P..P..Pick up a spliff?

Reports reach MmeMao that troubled UK rock-star Pete Doherty has been photographed at a zoo feeding a penguin a marajuana cigarette. I feel unable to condone such animal cruelty as during the period of cultural revolution in China I was partially responsible for the deaths of millions of sparrows and other birds. Confused? Let me tell you a story.

It was the balmy summer of '58 and the late, great Chairman had declared sparrows to be an enemy of the state. NB: All those so-called dictators out there (I'm talking to you Kim); you haven't reached true greatness until an animal is declared an enemy of the state. It is hard to imagine how it is possible to kill hundreds of millions of birds in a year but when the Chinese set their mind to something it is always on a massive scale. Forgive me, I have moved off topic. So, the sparrows are enemies of the state as they are the reason for our crop failure and mass famine.

All over China peasants spend all day banging saucepan lids together until eventually the birds (or the peasants) die of exhaustion. As a result the next years harvest was spectacular. Unfortunately, the year after was rather worse, as with no sparrows to eat them, a plague of locusts destroyed all the crops and 30 million people died from starvation.

You can read more here. In the meantime here is a picture of some dead sparrows:

Kebab Belly from the telly

As predicted yesterday Jade Goody got her two page spread plus pics in the Sun this morning. Unfortunately for her she was on the receiving end of a right good kicking.

They headlined the piece as Kebab Belly goes to Delhi and claimed she put her foot in it right away buy announcing that “I’m here on a private visit, for four days. People have been really nice. There are no cameras or anything. I’ve paid for the trip myself. I like the food here. Everyone knows I love an Indian.”

Strangely she's brought a telly presenter armed with a camcorder with her.

Miss Atom hots up

The competition to become Miss Atom 2007 is hotting up. Hopefuls from all across the Russian Federation and the former Soviet Republics are jiggling about like excited little atoms. A decision will be made next month and an the competition organisers, Rostatom - the Russian Nuclear Agency - have announced the prizes for this year:

1. A mink Coat
2. A gold and diamond jewellery set
3. An exclusive Swiss watch

These guys sure know the way to a post graduate nuclear scientist's heart.

Check out last year's joint winners and don't forget to have a look at our regular side bar.

Madame Mao and Danielle Lloyd have already posted their applications!

You'll never walk again

Madame Mao has little time for football but I do know where Liverpool is as I have been a massive but discreet fan of the Fab Four since the mid 1960s. Especially Ringo.

I think it was something to do with the suits.

While watching the Liverpool versus Barcelona last week there was a flag in the Liverpool crowd that said:

Ronaldinho, we’re not going home without Cilla’s teeth.

I allowed myself an inscrutable smile at that.

Jade Goody found - because she phoned the press and told them where she was.

Sky are running an exclusive interview with Jade Goody this afternoon claiming to have tracked her down in Delhi.

How convenient is that? I didn't know anyone was even looking for her. Do you think that by coincidence she might have accidentally got herself a two page spread with pictures in tomorrow's Sun.

Goody says "I could have had the entire trip paid for and all the people I'm travelling with but I didn't want that" ... I'm paying for the trip and all my expenses myself".

No, I just travelled halfway across the world with an entourage and phoned up News International by mistake because its number's on my speed dial next to Mother Therasa.

Interestingly, sales of Jade's perfume were terrible for Valentines day. Initially blamed on the racist bullying it turned out that giving your wife a present which says "I want you to smell like Jady Goody" was a bit of passion killer.

Prince Harry's barmy army

Prince Harry is going to Iraq. Some brilliant spinning in the papers this morning about how professional soldier Harry (he's been in the army for less than 18 months most of which he spent at Sandhurst) won the right to fight by threatening to quit unless he saw some action in the Gulf.

What do you reckon - will the 11 troops operating four Scimitar light tanks in his squad love our Harry and follow him to Hell and back? Or will they think he's some posh twat who is so far removed from their daily lives that he thinks nothing of spending £10,000 on one bar bill.

This 22 year old leader of men is in the papers every day pictured falling out of Mayfair night clubs at two in the morning with braying aristos. Not quite a couple of pints with the lads in the NAAFI is it?

Do you think Harry has ever met his men?

Harry’s Private Secretary, Jamie Lowther-Pinkerton, has been in negotiations for weeks trying to keep him away from the front line. What's the bets that Harry's reconnaissance missions in the desert mean travelling round in circles miles away from any insurgency or suicide bombers.

On second thoughts, who wouldn't love a man that guarantees you'll not be getting your legs blown off by some nutter in an old Cortina with a boot full of semtex.

Colorado Springs’ Seventh Annual Father-Daughter Purity Ball

Madame Mao may be old but she’s still a woman and it was with some heartbreak that I found that I had been refused entry to the Colorado Springs’ Seventh Annual Father-Daughter Purity Ball.

These events take place all across the United States and fathers and daughters dress up in full evening wear and exchange rings in a weird wedding style ceremony to symbolise the fact that the father is prepared to go to ‘war’ to protect his girls virginity until marriage.

As someone who in an esoteric sense has already married her father, Chairman Mao father of all the people, this whole concept had a haunting resonance for me.

Perhaps, however, I’d feel a little out of place as a 92 year old as the majority of the girls at spending time with the old man are, as Purity Ball guidelines suggest, “just old enough to have begun menstruating”.

Some fathers even bring girls under 10 and it’s not unheard of for four year olds to turn up on their dad’s arm in a floor length gown. All of them in the end sign a purity covenant with the Lord.

I suggested with the organisers that I was being discriminated on political grounds because as a good communist during the revolution I had systematically hunted down christian priests and landlords, tied them to poles in the middle of village squares and encouraged the mob to beat them to death with farm tools.

It turns out, however, that in the end none of the dad’s would have been interested in my baggy old grey fanny.

Britney Shears

It is always sad when a celebrity has had enough and it was with particular regret that Madame Mao read about US teen sensation Britney Spears.

We were upset to see that in her desperation she has resorted to wearing her hair in the style of a pre revolutionary Chinese peasant.

In the last days of Imperial China at the turn of the 19th Century cutting off one's top knot was seen as the supreme act of defiance.

It symbolised the break in the feudal link between the land and emperor. As the fortunes of war fluctuated in places like the Chairman's home province of Hunan between the forces of progress, warlords and government whether or not you wore the topknot meant the difference between life and death. A grizzly death at that.

Now I'm not suggesting for a minute that Britney Spears is the modern equivalent of having your feet bound, but if the sock fits ...

Unemployed forced to take English lessons

Civil liberties groups have expressed anger at Government plans to force job seekers to learn English.

John Prescott, Deputy Prime Minister, resonded on behalf of the Government saying "it is mistravesty of justice that those under the unemploymentibility creationed by the years of Thatcherite out of the classroom pool table shouldn't get a jobless".

Bring me my arrows of desire

Darts ace Andy 'The Viking' Fordham has vowed that he will be fit to take part in the World Darts Championship despite suffering a stroke, fluid on the lung, speech and walking difficulties and breathing problems

Andy, who has a 56 inch waist and weighs in at 26 stone, has gone on record about being worried about his fitness levels said "I want to get back on the oche as soon as possible."

A true example of proletatarian endeavour over the increasing gentrification of working class sport. I defy any member of the western economic elite picnicing on the stands at Stamford Bridge to eat and drink themselves to death for the love of their game.

Bernard Mathews is a kindly old man who wouldn't hurt a fly

Bernard Mathews has come in for some criticism today with suggestions that his company may have brought H5N1 to the UK from Hungary.

I'm sure Mr. Mathews is just a lovely old man who sits on his porch with his grand children at his feet scattering corn for his much loved birds. I'll bet he even has names for them all.

See for yourself.

Miss Atom 2007

Lily Allen has entered the Miss Atom 2007 competition to find the sexiest woman employee in the Russian nuclear industry.

There have been nearly 100 new entries since the last time the competition was mentioned.

A close shave with the law

According to The Independent Scottish coppers arrested a health and safety expert last year for shaving while driving at 70 mph. He was apparently on his way to a first aid course.

Despite being previously involved in road crash investigations this guy had to lean across the car to see in his mirror properly because he was also storing a dozen mannequins in his back seat.

A PC then stood in the dock, opened his notebook and uttered the immortal line. “The accused had only one hand on the steering wheel and appeared to be checking if he was getting a good shave”.

Turn the other cheek

Both the Sun and Mirror are outraged by the pub in Tipton which serves Barrymore Pie. The dish is described on the menu as “Faggots swimming in gravy” .

This is a bit rich coming from the Sun. In the same issue it eulogises George Takei who played Mr. Sulu in Star Trek despite the headline from last year when George announced he was gay - “Beam Me Up Botty”.

Astronut

To America and the story about a US Astronaut allegedly trying to kidnap a love rival.

Navy Capt Lisa Nowak,who flew to the international space station last July, has been charged with attempted kidnapping, battery and other crimes.

She travelled across the US wearing a nappy so as not to leave any clues in petrol station toilets and was wearing a wig and a trenchcoat when she was captured in a car park trying to get in the car of Collen Shipman who she believed was having an affair with fellow Astronaut, Navy Commander William Oefelein.

In Nowak's bag was a selection of wigs, a pepper spray, a ball bearing gun, a steel mallet, a knife, masking tape and some black plastic bin bags.

Hmmm ....

Whenever Madame Mao been found with that kind of stuff in my bag I've simply claimed diplomatic immunity and had the copper busted down to traffic patrol.

Bang Bang Chicken gets whole new meaning...

The BBC reports that the bodies of six people have been found in a Chinese restaurant in northern Germany.

The police are failing to reveal a motive for the killings but if the portion on chicken chow-mein I got this weekend was anything to go by I can hazard a guess...

Call that Chinese food? The restaurant victims had clearly angered one of my comrades. Having been given a quizzical look after ordering the cultural revolution staple of cold rice and water and then been presented with some decadent, westernised, mechanically reclaimed, sweet-and-sour, MSG-laden dish of capitalism... they took the appropriate action.

Bird flu flew through you

Madame Mao de-camped for the country over the weekend.

I visited my Summer residence - the Sea Marge Hotel in Overstrand, Norfolk.

The hotel was originally owned by German financier Sir Edgar Speyer who was a great friend of Kaiser Willhelm. Churchill repatriated him to Germany during WW1 after it was found he had converted the Coach House into a seaward facing gun placement and was in the habit of signalling German U Boats off the Norfolk Coast in the dead of night.

On Saturday night after dinner as the women retired to the drawing room leaving the men to play billiards and smoke cigars I slipped away through one of the restored passage ways behind the library to the Coach House.

Concealed by shadows I carefully moved the old Aga from against the back wall and pulled out my radio equipment sending just two short bursts to the Xai Class subs waiting off Foulness Sands.

You can imagine my anger when it turns out the Comrade Mathews picked up the signals and, using the wrong code book, released the H5N1 early.

In the end a biosecurity zone was set up around his farm at Holton, 27km south-west of Lowestoft, a 3km protection zone and a 10km surveillance zone was put in place – and the plans of the Red Hordes went back to the drawing board.


And I don't mind telling you that the Foreign Minister and I were furious at the devestation that Mathews and his bloody bird flu had caused. Especially to the hotel's priceless flock of Miami Flamingos, not to mention the croquet lawn.


You know, I don't think they'll have us back next year.

Yanked off air

The Sun this morning has underlined the gravity of the situation facing Tony Blair in the cash for peerages issue by sharing the front page with the equally devastating news that my friend Danielle Lloyd has also been quizzed by police over race crimes on Big Brother.

The Mirror, however, has revealed that this is only the latest body blow to beleaguered Channel 4 who have been forced to postpone Wank Week in the light of the racism row and their mis-timed bid to secure Govt funding of of over £100,000 million for new media.

Apparently Wank Week was due to be shown next month and included shows called Male Masturbators and Masturbating Girls and was supposed to build on the success of last years Wankathon where cameras filmed grown men pulling one off in support of an AIDS charity.

Madame Mao is rather like Queen Victoria in this respect. Can someone please explain what or who Avina Wank is? I thought it was the name of the Soviet Comintern officer responsible for South East Asia who I used to know from the old days.

Atomic Bombshells Wanted

Rostatom the Russian Atomic Energy Agency has a launched a beauty competition with a difference. Miss Atom 2007 is aimed at proving once for all that working in the Russian atomic industry does not automatically mean hereditary disfigurement .

Competitors must be aged between 18 and 35 and currently work in the industry in Russia or a former Soviet Satellite.

Readers may remember that Madame Mao was Miss Comrade Shanghai 1935. By virtue of the fact that the Chairman purchased nuclear technology from Khrushchev in the late 50s means that I am eligible for entry.

Have a look at some of the beauties who will be battling it out with me and Danielle Lloyd.
















For full biogs and more pics of the 10 contestants already entered click here.

Girls with two heads or more need not apply.