You've been a very naughty comrade

In this maelstrom of materialism which is the beginning of the 21st Century Madame Mao is even now shocked by the news that a Nottinghamshire mother sent a strip-o-gram to her son's classroom to mark his sixteenth birthday.

Before the teacher was able to put a stop to the kinky high jinks the poor lad was forced to rub whipped cream into the buttocks of a decedent raven haired beauty.






Of course we had similar events in the classroom during the cultural revolution but instead of sexy western girls we stripped the teachers, blindfolded them with urine soaked rags and beat them to death with rakes and shovels.

Serve the people.

Stuffed to bursting point 吃饱撑的

"When the communes were first set up, it was real communism. The mess hall was great. We got to eat things made from wheat flour every day, and they were always slaughtering pigs for us. For a while it seemed that they were telling the truth and we were going to enter heaven. No one would have believed you if you had suggested that the Communist Party had got it all wrong. There would have been real outrage. They said that 'Communism is heaven, and the communes are the bridge that will take us there.' We felt like we were crossing that bridge, could heaven really be far away?

Then, in 1960, the big floods came. It was the worst disaster in a century. The water came right up to our kang2. In an instant the Dragon King had harvested both our summer crops and the seed for the autumn planting. There was nothing left. Add the commune system on the top of that and it meant we were facing complete disaster.

Initially, the leaders said we shouldn't worry, as the people's communes would be able to sort everything out. But what could they do? Our confidence collapsed overnight. We could just about cope with the spring crop failure, but the floods meant that there was no hope. We started to starve. I didn't have the energy to go to school anymore, and anyway the teachers were too weak to teach. We were in a state of limbo for over a year - pathetically, desperately hungry all the time. What was it like? It's hard to explain. All you could ever think of was how you could find something - anything - to eat.

At first we ate all the wild vegetables we could find and then we ate leaves from the trees. When those ran out we started stripping off the bark. Initially, we were still fussy about what kinds of bark we would eat, but later on we'd be happy to have anything at all and soon the trees were stripped bare. You might think some bark would taste pretty awful, but believe you me, if you're hungry enough, you can even be happy to eat pine bark. Honestly, we'd eat anything we could lay our hands on. Apart from other people, we killed and ate every living thing in sight. People were too starving to talk, so the village was as silent as the grave, day and night. Thank heavens there were some older people in the village who had experienced famine before. They told us that in circumstances like this all we could eat was 'Guanyin clay.'3 It helped a bit; eating it made you feel like you weren't quite so desperately hungry. But it was only dirt, after all, so it didn't give you any nourishment, and it didn't make you feel any less anxious; you were still as weak as ever. And it might have been easy to gobble down, but let me tell you it was a bastard to shit out."

- From someone who was there.

Madame Mao has stirred and she waits for her manservant to bring her morning tea. Her cell has been activated and the leading cadres have been sent to the central committee for further instruction on cognitive dissonance.

17th Congress of the Communisty Party of the People's Republic of China

Madame Mao has been away on a long convalescence. To mark the 17th Party Congress (to which I have not been invited after being purged by rightist elements in 1990), I am posting a heart warming pic of comrade tea pourers pouring tea for the comrade delegates.



From each according to their ability ...

Deen Reed - Red Suede Shoes

Dean Reed was the Red Elvis. After good ole' boy rock and roll fell out of fashion in the 60s Reed defected to the Eastern Bloc where he became a massive star in the Soviet Union and in Marxist Latin America.

Reed chose to live and die behind the wall in East Germany, mysteriously committing suicide in a lake near his home in the mid 1980s.

Despite being, in effect, a global phenomenon who sang about struggle and Texas he was never heard of in the West.

It's worth watching this trailer just to see the images at the end of the peoples' cowboy stepping through Lebanese rubble armed only with his six string and an AK47.

He also had a talking horse.

Elvish Smelvish - 30 years since the death of a cultural icon

Thankyou Ma'am.

Dawn's bare necessity

Madame Mao was slightly titillated to see pics of Lucy Davies who plays Dawn in The Office stark naked except for a toy bear in PETA's latest campaign to stop the British Army making ceremonial hats out of bear fur.

With my interest piqued I had a look at some of PETA's other campaigns and found this:




Wear a dog? What is this photo about? Does this guy from ER have his cock in the dog?

Of course Madame Mao wouldn't wear a dog, or a bear, but she might eat one, or cut off its genitals or sell its paws as ashtrays.

You Westerners are crazy.

The thoughts of Chairman Churchill

Back in the 50s Madame Mao was helping the Chairman build Socialism while capitalist running dog Winston Churchill was enjoying his second term as Prime Minister despite encroaching senility and dipsomania.

The Guardian today uncovers secret notes between Churchill and the his cabinet on the thorny issue of race and immigration.

Churchill says "Problems will arise if many coloured people settle here. Are we to saddle ourselves with colour problems in UK? Attracted by Welfare State. Public opinion in UK won't tolerate it once it gets beyond certain limits."

In considering quotas Cabinet Secretary, Sir Norman Brook, says that there is a good case for excluding 'riff-raff'.

Shut your eyes and you can almost hear Patrick Mercer.

Get on one, Comrade

The Sun tells us this morning that Sir Michael Caine is releasing an album of chill out dance music. The kind used by decedant western youth to come down from the effects of ecstacy tablets.

Sir Michael's album will be called Cained.

In China this is taken very seriously. To paraphase Marx - Methylenedioxy-N-methylamphetamine hydrochloride is the opiate of the masses.

We too have believe getting caned is the solution to the ecstacy problem. However, we use bamboo and dried birch faggots. If it's a party you want - come to the communist party.

And to think we eat these back home ...

Capitalist progoganda machine

This from the letters page in this months Weekly Worker:


Dear red English comrads!

Sorry for my English. I want just to say, enough
dream about fucking communizm. I
am already was living with him. No
money, no food, no freedom, nothing.
Even no sex ...

Igor
Russia

32 hours in Rwanda

David Cameron is in trouble after a being asked in Rwanda by a local TV journalist "What do you have to say about continuing with your visit to Rwanda when part of your constituency is currently devastated by floods?".

Cameron had decided to clear off to Rwanda to try and trump Gordon Brown on International Development with a team of 45 or so MPs and hangers on.

Cameron thought that being photographed on Sunday afternoon in his Witney consituency before heading to the airport would provide cover for his long planned African adventure despite being in the midst of a developing national disastour at home. Unfortunatly for him his two by election defeats coupled with a continued Brown bounce in the polls has meant the political tide is now starting slop over the top of the Tory leader's wellies.

At a meeting for Rwandan MPs, at which only 12 turned up, the Chamber was momentarily plunged into darkness following a power surge. "I'm happy to see you again" said Cameron when the lights returned.

Lucky disgraced front bencher, Patrick Mercer, wasn't there or there might have been further embarassing jokes about not being able to "see 'em if they don't smile and shut their eyes".

Get out and fucking push

Luckily in the People's Republic of China mobile phones are not authorised to those without special permission from their unit.



Those repsonsible for the offending piece of footage can expect a lengthy period of self criticism.

Shirley Bin Laden

Madame Mao is shocked and horrified that a 51 year old divorcee from Cheshire has married one of Osama Bin Laden's sons who is only half her age.

Doesn't she know marriage is an outmoded concept and a construct of male gender hegemony?

I wonder what the wedding dress will be like ... ?

Machete prices - slashed

While Gordon Brown and David Cameron square up to each other across the dispatch box armed only with their wit Madame Mao has noted that the bottom has fallen out of the machete market in Nigeria following the presidential elections.

It would seem that the machete is the weapon of choice for Nigeria's political thugs and the price of a good quality blade has dropped from £1.50 to 75p. Such is supply and demand.

One trader reports that before the election he was selling seven machetes a day and now he can hardly shift one.

Is there a Minister for machetes in Nigeria, I wonder? If there is I would imagine he's shitting himself in case he gets a delegation from the Machete Manufacturers Union.

Miss Atom 2007

At last Miss Atom 2007 has been crowned. The search to find the most beautiful woman working in the Russia nuclear industry in the former Soviet Republics is finally over.

Readers will remember that Madame Mao is not only good friends with Danielle Lloyd but also that she was Comrade Miss Shanghai 1935.

Since those heady days I've kept a keen eye on Socialist beauty pageants. Shame that despite being in an age of oligarchy where Moscow boasts 35 billionaires and some of the most expenseive hotel accomodation in the Northern Hemisphere that the competition organisesrs could only afford an old school gym to crown Miss Atom 2007.

The real transisiton at Number 10

Madame Mao was somewhat disorientated by the orderly transition from Tony Blair to Gordon Brown that took place yesterday. As it is I awaited the customory arrest of supporters of the old leader and confessions that they were 100% deviationist sabatours. This did not take place. Yet.


Instead the transition that did catch Madame Mao's eye was the picture taken outside Number 10 of the moment Comrade Leo Blair ceased to be a picture on a mug and began the journey to become a a full blown D list celeb. At 17 I'm sure we'll see him on Celebrity Courtney Love Arse Bandit along with the gay Beckham children and the withered pap of celebrity that is Calumn Best.

Poor Lad.

Charlie's Angel (of death)

It has been remiss of Madame Mao to allow Comrade Diaz's courageous trip to Peru - wearing a bag emblazoned with a profile of the Chairman and one of his favourite slogans 'Serve the People' - to go without comment.

Comrades will be aware of the on-going People's War being waged in Peru by the Peruvian Communist Party (Maoist) better known as the the Shining Path to you and me.

The Shining Path advocated a peasant guerrilla revolution and was responsible for some 70,000 deaths. When they weren't bursting into bourgeois birthday parties in balaclavas and hosing down the teenage guests with hot lead they were murdering rival Marxists, trade unionists while reserving special hatred for factionalist splitters the Túpac Amaru Revolutionary Movement. (Spit!)

Here's the Shining Path Decleration on Human Rights:

Our position is very clear. We reject and condemn human rights because they are bourgeois, reactionary, counterrevolutionary rights, and are today a weapon of revisionists and imperialists, principally Yankee imperialists.

So frateranl greetings to Comrade Diaz and her decision to use her celebrity to bring to the world's attention the suffering of the peasant class in the land of the Incas. I formally add her name to the role honour of my celebrity acolytes which includes David Bowie and British MP Michael Connarty.

Comrade Facebook - where over a billion people are already sharing

At last modern technology has exposed the class schisms of capitalism. Research by the University of California has shown that Facebook is the preserve of the white educated classes and Myspace is for everybody else.

The study even showed that the US military force of occupation in Mesopotamia has banned Myspace as part of its campaign to stop soldiers blogging about the realities of life in the desert. Facebook - overwhelmingly used by the white elite officer corp - was not touched.

Long before Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 we knew that the percentage of poor Hispanic and black proletariat recruited to the army far outstripped their percentage of the total population.

As any student of communism will know the Internet was invented by The Chairman in 1972. He also put in place a People's social networking programme where whole villages were banned from talking, made to work in paddy fields and had their names replaced by a simple numbering system.

Even the facists experimented with social networking in the 1940s except they called it Volksbook and actually had the numbers tattooed on the inside of their members forearms.

We in the Politburo used to laugh at meetings and sing the theme tune to the banned US sit-com show Cheers "Where everybody knows your name".

Good times.

Who says the tradition of a 'good' lunch in politics is dead?

I got a crush on Obama

Madame Mao is devestated by the regressive tactics of this US Presidential hopeful.

I had such hopes of bouncing little Obama on my knee and now I will have to destroy him as a conspiratator and factionalist.

At least British politicians could never be accused of such overt sexism.

Pol Pot wins Britain Has Talent

Can you imagine my happiness as I was woken this morning by my tiny Comrade Manservant and the news that Pol Pot had been chosen by the public as the winner of the Britain Has Talent competition.

At last, a megalomaniac who caused the deaths of untold millions, has been recognised for their genius by the reality TV generation.

Perhaps now Simon Cowell will return my calls about my idea of rounding up everyone with a family income of more than $50,000, seizing their possessions on behalf of the people and forcing them to work the land.

The public would then get to vote on who would be executed based on how many relatives they were able to denounce following sleep deprivation and partial drowning.

The Number 36 Glorious People's Sexy Kebab Factory

Stalin in Hackney

According to Luke Akehurst Stalin, Lenin and Trotsky all visited Hackney, Southgate Rd in fact, for the 5th Congress of the Russian Social Democratic Workers Party in 1907.

The safe house where I am kept against my wishes is in Hackney.

When I escape from here I will visit this Mr. Akehurst.

Gorillas in our midst

Mum, it's not fair. I don't want to go. We haven't seen the Zebras yet.

In these days of political correctness it's not often you see a story like this. The BBC headline is 'Gorilla on Rampage'.

Apparently the beast escaped its compound at a zoo in Holland and bit a woman before smashing its way into a canteen where people had barricaded themselves in. It had to be subdued with tranquiliser darts.

If only it had been 80 foot high.

I am a golfer - I have no country

A golf club near Bristol has been forced to over turn its 88 year rule banning Germans and Austrians from the course.

We had a similar problem with Tibet in the 50s. Our solution was simple - evacuate the whole population and make them build roads.

Harry stays at home

"Please Sir, don't make me go"

There has been widespread unrest among the families of service men and women killed in Iraq following Sir Richard Dannatt's decision not to send Harry to the region after insurgents promised to throw cutlery at his table.

More Deputy Leader demagoguery

Although Madame Mao has not been directly canvassed over the Deputy Leadership of the Labour Party it is clear that she has been much in the thoughts of the left candidate, John McDonnell MP.

Benedict Brogan in the Mail reports in his blog yesterday that McDonnell's hands across the Irish Sea approach to power sharing may cause some trouble for Peter Hain, with whom he is reportedly engaged in some horsetrading over nominations . McDonnell apparently said in 2003 that:

"It's about time we started honouring those people involved in the armed struggle. It was the bombs and bullets and sacrifice made by the likes of Bobby Sands that brought Britain to the negotiating table. The peace we have now is due to the action of the IRA"

I'm sure this would go down a treat with Rev. Ian Paisley the new First Minister of Northern Ireland who Hain was pictured guffawing with alongside Bertie Ahern, Tony Blair and Martin McGuiness at the swearing in ceremony last week.

Given that the Chairman ran guns out of Beijing to just about every freedom movement going throughout the sixties and seventies it would seem that McDonnell his something of a visionary when it comes to foreign policy.

Does Gordon Brown have a sense of humour?

Apparantly not according to Evening Standard's dyspomaniac Peter Oborne. His analysis of Gordon Brown last night on C4's Dipatches programme was fairly savage. The premise was that out of 100 research interviews Gordon's mates such as Geoffrey Robins said he was great and everyone else said he was a cunt.

However, it has been reported elsewhere that at Sunday's Fabian Society leadership debate with John McDonell and Michael Meacher, who struggled between them to get one of them onthe ballot paper, that Gordon quipped that 'the left hand doesn't know what the extreme left hand is doing'.

Be careful Comrade. That kind of talk could mean engine failure.

Ugly politicians have rights too!

Since being told that the new First Minister of Scotland was a Fat Panda Eyed Wee Bastard Madame Mao has been in Edinburgh armed with bamboo shoots hoping to catch him to stitch his penus into an aphrodisiach pouch.

I was forced South of the Border, however, when I learnt that my comrade Kelly Hoare of the Australian Labor Party was receiving councilling after sexually harrassing a Government driver.

Apparantly she said to the driver 'why don't you come inside and fuck me?'.

Well, why not? Instead making a compliant to the Department of Finance and Administration, the driver should have been overjoyed at being chosen.

Whenever the Chairman was visiting one of the hundreds of special bunkers he had built around China he simply sent security men out to abduct nubile girls from nearby villages. This brought great joy to there families who knew that, despite the fact they might never see them again, their daughters were serving the people by being subjected to Mao's bloated and vile carcass bearing down on top them after a good lunch.

Bullying as a legitimate educational method

The Daily Mirror is reporting that Tony Blair's two boys were 'bullied' at school because of their dad's job.

What's all that about? "Oooh your dad only runs the country and rules over all the dominions of the British Empire". How posh is that?

What defines posh bullying at the fee paying London Oratory? Mild teasing more like. What do they have a go at you about - who was last to cum on the custard creams?

Hardly seagulling is it?

In China during the cultural revolution you knew when you were being bullied because hordes of university students would turn up and drag you out into the playground and whip you to death if you were decadent enough to wear glasses!!

We await the handsome spoilt prince with baited breath

While the showbiz pages continue to run stories about Prince Harry's girlfriend Chelsy visiting him as he prepares to leave for Iraq defence chiefs have changed their mind about deploying the 22 year old prince.

The move comes after insurgents promised to hunt Harry down and send him home to the Queen with his ears cut off.


One can only assume that if they had made the same threat to Harry's father the Queen would have jumped at the chance.

More Boris

Several papers this morning are running glowing testimonials to Yeltsin's prodigious alchohol consumption. The Sun has published a World Leaders' Caners League and reminded us that Churchill, despite being a capitalist running dog, sustained himself throughout the day with claret and soda , a bottle of champagne with dinner, port after meals, brandy after port, and a martini nightcap.

They also mention Stalin who liked the booze but neglected to mention that he had nightly parties where guests were forced to drink round after round of vodka and he used to make the politburo dance on the table to an old recording of 'How Much Is That Doggie In The Window'.

The Caners League also includes Pitt the Younger, Richard Nixon, George Brown, Peter the Great.

Inexplicably, they've included someon called Charles Kennedy in this league of World Leaders.

Famous for being in charge of a minor UK party and for being a bit ginger as far as I can make out.

In loving memory of Boris...

The violence of Miss Mexico

Organisers of the Miss Universe competition have forced Miss Mexico to change her dress on the grounds that it is too violent.

The dress, which is accessorised by a bullet belt, features pictures of public hangings and a man facing a firing squad during the Catholic uprising of 1926.

Hah! If we tried that in China we'd need to find a bigger hall to hold the dress.

Tag pensioners? I'll shave your head

Science Minister, Malcolm Wicks, is suggesting that elderly people should be tagged "for their own safety".

As a sprightly 92 year old I take offence.

What about this - why don't we get stupid so called socialist white middle class politicians and have hundreds of young angry students turn up chanting outside their office. Then we'll make them wear a dunce's hat and beat them death with broom handles outside in the street.

What about that, Malcolm? Eh, we know where you work. We can make you wear a piss soaked blindfold "just for your own safety".

BNFL - Puttin' on the Ritz

The weak UK liberal press are up in arms about reports that the bodyparts of 65 Sellafield workers were removed and stored without consent.

Police are looking for a 6 meter tall collection of gristle, bone and connective tissue that glows in the dark.

Sounds like the women's field athletics team for the Beijing olympics.

The Question Mark Kid

Following the horrendous events at Virginia Tech and the heart breaking split between Prince William and Kate Middleton, Prince Philip has taken the precaution of removing the keys to the gun cupboard from Prince Harry's butler.


The move comes following the discovery of Prince Harry stalking the Buying Department of Jigsaw in full army fatigiues with a bottle of Stolychanya and four gramms of cocaine.



A palace insider said, "Harry is just like any young man sowing his wild oates, eh, What!"

'Let's trash the average family-sized house disco party'

Madame Mao was strangely drawn to the story on Sky today about a girl who advertised a 'Skins' party on Myspace and 200 teenagers turned up and wrecked the joint.

One of the neighbour's who had tried to chase off party goers with a golf club told reporters "This is a quiet street. If there had been 15 or 20 kids, I would have been shocked but when there's that many and you see somebody getting out of a taxi with a suitcase full of alcohol, it sets the alarm bells ringing."

It does indeed. Apparantly there was £20,000 worth of damage and Mum's wedding dress had been pulled out and urinated on.

Can you imagine Chairman Mao's Myspace site: 'Come to the destruction of 4,000 years worth of culture by a guerrilla based communist party party'.

Did you know that between 1949 and 1976 3 million counter revolutionaries were killed by 'execution, mob or suicide'.

Now, that's a party.

Easter is about eggs

French Elections

To the BBC and news of the increasing Americanisation of the French Presidential elections. Madame Mao reads that the Presidential candidates are 'lining up sport stars for political support'.

I my day we also lined up sport stars, not for political support, mainly against the wall.

No matter, readers will be aware of my seething antipathy towards Segolene Royale for stepping on my toes as the only Madame of the Left. I note however that she has attracted support from socialist tennis star Yannick Noah and footballer Lilian Thuram who denounces the racism of conservative front runner, Nicolas Sarkozy.

Sarkozy himself as attracted the approval of former international Basile Boli who approves of plans to create an immigration and national identity ministry.

According to Boli he supports the move following on from his experience of playing in England and Japan.

However, my acolyte, Michael Connerty MP, who knows about these things has explained to me that far from playing in England Boli learnt his English politics during his time at Glasgow Rangers in the mid 1990s where he was regularly entreated by fans to march about while up to his knees in dead catholics.

I also understand that he managed only a year at the club scoring twice in 28 games. I would appear that far from setting the turf alight he was best known for adding his name to the menus of the Ibrox snack concessions. Hun Pies and Bluenose Burgers were joined by the almost existential Boli Soup.

Apparantly Scottish comrades find this sort of thing funny.

Up shit creek - inside Martin Strel's wetsuit

A Slovenian endurance athlete known as the Fishman has completed a 3,000 mile swim along the length of the Amazon.

The Fishman also known as Martin Strel had to avoid crocodiles and sharks and had his team chum parts of the river with blood and raw meat to keep the piranha fish away.

But the Fishman's most terrifying Amazon enemy was the toothpick fish which is attracted by urine and enters the body through the penis where it extends spiked barbs and begins eating.

"I never urinate straight into the water, I always urinate straight into my wetsuit" says Martin.

According to the Guardian he also suffered from high blood pressure and diahhorea.

Christ knows what the inside of his wetsuit must be like.

Introducing the Ahmadinejad casual range

Iranian clothes designer Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has taken inspiration from Jean Paul Gaultier's sailor theme with this year's exciting new range.

Suits will have a sharper cut and use lighter, almost tropical fabrics, and be worn with an open collar and black Clarks brogues. The new Ahmadinejad range is part of a new movement that has seen Mecca replace Milan and London as one of the world's major fashion capitals.

After a busy 13 days during Tehran fashion week the new designs are being launched by Slater's Menswear in Glasgow. Slater's is famous all over West Central Scotland for Ralph's room where top footballers from the Scottish Football League go for their designer labels.

Slater's is also well known to generations of Glaswegians who have dressed for an appearance at the nearby Sheriff Court for under a £49.99.

Ahmadinijad is also launching new styles for women at George at Asda with a innovative look at old favourites including veils, head scarfs and big stripey jumpers. Black is expected to be one of this year's theme.

Facebook

Although frail and ailing Madame Mao has embraced modern technologies in a bid to create the conditions for permanent violent revolution to overthrow decedant western capitalism.

You can become my friend Facebook me! .

Keith Richards snorts his dads remains

The headline says it all really.

The story goes that in 2002 the 63 year old rocker mixed up his dead fathers ashes with some cocaine and snortes them. 'It's what he would have wanted, man', says Keith.

Madame Mao thinks that the Rolling Stone saw yesterday's post about Boris Johnson acting to type and having to apologise to a whole town (again) and thought - heh! everyone's forgot about me, I wonder what I can say.

You think that's decadent, white boy? The old Chairman ground up the bones of his entire domestic staff in 1974 and fed it to President Nixon on his french toast during his state visit.

Boris Johnson does it again

This time Boris has insulted Portsmouth by writing that the City "is one of the most depressed towns in Southern England, a place that is arguably too full of drugs, obesity, underachievement and Labour MPs."

This is his follow up to accusing Liverpool of "wallowing" in "victim status" when Ken Bigley was be-headed in Iraq and, my personal favourite, comparing Tory Party politics to "Papua New Guinea-style orgies of cannibalism and chief-killing".

One can only wonder when he will apologise for , along with David Cameron, being a member of Oxford's posh Bullingdon Club who like to get so drunk they piss and shit all over the floor.

Wrong kind of spokesperson on the radio

France's TGV trains hopes to break the world speed record today be reaching 540 miles per hour or 150 metres per second. The business section on the Today Programme had some idiot from Network Rail on to answer why UK train's couldn't do the same thing. "Er", he stumbled, "France is a longer country than the UK".

Dick.

Ronnie Knight - a love poem

Madame Mao is distraught.

Ronnie Knight the 60s gangster is living in sheltered accommodation at the age of 73.

Ronnie, a former associate of the Krays who was married to Barbara Windsor for 21 years, was the archetypal Costa Criminal. He fled the UK after the £6 million Security Express bullion robbery in the 80s and served four years for money laundering after returning to the UK ten years later because he was home sick.

Now he lives in a £360 a month room and kitchen in a sheltered block in Cambridge.

Fellow inmates claim he doesn’t join them for day trips or dominoes.

Pah! How can such a man give up so easily?

The Chairman was in his first flush of youth at 70 and went on to give guidance and wise council to the people for generations after that.

Knight is a mere boy compared to many of the heroes of the revolution who cheated death by serving the people as waxen effigies long after the dark night in creaking mausoleums.

Despite his claims in 2002 that if the 'right job came along' he would consider it, Knight has degenerated into a withered pap and tool of the ruling classes who seek to criminalise the working classes of London's East End.

Madame Mao is in the huff. I think I fancied him a little with his flash sports cars and sovereign rings. Such a change from the drab conformity.

Gordon Brown is not hard as fuck after all

Madame Mao avidly scanned the newspapers today following reports that Gordon Brown was a Stalinist.

Alas there is no evidence that today's budget would include sending agents to UK regions with a quota for the number of saboteurs and Trotksyists to be liquidated, nor is there any mention of having his closest colleagues shot in the back of the head in a cellar.

In fact it appears that the Chancellor hasn't had a single member of his family sent to a concentration camp.

It would seem that the Chancellor is guility of being a bit gruff and not liking anybody very much.

The world's most dangerous terrorist

While everyone knows that the Chairman was the world's most dangerous terrorist with the death of nearly 40 million peasents under his belt, Madame Mao allowed herself an inscrutable smile at the work of the US military tribunal that uncovered the work of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.

While only using slight torture the US authorities uncovered that Mohammed was the true mastermind behind 9/11.

Luckily for them, in a fit of remorse, Mohammed asked for a number of other offences to be taken into account:

• Planned attacks on Heathrow
• Planned attacks on Canary Wharf
• Planned attacks on Big Ben
• Personally beheading US journalist Daniel Pearl
• Organising Richard Reed the shoe bomber
• The Bali bombing in 2002
• Failed assination of the Pope 1995
• Plot to assinate Jimmy Carter
• Plot to assinate Bill Clinton
• World Trade Centre bombing in 1993
• Planning to attack the Sears Tower in Chicago
• Plans to attack the Empire State Building in New York
• Plans to attack the New York Stock Exchange
• An attempt to destroy Henry Kissinger's oil company in Sumatra
• Targeting of US nuclear installations and suspension bridges in New York
• Plans to destroy US and Israeli embassies in Asia and Australia
• Plans to mount a series of attacks on US Navy vessels around the world

Phew. The list goes on. One can only wonder where he found time for daily prayers and evil laughing.

If only Yates of the yard could apply a bit of waterboarding to Ruth Turner at Number 10 we might get some evidence that Lord Levy not only offered honours for cash, but also that he kidnapped June Ackland from The Bill, was reponsible for Diana's death and was shagging John Prescott at the ODPM Christmas party.

Heather Mills McCartney - call the cops

Friends are worried about Heather Mills McCartney's drinking following reports that Police are concerned about the 'disproportionate' number of late night 999 calls she's been making from her house in Hove.

Apparantly she sits at home at night and gets legless.

More beauty competitions

Like any good communist Madame Mao denounces the modern trend of adapting policy to fit populist agendas or the fetishism of polling data.

There is no linkage, therefore, between the fact that, according to Blogspot statistics, Madame Mao's page loads went through the roof following the announcement of the winner of the Miss Atom 2007 and my new found interest in the Russian Army's own beauty contest.

Here's a pic of last year's finalists (the winner is on the back row second on the left).

The Chinese Communist Party has, since it's inception, encouraged women to play their role in the front line of the people's struggle. In fact it was in the midst of shelling from nationalist and Japanese troops in 1937 that the Chairman picked me out of all those other bitches in Ya'an.

During that period the Soviet Union failed in it's duty to emancipate women comrades and shall be remembered ever thus. It shames me now that in a time when we can find hot chicks to recruit into the infantry and the industrial military complex we can't find a decent pair of boots.

Thank fuck they don't have to take on G.I. Joe across the plains of Central Europe if this is what they're wearing. Chechnya, however, is a muddy shithole most times of the year.

No luck, sister.