Safe in my hands

There is little going on today other than David Cameron claiming the Tories as the party of the NHS. Again my number one cadre shows his adeptness at the politics of cognitive dissonance.

He claims that hospitals should be punished by fines whenever anyone gets MRSA which, in effect, means punishing the hospital for failing to prevent the virus developing an immunity to antibiotics.

Cognitive dissonance was a tried and tested technique of the Chairman. It means saying one thing and doing another. For example: tell people that they are moving towards a socialist utopia while starving 23 million peasants to death.

Cameron says the Tories are the champions of the health service while threatening punitive measures against Doctors for something we don't understand properly and which they have little control over. Bit like paying thousands of pounds a term for your son to go to Eton only for him to be thrashed if he refuses to give some fifteen year old a blow job.

Cameron told the Today Programme that Andrew Lansley, the Shadow Health Secretary, was guaranteed to be the Health Secretary in the next Conservative Government. Guaranteed to get his colleagues in the Shadow Cabinet sharpening their knives more like.

Think back to August and Lansley was being described as 'exhuasted' and 'bungling' after making an arse of the latest Tory drive to save the NHS when they claimed that 29 NHS Trusts were ear marked for closure, only they weren't.




Back then Labour were 10 points ahead in the polls. My advice to Mr Brown is to immediately send in the tanks and crush that bloke in the tent on Parliament Square.

Mixing your messages and mixing your drinks

As the Beijing City authorities crackdown on the city's bad habits such as spitting and smoking in the street in time for this year's Olympics the UK press is foaming at the mouth over an orgy of drunken New Year violence topped off by PC Brunstrom claiming that ecstasy is no more harmful than aspirin.



While the press goes into an apoplectic moral hyperdrive and cracks begin to show in the capitalist system it was heartening to see the Mirror cheerfully lead with Ricky Hatton managing 57 pints, 17 vodka and Red Bulls, four vodkas, three whisky chasers, and a bottle of Moet champagne in just four days.

Madame Mao remains slightly confused.

You've been a very naughty comrade

In this maelstrom of materialism which is the beginning of the 21st Century Madame Mao is even now shocked by the news that a Nottinghamshire mother sent a strip-o-gram to her son's classroom to mark his sixteenth birthday.

Before the teacher was able to put a stop to the kinky high jinks the poor lad was forced to rub whipped cream into the buttocks of a decedent raven haired beauty.






Of course we had similar events in the classroom during the cultural revolution but instead of sexy western girls we stripped the teachers, blindfolded them with urine soaked rags and beat them to death with rakes and shovels.

Serve the people.

Stuffed to bursting point 吃饱撑的

"When the communes were first set up, it was real communism. The mess hall was great. We got to eat things made from wheat flour every day, and they were always slaughtering pigs for us. For a while it seemed that they were telling the truth and we were going to enter heaven. No one would have believed you if you had suggested that the Communist Party had got it all wrong. There would have been real outrage. They said that 'Communism is heaven, and the communes are the bridge that will take us there.' We felt like we were crossing that bridge, could heaven really be far away?

Then, in 1960, the big floods came. It was the worst disaster in a century. The water came right up to our kang2. In an instant the Dragon King had harvested both our summer crops and the seed for the autumn planting. There was nothing left. Add the commune system on the top of that and it meant we were facing complete disaster.

Initially, the leaders said we shouldn't worry, as the people's communes would be able to sort everything out. But what could they do? Our confidence collapsed overnight. We could just about cope with the spring crop failure, but the floods meant that there was no hope. We started to starve. I didn't have the energy to go to school anymore, and anyway the teachers were too weak to teach. We were in a state of limbo for over a year - pathetically, desperately hungry all the time. What was it like? It's hard to explain. All you could ever think of was how you could find something - anything - to eat.

At first we ate all the wild vegetables we could find and then we ate leaves from the trees. When those ran out we started stripping off the bark. Initially, we were still fussy about what kinds of bark we would eat, but later on we'd be happy to have anything at all and soon the trees were stripped bare. You might think some bark would taste pretty awful, but believe you me, if you're hungry enough, you can even be happy to eat pine bark. Honestly, we'd eat anything we could lay our hands on. Apart from other people, we killed and ate every living thing in sight. People were too starving to talk, so the village was as silent as the grave, day and night. Thank heavens there were some older people in the village who had experienced famine before. They told us that in circumstances like this all we could eat was 'Guanyin clay.'3 It helped a bit; eating it made you feel like you weren't quite so desperately hungry. But it was only dirt, after all, so it didn't give you any nourishment, and it didn't make you feel any less anxious; you were still as weak as ever. And it might have been easy to gobble down, but let me tell you it was a bastard to shit out."

- From someone who was there.

Madame Mao has stirred and she waits for her manservant to bring her morning tea. Her cell has been activated and the leading cadres have been sent to the central committee for further instruction on cognitive dissonance.

17th Congress of the Communisty Party of the People's Republic of China

Madame Mao has been away on a long convalescence. To mark the 17th Party Congress (to which I have not been invited after being purged by rightist elements in 1990), I am posting a heart warming pic of comrade tea pourers pouring tea for the comrade delegates.



From each according to their ability ...

Deen Reed - Red Suede Shoes

Dean Reed was the Red Elvis. After good ole' boy rock and roll fell out of fashion in the 60s Reed defected to the Eastern Bloc where he became a massive star in the Soviet Union and in Marxist Latin America.

Reed chose to live and die behind the wall in East Germany, mysteriously committing suicide in a lake near his home in the mid 1980s.

Despite being, in effect, a global phenomenon who sang about struggle and Texas he was never heard of in the West.

It's worth watching this trailer just to see the images at the end of the peoples' cowboy stepping through Lebanese rubble armed only with his six string and an AK47.

He also had a talking horse.

Elvish Smelvish - 30 years since the death of a cultural icon

Thankyou Ma'am.

Dawn's bare necessity

Madame Mao was slightly titillated to see pics of Lucy Davies who plays Dawn in The Office stark naked except for a toy bear in PETA's latest campaign to stop the British Army making ceremonial hats out of bear fur.

With my interest piqued I had a look at some of PETA's other campaigns and found this:




Wear a dog? What is this photo about? Does this guy from ER have his cock in the dog?

Of course Madame Mao wouldn't wear a dog, or a bear, but she might eat one, or cut off its genitals or sell its paws as ashtrays.

You Westerners are crazy.

The thoughts of Chairman Churchill

Back in the 50s Madame Mao was helping the Chairman build Socialism while capitalist running dog Winston Churchill was enjoying his second term as Prime Minister despite encroaching senility and dipsomania.

The Guardian today uncovers secret notes between Churchill and the his cabinet on the thorny issue of race and immigration.

Churchill says "Problems will arise if many coloured people settle here. Are we to saddle ourselves with colour problems in UK? Attracted by Welfare State. Public opinion in UK won't tolerate it once it gets beyond certain limits."

In considering quotas Cabinet Secretary, Sir Norman Brook, says that there is a good case for excluding 'riff-raff'.

Shut your eyes and you can almost hear Patrick Mercer.

Get on one, Comrade

The Sun tells us this morning that Sir Michael Caine is releasing an album of chill out dance music. The kind used by decedant western youth to come down from the effects of ecstacy tablets.

Sir Michael's album will be called Cained.

In China this is taken very seriously. To paraphase Marx - Methylenedioxy-N-methylamphetamine hydrochloride is the opiate of the masses.

We too have believe getting caned is the solution to the ecstacy problem. However, we use bamboo and dried birch faggots. If it's a party you want - come to the communist party.

And to think we eat these back home ...

Capitalist progoganda machine

This from the letters page in this months Weekly Worker:


Dear red English comrads!

Sorry for my English. I want just to say, enough
dream about fucking communizm. I
am already was living with him. No
money, no food, no freedom, nothing.
Even no sex ...

Igor
Russia

32 hours in Rwanda

David Cameron is in trouble after a being asked in Rwanda by a local TV journalist "What do you have to say about continuing with your visit to Rwanda when part of your constituency is currently devastated by floods?".

Cameron had decided to clear off to Rwanda to try and trump Gordon Brown on International Development with a team of 45 or so MPs and hangers on.

Cameron thought that being photographed on Sunday afternoon in his Witney consituency before heading to the airport would provide cover for his long planned African adventure despite being in the midst of a developing national disastour at home. Unfortunatly for him his two by election defeats coupled with a continued Brown bounce in the polls has meant the political tide is now starting slop over the top of the Tory leader's wellies.

At a meeting for Rwandan MPs, at which only 12 turned up, the Chamber was momentarily plunged into darkness following a power surge. "I'm happy to see you again" said Cameron when the lights returned.

Lucky disgraced front bencher, Patrick Mercer, wasn't there or there might have been further embarassing jokes about not being able to "see 'em if they don't smile and shut their eyes".

Get out and fucking push

Luckily in the People's Republic of China mobile phones are not authorised to those without special permission from their unit.



Those repsonsible for the offending piece of footage can expect a lengthy period of self criticism.

Shirley Bin Laden

Madame Mao is shocked and horrified that a 51 year old divorcee from Cheshire has married one of Osama Bin Laden's sons who is only half her age.

Doesn't she know marriage is an outmoded concept and a construct of male gender hegemony?

I wonder what the wedding dress will be like ... ?

Machete prices - slashed

While Gordon Brown and David Cameron square up to each other across the dispatch box armed only with their wit Madame Mao has noted that the bottom has fallen out of the machete market in Nigeria following the presidential elections.

It would seem that the machete is the weapon of choice for Nigeria's political thugs and the price of a good quality blade has dropped from £1.50 to 75p. Such is supply and demand.

One trader reports that before the election he was selling seven machetes a day and now he can hardly shift one.

Is there a Minister for machetes in Nigeria, I wonder? If there is I would imagine he's shitting himself in case he gets a delegation from the Machete Manufacturers Union.

Miss Atom 2007

At last Miss Atom 2007 has been crowned. The search to find the most beautiful woman working in the Russia nuclear industry in the former Soviet Republics is finally over.

Readers will remember that Madame Mao is not only good friends with Danielle Lloyd but also that she was Comrade Miss Shanghai 1935.

Since those heady days I've kept a keen eye on Socialist beauty pageants. Shame that despite being in an age of oligarchy where Moscow boasts 35 billionaires and some of the most expenseive hotel accomodation in the Northern Hemisphere that the competition organisesrs could only afford an old school gym to crown Miss Atom 2007.

The real transisiton at Number 10

Madame Mao was somewhat disorientated by the orderly transition from Tony Blair to Gordon Brown that took place yesterday. As it is I awaited the customory arrest of supporters of the old leader and confessions that they were 100% deviationist sabatours. This did not take place. Yet.


Instead the transition that did catch Madame Mao's eye was the picture taken outside Number 10 of the moment Comrade Leo Blair ceased to be a picture on a mug and began the journey to become a a full blown D list celeb. At 17 I'm sure we'll see him on Celebrity Courtney Love Arse Bandit along with the gay Beckham children and the withered pap of celebrity that is Calumn Best.

Poor Lad.

Charlie's Angel (of death)

It has been remiss of Madame Mao to allow Comrade Diaz's courageous trip to Peru - wearing a bag emblazoned with a profile of the Chairman and one of his favourite slogans 'Serve the People' - to go without comment.

Comrades will be aware of the on-going People's War being waged in Peru by the Peruvian Communist Party (Maoist) better known as the the Shining Path to you and me.

The Shining Path advocated a peasant guerrilla revolution and was responsible for some 70,000 deaths. When they weren't bursting into bourgeois birthday parties in balaclavas and hosing down the teenage guests with hot lead they were murdering rival Marxists, trade unionists while reserving special hatred for factionalist splitters the Túpac Amaru Revolutionary Movement. (Spit!)

Here's the Shining Path Decleration on Human Rights:

Our position is very clear. We reject and condemn human rights because they are bourgeois, reactionary, counterrevolutionary rights, and are today a weapon of revisionists and imperialists, principally Yankee imperialists.

So frateranl greetings to Comrade Diaz and her decision to use her celebrity to bring to the world's attention the suffering of the peasant class in the land of the Incas. I formally add her name to the role honour of my celebrity acolytes which includes David Bowie and British MP Michael Connarty.