The Number 36 Glorious People's Sexy Kebab Factory

Stalin in Hackney

According to Luke Akehurst Stalin, Lenin and Trotsky all visited Hackney, Southgate Rd in fact, for the 5th Congress of the Russian Social Democratic Workers Party in 1907.

The safe house where I am kept against my wishes is in Hackney.

When I escape from here I will visit this Mr. Akehurst.

Gorillas in our midst

Mum, it's not fair. I don't want to go. We haven't seen the Zebras yet.

In these days of political correctness it's not often you see a story like this. The BBC headline is 'Gorilla on Rampage'.

Apparently the beast escaped its compound at a zoo in Holland and bit a woman before smashing its way into a canteen where people had barricaded themselves in. It had to be subdued with tranquiliser darts.

If only it had been 80 foot high.

I am a golfer - I have no country

A golf club near Bristol has been forced to over turn its 88 year rule banning Germans and Austrians from the course.

We had a similar problem with Tibet in the 50s. Our solution was simple - evacuate the whole population and make them build roads.

Harry stays at home

"Please Sir, don't make me go"

There has been widespread unrest among the families of service men and women killed in Iraq following Sir Richard Dannatt's decision not to send Harry to the region after insurgents promised to throw cutlery at his table.

More Deputy Leader demagoguery

Although Madame Mao has not been directly canvassed over the Deputy Leadership of the Labour Party it is clear that she has been much in the thoughts of the left candidate, John McDonnell MP.

Benedict Brogan in the Mail reports in his blog yesterday that McDonnell's hands across the Irish Sea approach to power sharing may cause some trouble for Peter Hain, with whom he is reportedly engaged in some horsetrading over nominations . McDonnell apparently said in 2003 that:

"It's about time we started honouring those people involved in the armed struggle. It was the bombs and bullets and sacrifice made by the likes of Bobby Sands that brought Britain to the negotiating table. The peace we have now is due to the action of the IRA"

I'm sure this would go down a treat with Rev. Ian Paisley the new First Minister of Northern Ireland who Hain was pictured guffawing with alongside Bertie Ahern, Tony Blair and Martin McGuiness at the swearing in ceremony last week.

Given that the Chairman ran guns out of Beijing to just about every freedom movement going throughout the sixties and seventies it would seem that McDonnell his something of a visionary when it comes to foreign policy.

Does Gordon Brown have a sense of humour?

Apparantly not according to Evening Standard's dyspomaniac Peter Oborne. His analysis of Gordon Brown last night on C4's Dipatches programme was fairly savage. The premise was that out of 100 research interviews Gordon's mates such as Geoffrey Robins said he was great and everyone else said he was a cunt.

However, it has been reported elsewhere that at Sunday's Fabian Society leadership debate with John McDonell and Michael Meacher, who struggled between them to get one of them onthe ballot paper, that Gordon quipped that 'the left hand doesn't know what the extreme left hand is doing'.

Be careful Comrade. That kind of talk could mean engine failure.

Ugly politicians have rights too!

Since being told that the new First Minister of Scotland was a Fat Panda Eyed Wee Bastard Madame Mao has been in Edinburgh armed with bamboo shoots hoping to catch him to stitch his penus into an aphrodisiach pouch.

I was forced South of the Border, however, when I learnt that my comrade Kelly Hoare of the Australian Labor Party was receiving councilling after sexually harrassing a Government driver.

Apparantly she said to the driver 'why don't you come inside and fuck me?'.

Well, why not? Instead making a compliant to the Department of Finance and Administration, the driver should have been overjoyed at being chosen.

Whenever the Chairman was visiting one of the hundreds of special bunkers he had built around China he simply sent security men out to abduct nubile girls from nearby villages. This brought great joy to there families who knew that, despite the fact they might never see them again, their daughters were serving the people by being subjected to Mao's bloated and vile carcass bearing down on top them after a good lunch.

Bullying as a legitimate educational method

The Daily Mirror is reporting that Tony Blair's two boys were 'bullied' at school because of their dad's job.

What's all that about? "Oooh your dad only runs the country and rules over all the dominions of the British Empire". How posh is that?

What defines posh bullying at the fee paying London Oratory? Mild teasing more like. What do they have a go at you about - who was last to cum on the custard creams?

Hardly seagulling is it?

In China during the cultural revolution you knew when you were being bullied because hordes of university students would turn up and drag you out into the playground and whip you to death if you were decadent enough to wear glasses!!