes of university students would turn up and drag you out into the playground and whip you to death if you were decadent enough to wear glasses!!

We await the handsome spoilt prince with baited breath

While the showbiz pages continue to run stories about Prince Harry's girlfriend Chelsy visiting him as he prepares to leave for Iraq defence chiefs have changed their mind about deploying the 22 year old prince.

The move comes after insurgents promised to hunt Harry down and send him home to the Queen with his ears cut off.


One can only assume that if they had made the same threat to Harry's father the Queen would have jumped at the chance.

More Boris

Several papers this morning are running glowing testimonials to Yeltsin's prodigious alchohol consumption. The Sun has published a World Leaders' Caners League and reminded us that Churchill, despite being a capitalist running dog, sustained himself throughout the day with claret and soda , a bottle of champagne with dinner, port after meals, brandy after port, and a martini nightcap.

They also mention Stalin who liked the booze but neglected to mention that he had nightly parties where guests were forced to drink round after round of vodka and he used to make the politburo dance on the table to an old recording of 'How Much Is That Doggie In The Window'.

The Caners League also includes Pitt the Younger, Richard Nixon, George Brown, Peter the Great.

Inexplicably, they've included someon called Charles Kennedy in this league of World Leaders.

Famous for being in charge of a minor UK party and for being a bit ginger as far as I can make out.

In loving memory of Boris...

The violence of Miss Mexico

Organisers of the Miss Universe competition have forced Miss Mexico to change her dress on the grounds that it is too violent.

The dress, which is accessorised by a bullet belt, features pictures of public hangings and a man facing a firing squad during the Catholic uprising of 1926.

Hah! If we tried that in China we'd need to find a bigger hall to hold the dress.

Tag pensioners? I'll shave your head

Science Minister, Malcolm Wicks, is suggesting that elderly people should be tagged "for their own safety".

As a sprightly 92 year old I take offence.

What about this - why don't we get stupid so called socialist white middle class politicians and have hundreds of young angry students turn up chanting outside their office. Then we'll make them wear a dunce's hat and beat them death with broom handles outside in the street.

What about that, Malcolm? Eh, we know where you work. We can make you wear a piss soaked blindfold "just for your own safety".

BNFL - Puttin' on the Ritz

The weak UK liberal press are up in arms about reports that the bodyparts of 65 Sellafield workers were removed and stored without consent.

Police are looking for a 6 meter tall collection of gristle, bone and connective tissue that glows in the dark.

Sounds like the women's field athletics team for the Beijing olympics.

The Question Mark Kid

Following the horrendous events at Virginia Tech and the heart breaking split between Prince William and Kate Middleton, Prince Philip has taken the precaution of removing the keys to the gun cupboard from Prince Harry's butler.


The move comes following the discovery of Prince Harry stalking the Buying Department of Jigsaw in full army fatigiues with a bottle of Stolychanya and four gramms of cocaine.



A palace insider said, "Harry is just like any young man sowing his wild oates, eh, What!"

'Let's trash the average family-sized house disco party'

Madame Mao was strangely drawn to the story on Sky today about a girl who advertised a 'Skins' party on Myspace and 200 teenagers turned up and wrecked the joint.

One of the neighbour's who had tried to chase off party goers with a golf club told reporters "This is a quiet street. If there had been 15 or 20 kids, I would have been shocked but when there's that many and you see somebody getting out of a taxi with a suitcase full of alcohol, it sets the alarm bells ringing."

It does indeed. Apparantly there was £20,000 worth of damage and Mum's wedding dress had been pulled out and urinated on.

Can you imagine Chairman Mao's Myspace site: 'Come to the destruction of 4,000 years worth of culture by a guerrilla based communist party party'.

Did you know that between 1949 and 1976 3 million counter revolutionaries were killed by 'execution, mob or suicide'.

Now, that's a party.

Easter is about eggs

French Elections

To the BBC and news of the increasing Americanisation of the French Presidential elections. Madame Mao reads that the Presidential candidates are 'lining up sport stars for political support'.

I my day we also lined up sport stars, not for political support, mainly against the wall.

No matter, readers will be aware of my seething antipathy towards Segolene Royale for stepping on my toes as the only Madame of the Left. I note however that she has attracted support from socialist tennis star Yannick Noah and footballer Lilian Thuram who denounces the racism of conservative front runner, Nicolas Sarkozy.

Sarkozy himself as attracted the approval of former international Basile Boli who approves of plans to create an immigration and national identity ministry.

According to Boli he supports the move following on from his experience of playing in England and Japan.

However, my acolyte, Michael Connerty MP, who knows about these things has explained to me that far from playing in England Boli learnt his English politics during his time at Glasgow Rangers in the mid 1990s where he was regularly entreated by fans to march about while up to his knees in dead catholics.

I also understand that he managed only a year at the club scoring twice in 28 games. I would appear that far from setting the turf alight he was best known for adding his name to the menus of the Ibrox snack concessions. Hun Pies and Bluenose Burgers were joined by the almost existential Boli Soup.

Apparantly Scottish comrades find this sort of thing funny.

Up shit creek - inside Martin Strel's wetsuit

A Slovenian endurance athlete known as the Fishman has completed a 3,000 mile swim along the length of the Amazon.

The Fishman also known as Martin Strel had to avoid crocodiles and sharks and had his team chum parts of the river with blood and raw meat to keep the piranha fish away.

But the Fishman's most terrifying Amazon enemy was the toothpick fish which is attracted by urine and enters the body through the penis where it extends spiked barbs and begins eating.

"I never urinate straight into the water, I always urinate straight into my wetsuit" says Martin.

According to the Guardian he also suffered from high blood pressure and diahhorea.

Christ knows what the inside of his wetsuit must be like.