Intercept

Intercepted 00.20 29th September 2006

Transcript - decodified JB 07.01 29.

Voice 1: Right, ah've fuckin' done it, whit next?
Voice 2: Excellent Comrade. Activate stage 3 immediately.
Voice 1: Aye, awright. Wance ah've goat the toap joab, can ah start tae roond the fuckers up?
Voice 2: Of course you can my darling. Everyone . Now, what do you say ?
Voice 1: I am a worker - I have no fucking country ..... crackle ....

Ends

A Gift To Society

Madame Mao was dissapointed by last night's BBC special report on China which claimed that organs were being removed from prisoners facing execution and sold to lucrative foreign markets.

While political prisoners may be paraded through football stadiums in front of the masses with a gun to the back of their
head and a rope around their neck you should not be dissuaded that prisoners donate their organs of their own free choice. A gift to society, as one official said.

Think of those little donor cards from the seventies. Purely benign.

Just because China executes 10,000 prisoners per year and that death is the punishment for over 64 criminal charges, including tax evasion and fraud, people feel the need to use rightist terms such as cornea harvesting. This is wrong and serves to remind us only of the impact that counter revolutionary thought can have on destabilising our health service, which is a legitimate organ of revolution.

One must not forget that in the West NHS delivery and store men are taking strike action to save the health service by defending bloated salaries and pension benefits at the expense of front line primary care staff.

All power is relative. Whether it is from the barrel of gun or out the back door of an ambulance.

Ho Ho Ho Chi Min

Like Gordon Brown I understand the need to renew one's self as a politician after years in power.

As part of my strategy I'm sending Christmas cards this year.

Tony Blair's Historic Final Speech to Conference as Leader of the Party

With emotions running high in Manchester Madame Mao nipped out to Cupids to release some tension.

Obviously I disagree with prostitution as a male gender construct but I do enjoy a Thai massage. You can imagine my shock when the masseuse took her top off and asked me if I wanted any extras. "Extras!?!?" I said, "Extras!?!? - what do you mean?"


She pulled down a blind and there was a price list on it:

Full sex £25
Blow job £15
Wank £5
Sausage roll £1.50
Bacon roll £1.50
Egg roll £1.50
Tea 50p
Coffee 50p
Kit Kat 35p

"Are you the woman who wanked off Tommy Sheridan?", I asked.
"Yes" she replied with a wink.
"Well go and wash your hands and get me an egg roll".

Stupid Cupid's

Madame Mao is boarding her armoured train and heading to Manchester for Labour Party conference.

Conference has lost some of its magic in recent years and, although we can expect a bit of electricity following the blood letting, I've decided to spice up my visit a bit.

Since we're in Manchester I've booked into Cupid's where Tommy Sheridan allegedly had all the sex.


I'm taking my dominatrix outfit; blue serge suit and cap with large round glasses, oh, and a bicycle.

I wonder if any of the girls are in a union ...

Knob

The car crash involving Top Gear presenter, Richard Hammond, is a tragedy.

He is clearly in the thoughts of a nation willing him to live. His young family must be terrified.

Why, then, is the Sun leading with News International columnist Jeremy Clarkson and his shitty jokes.

Clarkson is a tit and all his pish about being old and not understanding anything since ACDC exposes him.

You're only 46 you dick - nobody likes you precisely because you like ACDC. I bet he was one of those arseholes wearing a combat jacket with patches all up the back. Maybe a deninm cut off with studs in.

I'll bet Mindy Hammond's heart leaps into her mouth everytime the phone rings and it's him. Seeing him all over the papers last night and this morning must surely make things worse.

Hasta Siempre?

Not long after after the Cuban revolution Castro sent Che Guevara to China. The public reason was that he was looking for a third way to avoid antogonizing the US by becoming too close to the Soviet Union.

The real reason was that Guevara was so barking mad that he was dangerous to have around. The main thrust of Guevara's economic policy while in charge of Cuba's finances in the early years of the republic was to take treasury employees into the courtyard and shoot them in the back of the head.

This he did in between posing with his shirt off for propoganda shots with peasents loading bags of grain into trucks.

Guevara is unusual as an icon. He won't go away. Most post-modern icons lose their value after a relatively short period of time. Think Jim Morrison amongst students just before Brit-pop, he was everywhere and nowhere overnight. We all get bored.

That Jesus style pic of Guevara, however, remains on mouse mats, mugs, posters, slip mats without any sense of irony. I'd like to see someone poncing about on Upper St wearing flip flops and a goatee with a picture of Hitler on their t-shirt.

People forget that this man wanted to drop an atomic bomb on Western Europe in order for a socialist utopia to grow out of the rubble.

That's why he was in China. Mao had the bomb and Guevara had a plan.

Now, my old man, the Chairman, was mad as a brush, but even he wasn't crazy enough to give Guevara the secrets to nuclear technology. He loved the plan and nicked it for himself and got rid of Ernesto.

And that's where he went wrong, you see. If we'd done what Guevara had suggested a true socialst society might only be 250,000 years away (half life).

So it was with pleasure that I saw this game being advertised which basically allows you to become a Geuvara style activist and blow the shit out of South Americans in the interests of international solidarity. Watch the demo here and live the dream .

Look out Chavez - we're coming for you!!

Kennedy Rehearsal

'Rumours on the internet' are posting this spoof of Charlie Kennedy's rehearsal for his big speech yesterday. I'd love for it to be true. Listen here

Dress to Impress

Yesterday's comments about the suitable attire for politicians (i.e. everyone dress like Chairman Mao) have obviously been taken on board by members of the Austrlian Communist Party who were on hand to listen to Australian Premier John Howard's moving tribute at Steve Irwin's funeral yesterday.

Good effort, but remember it's horn rimmed reading glasses not sunnies for that proletarion look.

On the other hand, I'm not quite sure what point Sky News were trying to make with this pic of Steve's daughter.

Thai'd Up In Knots

Following on from the what's happening in Budapest the Coup in Thailand has been a poor show.



Admittedly the tanks are impressive but what's all this "sorry for the inconviencance" business. You can't make an omlette without breaking eggs.

Last time I saw four goons in row like this it was at a People's Tribunal.



Madame Mao visited Thailand in the Winter and spent New Year's Eve putting Bahts down a dancer's panties in a bar in Phat Pong.

No-one seemed to notice an ederly women with a severe haircut slipping in to watch the pussy ping-pong - it reminded me when the Chairman was young.

Is This Any Way to Run Political Party?

The Sun on-line is running an article about Lib Dem page 3 girls featuring Liberal politicians from the House of Commons and Welsh Assembly - Jo Swinson, Julia Goldsworthy, Kirsty Williams and Lynne Featherstone.

Call me old fashioned but is it not more appropriate for female politicans to wear thick round glasses, a blue serge suit and cap and ride a bicycle.

In fact is it not more appropriate for eveyone to dress like that regardless of status and gender.

Is This Any Way to Conduct a Revolution?

Almost fifty years since the last Hungarian revolution, they've had another one. What will the outcome be? As Chinese Premier Chou En Lai said when asked about the outcome of the French Revolution - "it's too soon to tell".

The only thing I know is that there's not been enough butchery. Throwing a few stones and petrol bombs is the modern equivelant of putting flowers in the barrel of a gun.

What you want to do is terrorise whole swathes of the population into compliance.



Back in the day we used to beat landlords and horders to death with brushes in the middle of the village square. And look! Almost sixty years later we're still here.

Although Sir Paul McCartney has been around longer.

The Great March West

News from the PRC Army HQ. The Red Menace are committing 1000 toops to help quell the troubles in the Lebanon (incidentally why the Lebanon and not just Lebanon?). This mighty show of strength is a mere 0.04% of our all conquering 2.25 million strong force.

You want results? Call the PLA.

Cyprus next and then Northern Ireland. Our 'peacekeepers' will be spreading the gospel of the Red Book under your Western capitalist pig-dog noses before you know it.

Sonic Youth

Here is a picture of Lib-Dem MP Lynne Featherstone presenting an award to Stephen Tall the Lib Dem blogger of the year.

Communist era politicians, including my late husband, were well know for trying to cheat death and even embalming their mates.

Can you beleive Lynn Featherstone is 55 years old?

Is Ming Campbell melting in an attic somewhere like Dorian Gray? Is that why he looks like that?

Is that little Sarah Teather one from Brent in her 60s?

I bet they hate each other.

Heads Must Roll

Check out this crazy Kraut concept artist who pretended to be a terracota warrior and stood in the pit for two days before getting caught. For this act of sabotage every member of the museum facility has been rounded up and sent to build roads in Tibet.

Borat!!!

Scary Old Bloke Talks To Children About Jesus

As the tectonic plates of capitalism and socialism move ever closer to the inevitability of their final destination it is necessarty to note that this dialectic requires the collapse of society.

During the Revolution that created the People’s Republic this was symptomatic of the degree of decadence the interim nationalist government displayed by refusing to engage with Japanese forces in Manchuria in 1937.

In more modern times this trend can be traced through the number of fat wee bastards who sit in front of computer games eating crisps. Moreover the refusal of their parents to let them walk to school in the morning is turning them all into heroin addicts at 13.

The West has unleashed its secret weapon and got Santa out a couple of months early to warn that if your not a good boy or girl you’ll get fuck all.

Traitors

Comrade Hoon has dared question the longevity of the Great Leader. He shall be added to the list of names to be sent to forced labour camps in Xing-Qoa province as soon as possible.

Lock-jawed Brummie, Comrade Short has also dared question the 1000 year Reich of the Party by resigning at the next election and adding her name to those supporting proportional representation. When will she learn, the people do not want more democracy, they wish to be led by the Great Leader forever with me at his side.

Norwich Union Shits On Its Staff

Norwich Union have made another 4,000 workers redundant. Send the fuckers who made that decision over here and we'll put them up in barracks miles away from their families and get them to make ipods for the price of a bowl of rice.

Norwich Union, and their parent company, Aviva have got history of this as long as your arm. Over the past three years they have made nearly 18,000 workers redundant mostly through offshoring jobs away from places like Norwich, Glasgow and Belfast to India and Sri Lanka.

Now, there's nothing wrong with this - lifting millions out of abject grinding poverty will not happen unless the West shares the wealth. Instead Aviva are driven purely by the CEO timeline and a desperation to drive up profits for their shareholders. There is no strategy or balance to what they are doing other than falling under the spell of the hundreds of corporate Rasputins who are making a killing out of the offshore trend.

Patrick Snowball, Aviva's huntin'n'shootin Executive Chairman, said that we are now in a self service industry. Of course we are. More people use phone banking and go on-line but self service also means choice and people also choose their high street branch.

Most of the other high street insurers have made moves to either return to the UK for back office processing and call centre operations or rightly manage a sustainable mixed economy.

Aviva profits have jumped by 27% to £1.7bn, helped by foreign expansion and strong growth in the UK pensions market.

Dividends are down and contributions are up. There is a wholesale malaise across the banking and insurance industry.

Aviva is profit driven and used infighting at the Labour Party hogging the stories at TUC to 'bury bad news'.

Remember this, during the previous round of blood letting the Aviva press office proudly issued a release telling us that £1.3 million had been set aside for staff training to balance the number of jobs being sent overseas.

That figure was spread across 30,000 employs and was actually less than the salary and benefits of CEO Richard Harvey.

Aviva is making in roads in China. It sponsors everything that moves and relies on opening our markets for future gain. They've even started offshoring from Bangalore to Beijing.

Be warned we're still gonna swarm all over you and institute periods of self criticism for the Board upwards, then we'll send you to the Falun Gong camps and remove your organs while your still awake and sell them to Party officials.

Intergalactic Drinking

The Brothers and Sisters arrived in Brighton this week to harangue the Prime Minister and spend members' subscriptions in local bars.

I was there myself standing outside the conference centre with my sandwich board with the catchy slogan:

British TUC 6.8 million members
All China Trade Union Confederation 134 millon members

You're gonna get your fuckin' head kicked in

Prominant Scottish political journalist, Ian McWhirter likes to refer to the Scottish Trade Union Congress as the 'semi-finals of the intergalactic drinking competition'.

While the TUC fails to live up to this exacting standard (although it is fair to say that strong drink is taken) I am pleased to report that Ken Livingston continues to do his bit for socialism.



A waitress in the Regency Fish Restaurant told me that his party of four had three bottles of rioja and two large brandys at lunch time on Monday. At lunch time!!

Truly a hero of the revolution.

Never assume anything is correct.

- Mao Tse Dong

Number One Son Goes Crazy

So you been to school for a year or two
And you know you've seen it all
In daddy's car thinkin' you'll go far
Back east your type don't crawl
Play ethnicky jazz to parade your snazz
On your five grand stereo
Braggin that you know how the niggers feel cold
And the slums got so much soul

It's time to taste what you most fear
Right Guard will not help you here
Brace yourself, my dear

It's a holiday in Cambodia
It's tough kid, but it's life
It's a holiday in Cambodia
Don't forget to pack a wife




Your a star-belly sneech you suck like a leech
You want everyone to act like you
Kiss ass while you bitch so you can get rich
But your boss gets richer on you
Well you'll work harder with a gun in your back
For a bowl of rice a day
Slave for soldiers til you starve
Then your head skewered on a stake

Now you can go where people are one
Now you can go where they get things done
What you need my son:

Is a holiday in Cambodia
Where people dress in black
A holiday in Cambodia
Where you'll kiss ass or crack

A Stable and Orderly Transition

A Falun Gong deviationist cell has been discovered at the very heart of the organ of workers' control. Orders have been issued on behalf of the people for the immediate arrest of:

Tom Watson MP
David Wright MP
Sion Simon Mp
Chris Bryant MP
Ian Lucas MP
Chris Mole MP
Khalid Mahmood MP
Kevan Jones MP
Mark Tami MP

Comrades, rest assured that no stone will remain unturned until all enemies of the people have been rooted out.

Our leader, the Great Helmsman, has decreed a period of stable and orderly transition as the the third way on the path to attain freedom from the excesses of capitalism.

End of Communiqué

Sting in the Tail

News of the departure of Steve Irwin, crazy botanist who tried to feed his baby to a crocodile, on the same day that the Prime Minister's exit strategy is leaked reminds me of how we used to despatch revisionist elements during the Long March.

The Chancellor will be in for a stiff period of self criticism if we find Tony Blair dead in his bed with stingray barbs in his heart.

Stingray make pretty good consumer goods, huh?

Sex Kills

Ah, sex kills ... but it is also an ideological gender construct.

News today that sex gives women cancer brings me great relief. It helps exlain why the Chairman never gave me one after September 1959.

It was a selfless act for the masses that, in order to protect his wife, he had his security team specially select underage girls and have them smuggled into his private chambers.


But could this mean that modern day Chinese sex inspectors are unwittingly spreading cervical cancer?