Is Noel Edmonds bald?

During an enforced period of bed rest yesterday evening Madame Mao was forced to watch a toe curling piece of agitprop called 'It Started With Swapshop'.

Younger cadres informed me that this was a form of social engineering initiated by the BBC in 1976.

No matter. The experience was valuable for two reasons:

1. The excruciating coldness between Keith Chegwin and Maggie Philbin meeting for the first time since she divorced him citing his two bottle of vodka a day drink problem.

2. It brought to Madame Mao's attention a television presenter called Noel Edmonds.

This is important because in the early part of December Madame Mao was required to travel through West London in a limousine (not an unpleasant experience and reminiscent of the glory years). My driver was a burly Cypriot comrade who informed me that the worst passenger he ever had was someone called Noel Edmonds "who was a complete cunt who kept shouting and screaming at me even though there was nothing I could do about the traffic". Mr. Edmonds refused to tip and made a point of repeatedly telling the poor driver this.

Most interestingly of all the comrade driver told me that Mr. Edmonds wears a hair piece and was completely bald while he was in the back of the limousine. Undoubtedly this explains his ill temper - he had lost his wig.

While I have a small unit working on this in the international intelligence attache in the Chinese Embassy in London no proof has so far been forthcoming.

Madame Mao would be extremely grateful to anyone wandering through her blog who can provide photographic or anecdotal evidence which may, or may not, be used as evidence in a future revolutionary tribunal.

Any contributions will be rewarded with huge amounts of foreign aid.

I am a Ford not a Lincoln

The Chairman's old friend Gerald Ford (seen above falling down the stairs of Airforce 1) has died today at the age of 93. Ford was the 38th President of the US and took over from Nixon after he was forced to resign following the Watergate scandal in 1974.

For many he will be forever associated with Lyndon Johnson's quote that he 'couldn't chew gum and walk at the same time' and his wife's alcohol and drug depedancy clinic.

Ford visited the Chairman in 1975 and far from the golf playing fool - who pardoned Nixon of all crimes after only a month in office - the Chairman found a wily old fox who was prepared to sanction the death of millions for short term political gain.

During the same tour of South East Asia Ford and Kissinger visited Indonesia's brutal dictator, Mohamed Suharto to give the green light for his plans to use US manufactured weapons to commit genocide in East Timor, causing at best 250,000 deaths.

His Chief Staff was a guy called Dick Cheney and his Defence Secretary was called Donald Rumsfield.

So bare in mind during the coming obituaries - he was a man of vision.

This year give the gift of ideology again

After reading about the BNP's Christmas Party in the Guardian today Madame Mao went on their web site to see what they had on their online shop.

You can imagine my suprise to this sculpture of Jewish poeple in their homeware section.

I think they may be confused as a party and may need severe correction.

The spirit of Christmas in China

Eight Christians in the Eastern Chinese city of Zangzhou have gone on trial today.

They have been charged with interfering with the law after vicously attacking a bulldozer with their bare hands following state correction of their decision to build a church without first completing the appropriate forms.

After a fair and free trial they will be found guilty and sentenced to three years.

This year give the gift of ideology

If comrades are still looking for that last minute holiday season gift they should check out Sinn Fein’s online gift shop.

You can buy the ‘IRA Undefeated Army’ t-shirt.
Why not, The Chairman paid for most of the guns ater all.

You can buy other items guaranteed to smooth the waters in any Glasgow bar inlcuding these attractive Long Kesh 81 football shirts commemorating the 'H' Blocks and the 25th anniversary of young men starving themselves to death for revolutionary freedom.

Turkmenbashi is dead. Long live the Turkmenbashi

Turkmenistan's authoritarian president Saparmurat Niyazov, who ruled the Central Asian country for 21 years, has died aged 66.

He renamed months and days in the calendar after himself and his family, and ordered statues of himself to be erected throughout the desert nation.

Cities, an airport and a meteorite were given his name.

His laws became increasingly personal. It was forbidden to listen to car radios or smoke in public, or for young men to wear beards.

There’s so few good men left.

Secretary No 1 of the State Peace and Development Council

For some reason the sullen and unresponsive leader of Burma, General Than Shwe, has escaped comment on this column.

Shwe is Secretrary No 1 in a three man military Junta which also includes Secretary No 2 and Secretary No 3.

Burma , or Myanmar as he renamed it in the 90s, is one of the most repressive regimes in the world. Millions have been doomed to starvation and slave labour (sound familiar?) in the midst of vicious ethnic cleansing which would have made the Chairman proud.

Shwe has come to terms with technology by banning fax machines, photocopiers and modems. Rumours also abound that following a bit of purge last year the three Secretaries had a gun battle indoors over a dispute about the wording of a document.

For some reason Myanmar has escaped the critical attention of the international community. China, of course, is generous to a fault in supplying weapons, dollars and diplomatic support. The US favours economic sanctions.

The European Union has restricted trade in pineapple juice.

We will watch with interest.

Still taking the Bish

As predicted yesterday the Bishop of Southwark's decision to go on the Today programme has been rewarded with a spate of articles taking the piss. There's a leader and a whole page in the Mirror and a page and cartoon in the Sun.

Who says the Lord doesn't need PR?

Bashing the Bishop

The Bishop of Southwark, Tom Butler, did an excellent job this morning kicking back to life the story about his drunken antics leaving the Irish Embassy’s Christmas reception last week.

Reports of how he had got so drunk that he’d climbed into the back of a random car and started throwing toys out the window and then claimed to parishioners that he had been mugged had pretty much disappeared after his boss, Arch Bishop Rowan Williams, supported his decision not to resign.

For reasons best known to himself Butler decided to call up the Today Programme and asked to go on to tell the world he had amnesia which he was taking very seriously. The cynical old hacks on Today, used to all kinds of dodgy damage limitation, must have been sniggering behind their hands as they mic’d up the Bishop.

Essentially, Butler used the 1970s New York pimp defence, best applied when said pimp gets caught coming out of another woman’s apartment:

“It want me – must have been someone looked like me. Who you gonna believe, bitch, me or yo’ lying eyes”.

Look forward to reading the story and calls for his resignation all over again between now and Christmas.

Obstacles to Peace

The BBC broke the story yesterday about the world's tallest person rescuing some dolphins by sticking his arms down their throats to remove blockages.

It's good to see the Government adopting the same proactive approach to foreign policy.

To the Death Car Robin

Tony Blair was questioned by the Met this morning.

In China when an official is found guilty of corrupution, they get the van out.

No Good Advice

It has been brought to Mme Mao attention that the "pop group" Girls Aloud are taking an active interest in the political sphere. As reported on the BBC they have made clear their thoughts on the downfall of British society. Some key thoughts and/or proposals include:

"It's boring. No 18-year-old wants to watch Gordon Brown doing his whole speech - turn it over!,"

"Politicians should stop trying to be cool and get on with running the country"

"You'd happily pay taxes if you thought: 'I'm paying them so a fireman or a nurse can have a decent wage',"

Now you'll forgive an old wizened Chinese women for not grasping the nuances of British pop music and the nature of its relationship with politics but I was under the impression that these five trollops were the runners-up in a reality TV show and have managed to maintain their celebrity until this time by racially abusing and assaulting nightclub toilet staff, admitting to drug use, marrying a professional footballer and constantly being pictured drunk in tabloid newspapers. Due to which they are entitled to say fuck all about anything important.

Who do they think they are? Bono?

Dealing with criminal elements

The horrific events taking place in Ipswich has prompted a media frenzy for Cracker style psychological profilers to fill the acres of pages given over to the story.

Madame Mao has offered her own insight and services as an expert in this field to the proper authorities. The solution is simple round up all the fat BMW owners in Norfolk and exterminate them. If the authorities are unable to identify the perpetrator or the crimes continue then we simply start with the next suspect social grouping - the 5,000 US Air Force personnel stationed at Lakenheath and Mildenhall for example, or all foreign HGV drivers heading for Felixstowe.

Let me introduce you to China's mobile execution unit or 'Death Car' which is currently replacing public execution by firing squad with lethal injection. More than 40 of the units are travelling around Chinese provinces administering justice.

VAN SPECS

Cost: $37,500 to $75,000, depending on vehicle's size
Length: 20 to 26 feet
Top speed: 65 to 80 mph

THREE SECTIONS

Execution chamber: in the back, with blacked-out windows; seats beside the stretcher for a court doctor and guards; sterilizer for injection equipment; wash basin
Observation area: in the middle, with a glass window separating it from execution area; can accommodate six people; official-in-charge oversees the execution through monitors connected to the prisoner and gives instruction via walkie-talkie.
Driver area

Production to date: at least 40 vehicles, made by Jinguan and two other companies in Jiangsu and Shandong provinces


As you can see there is little need for Anti Social Behaviour Orders in the People's Republic.

Sectarianism in Scotland

The Today Programme reports that in a bid to end religious sectarianism in Scotland the leaders of the protestant and catholic churches will attend the Rangers and Celtic game this weekend.

Madame Mao undertook vigorous research into the problem of religious bigotry in the West of Scotland through her disciple Michael Connarty in the 1970s.

The aim was to find out what made someone a catholic bigot or a protestant bigot.

While the answer is difficult the cause is simple.

It is easier to chant Fuck the Pope than it is to say Fuck The Moderator of the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland.

Pair of ...

When does a concert become a ‘gig’. It’s widely reported this morning that the Royal Princes, Wills and Harry, are organising a ‘gig’ to mark their mum’s birthday.

The event will be “full of energy, full of the sort of fun and happiness which I know she would have wanted” says the future King.

The Mirror reports that Charles and Camilla won't be there as the 'gig' is aimed at the Princes's generation.

What in God's name would a 24 year old and 22 year old be doing listening to Elton John, Duran Duran, The Enlgish National Ballet and Andrew Lloyd Webber?

Prezza and the Princess

There is much hilarity today following a story in the Sun about John Prescott losing a tooth while trying to deliver a 10 minute speech in just 5 minutes at a meeting of European Socialists in Portugal.

Contrast and compare, if you will, the plight of Zara Philips, Princess Anne's daughter and BBC 'Sport' Personality of the year who lost a tooth at a meeting of international posh twats when she crashed her horse and smashed up her teeth because she had a bloody great silver spoon in her mouth!

The Quiet Man roars again!

Ian Duncan Smith, former leader of the Conservative Party and head of David Cameron’s policy group on social inclusion, has published his findings on poverty today.

The break up of families has been singled out as the main cause of what’s wrong with post industrial Britain. Duncan Smith has offered an incisive piece of new thinking here.

It would seem the reason that divorce is on the increase because the state has been giving poor people money in recent decades. This has caused greedy parents to get a taste for it and then go to loan sharks to fund their crack habits and pay for plasma screen TVs.

The key points of Duncan Smith’s paper

Stop giving poor people money, it encourages indolence and ungodliness.

Give thugs a clip round the ear (up to and including the right to shoot people in the chest with a 12 bore shotgun if you catch them in your front room).

Re-introduce postal orders to buy tuck at school.

Ban homosexuality (but if a couple of chaps happen to be poofters and want to raise a family, good luck to ‘em).

Allow men in mufflers and flat caps to gather at street corners on frosty mornings in the hope of picking up a fair day’s wage in return for a fair day’s unskilled labour.

You do .... ? That's wonderful

I join with Mrs Thatcher this morning in expressing great sadness at the death of our friend J.R. Hartley.

You know, one of the happiest periods in my life were the months in England during the 1980s when Margaret and I searched the bookshops of London for a copy of the book he’d written on Fly Fishing as a young man.

You can imagine the look on his face when he opened the parcel and all the memories flooded out. I do hope his memories didn't trouble him too much lately. Especially about the time when Mr Allende was elected Secretary to the North Yorks Cycle Club. Terrible business.