And to think we eat these back home ...

Capitalist progoganda machine

This from the letters page in this months Weekly Worker:


Dear red English comrads!

Sorry for my English. I want just to say, enough
dream about fucking communizm. I
am already was living with him. No
money, no food, no freedom, nothing.
Even no sex ...

Igor
Russia

32 hours in Rwanda

David Cameron is in trouble after a being asked in Rwanda by a local TV journalist "What do you have to say about continuing with your visit to Rwanda when part of your constituency is currently devastated by floods?".

Cameron had decided to clear off to Rwanda to try and trump Gordon Brown on International Development with a team of 45 or so MPs and hangers on.

Cameron thought that being photographed on Sunday afternoon in his Witney consituency before heading to the airport would provide cover for his long planned African adventure despite being in the midst of a developing national disastour at home. Unfortunatly for him his two by election defeats coupled with a continued Brown bounce in the polls has meant the political tide is now starting slop over the top of the Tory leader's wellies.

At a meeting for Rwandan MPs, at which only 12 turned up, the Chamber was momentarily plunged into darkness following a power surge. "I'm happy to see you again" said Cameron when the lights returned.

Lucky disgraced front bencher, Patrick Mercer, wasn't there or there might have been further embarassing jokes about not being able to "see 'em if they don't smile and shut their eyes".

Get out and fucking push

Luckily in the People's Republic of China mobile phones are not authorised to those without special permission from their unit.



Those repsonsible for the offending piece of footage can expect a lengthy period of self criticism.

Shirley Bin Laden

Madame Mao is shocked and horrified that a 51 year old divorcee from Cheshire has married one of Osama Bin Laden's sons who is only half her age.

Doesn't she know marriage is an outmoded concept and a construct of male gender hegemony?

I wonder what the wedding dress will be like ... ?

Machete prices - slashed

While Gordon Brown and David Cameron square up to each other across the dispatch box armed only with their wit Madame Mao has noted that the bottom has fallen out of the machete market in Nigeria following the presidential elections.

It would seem that the machete is the weapon of choice for Nigeria's political thugs and the price of a good quality blade has dropped from £1.50 to 75p. Such is supply and demand.

One trader reports that before the election he was selling seven machetes a day and now he can hardly shift one.

Is there a Minister for machetes in Nigeria, I wonder? If there is I would imagine he's shitting himself in case he gets a delegation from the Machete Manufacturers Union.

Miss Atom 2007

At last Miss Atom 2007 has been crowned. The search to find the most beautiful woman working in the Russia nuclear industry in the former Soviet Republics is finally over.

Readers will remember that Madame Mao is not only good friends with Danielle Lloyd but also that she was Comrade Miss Shanghai 1935.

Since those heady days I've kept a keen eye on Socialist beauty pageants. Shame that despite being in an age of oligarchy where Moscow boasts 35 billionaires and some of the most expenseive hotel accomodation in the Northern Hemisphere that the competition organisesrs could only afford an old school gym to crown Miss Atom 2007.

The real transisiton at Number 10

Madame Mao was somewhat disorientated by the orderly transition from Tony Blair to Gordon Brown that took place yesterday. As it is I awaited the customory arrest of supporters of the old leader and confessions that they were 100% deviationist sabatours. This did not take place. Yet.


Instead the transition that did catch Madame Mao's eye was the picture taken outside Number 10 of the moment Comrade Leo Blair ceased to be a picture on a mug and began the journey to become a a full blown D list celeb. At 17 I'm sure we'll see him on Celebrity Courtney Love Arse Bandit along with the gay Beckham children and the withered pap of celebrity that is Calumn Best.

Poor Lad.

Charlie's Angel (of death)

It has been remiss of Madame Mao to allow Comrade Diaz's courageous trip to Peru - wearing a bag emblazoned with a profile of the Chairman and one of his favourite slogans 'Serve the People' - to go without comment.

Comrades will be aware of the on-going People's War being waged in Peru by the Peruvian Communist Party (Maoist) better known as the the Shining Path to you and me.

The Shining Path advocated a peasant guerrilla revolution and was responsible for some 70,000 deaths. When they weren't bursting into bourgeois birthday parties in balaclavas and hosing down the teenage guests with hot lead they were murdering rival Marxists, trade unionists while reserving special hatred for factionalist splitters the Túpac Amaru Revolutionary Movement. (Spit!)

Here's the Shining Path Decleration on Human Rights:

Our position is very clear. We reject and condemn human rights because they are bourgeois, reactionary, counterrevolutionary rights, and are today a weapon of revisionists and imperialists, principally Yankee imperialists.

So frateranl greetings to Comrade Diaz and her decision to use her celebrity to bring to the world's attention the suffering of the peasant class in the land of the Incas. I formally add her name to the role honour of my celebrity acolytes which includes David Bowie and British MP Michael Connarty.

Comrade Facebook - where over a billion people are already sharing

At last modern technology has exposed the class schisms of capitalism. Research by the University of California has shown that Facebook is the preserve of the white educated classes and Myspace is for everybody else.

The study even showed that the US military force of occupation in Mesopotamia has banned Myspace as part of its campaign to stop soldiers blogging about the realities of life in the desert. Facebook - overwhelmingly used by the white elite officer corp - was not touched.

Long before Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 we knew that the percentage of poor Hispanic and black proletariat recruited to the army far outstripped their percentage of the total population.

As any student of communism will know the Internet was invented by The Chairman in 1972. He also put in place a People's social networking programme where whole villages were banned from talking, made to work in paddy fields and had their names replaced by a simple numbering system.

Even the facists experimented with social networking in the 1940s except they called it Volksbook and actually had the numbers tattooed on the inside of their members forearms.

We in the Politburo used to laugh at meetings and sing the theme tune to the banned US sit-com show Cheers "Where everybody knows your name".

Good times.

Who says the tradition of a 'good' lunch in politics is dead?

I got a crush on Obama

Madame Mao is devestated by the regressive tactics of this US Presidential hopeful.

I had such hopes of bouncing little Obama on my knee and now I will have to destroy him as a conspiratator and factionalist.

At least British politicians could never be accused of such overt sexism.

Pol Pot wins Britain Has Talent

Can you imagine my happiness as I was woken this morning by my tiny Comrade Manservant and the news that Pol Pot had been chosen by the public as the winner of the Britain Has Talent competition.

At last, a megalomaniac who caused the deaths of untold millions, has been recognised for their genius by the reality TV generation.

Perhaps now Simon Cowell will return my calls about my idea of rounding up everyone with a family income of more than $50,000, seizing their possessions on behalf of the people and forcing them to work the land.

The public would then get to vote on who would be executed based on how many relatives they were able to denounce following sleep deprivation and partial drowning.

The Number 36 Glorious People's Sexy Kebab Factory

Stalin in Hackney

According to Luke Akehurst Stalin, Lenin and Trotsky all visited Hackney, Southgate Rd in fact, for the 5th Congress of the Russian Social Democratic Workers Party in 1907.

The safe house where I am kept against my wishes is in Hackney.

When I escape from here I will visit this Mr. Akehurst.

Gorillas in our midst

Mum, it's not fair. I don't want to go. We haven't seen the Zebras yet.

In these days of political correctness it's not often you see a story like this. The BBC headline is 'Gorilla on Rampage'.

Apparently the beast escaped its compound at a zoo in Holland and bit a woman before smashing its way into a canteen where people had barricaded themselves in. It had to be subdued with tranquiliser darts.

If only it had been 80 foot high.

I am a golfer - I have no country

A golf club near Bristol has been forced to over turn its 88 year rule banning Germans and Austrians from the course.

We had a similar problem with Tibet in the 50s. Our solution was simple - evacuate the whole population and make them build roads.

Harry stays at home

"Please Sir, don't make me go"

There has been widespread unrest among the families of service men and women killed in Iraq following Sir Richard Dannatt's decision not to send Harry to the region after insurgents promised to throw cutlery at his table.

More Deputy Leader demagoguery

Although Madame Mao has not been directly canvassed over the Deputy Leadership of the Labour Party it is clear that she has been much in the thoughts of the left candidate, John McDonnell MP.

Benedict Brogan in the Mail reports in his blog yesterday that McDonnell's hands across the Irish Sea approach to power sharing may cause some trouble for Peter Hain, with whom he is reportedly engaged in some horsetrading over nominations . McDonnell apparently said in 2003 that:

"It's about time we started honouring those people involved in the armed struggle. It was the bombs and bullets and sacrifice made by the likes of Bobby Sands that brought Britain to the negotiating table. The peace we have now is due to the action of the IRA"

I'm sure this would go down a treat with Rev. Ian Paisley the new First Minister of Northern Ireland who Hain was pictured guffawing with alongside Bertie Ahern, Tony Blair and Martin McGuiness at the swearing in ceremony last week.

Given that the Chairman ran guns out of Beijing to just about every freedom movement going throughout the sixties and seventies it would seem that McDonnell his something of a visionary when it comes to foreign policy.

Does Gordon Brown have a sense of humour?

Apparantly not according to Evening Standard's dyspomaniac Peter Oborne. His analysis of Gordon Brown last night on C4's Dipatches programme was fairly savage. The premise was that out of 100 research interviews Gordon's mates such as Geoffrey Robins said he was great and everyone else said he was a cunt.

However, it has been reported elsewhere that at Sunday's Fabian Society leadership debate with John McDonell and Michael Meacher, who struggled between them to get one of them onthe ballot paper, that Gordon quipped that 'the left hand doesn't know what the extreme left hand is doing'.

Be careful Comrade. That kind of talk could mean engine failure.