Friday, December 29, 2006

Is Noel Edmonds bald?

During an enforced period of bed rest yesterday evening Madame Mao was forced to watch a toe curling piece of agitprop called 'It Started With Swapshop'.

Younger cadres informed me that this was a form of social engineering initiated by the BBC in 1976.

No matter. The experience was valuable for two reasons:

1. The excruciating coldness between Keith Chegwin and Maggie Philbin meeting for the first time since she divorced him citing his two bottle of vodka a day drink problem.

2. It brought to Madame Mao's attention a television presenter called Noel Edmonds.

This is important because in the early part of December Madame Mao was required to travel through West London in a limousine (not an unpleasant experience and reminiscent of the glory years). My driver was a burly Cypriot comrade who informed me that the worst passenger he ever had was someone called Noel Edmonds "who was a complete cunt who kept shouting and screaming at me even though there was nothing I could do about the traffic". Mr. Edmonds refused to tip and made a point of repeatedly telling the poor driver this.

Most interestingly of all the comrade driver told me that Mr. Edmonds wears a hair piece and was completely bald while he was in the back of the limousine. Undoubtedly this explains his ill temper - he had lost his wig.

While I have a small unit working on this in the international intelligence attache in the Chinese Embassy in London no proof has so far been forthcoming.

Madame Mao would be extremely grateful to anyone wandering through her blog who can provide photographic or anecdotal evidence which may, or may not, be used as evidence in a future revolutionary tribunal.

Any contributions will be rewarded with huge amounts of foreign aid.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

I am a Ford not a Lincoln



The Chairman's old friend Gerald Ford (seen above falling down the stairs of Airforce 1) has died today at the age of 93. Ford was the 38th President of the US and took over from Nixon after he was forced to resign following the Watergate scandal in 1974.

For many he will be forever associated with Lyndon Johnson's quote that he 'couldn't chew gum and walk at the same time' and his wife's alcohol and drug depedancy clinic.

Ford visited the Chairman in 1975 and far from the golf playing fool - who pardoned Nixon of all crimes after only a month in office - the Chairman found a wily old fox who was prepared to sanction the death of millions for short term political gain.

During the same tour of South East Asia Ford and Kissinger visited Indonesia's brutal dictator, Mohamed Suharto to give the green light for his plans to use US manufactured weapons to commit genocide in East Timor, causing at best 250,000 deaths.

His Chief Staff was a guy called Dick Cheney and his Defence Secretary was called Donald Rumsfield.

So bare in mind during the coming obituaries - he was a man of vision.

Friday, December 22, 2006

This year give the gift of ideology again


After reading about the BNP's Christmas Party in the Guardian today Madame Mao went on their web site to see what they had on their online shop.


You can imagine my suprise to this sculpture of Jewish poeple in their homeware section.

I think they may be confused as a party and may need severe correction.

The spirit of Christmas in China


Eight Christians in the Eastern Chinese city of Zangzhou have gone on trial today.

They have been charged with interfering with the law after vicously attacking a bulldozer with their bare hands following state correction of their decision to build a church without first completing the appropriate forms.

After a fair and free trial they will be found guilty and sentenced to three years.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

This year give the gift of ideology


If comrades are still looking for that last minute holiday season gift they should check out Sinn Fein’s online gift shop.

You can buy the ‘IRA Undefeated Army’ t-shirt.
Why not, The Chairman paid for most of the guns ater all.

You can buy other items guaranteed to smooth the waters in any Glasgow bar inlcuding these attractive Long Kesh 81 football shirts commemorating the 'H' Blocks and the 25th anniversary of young men starving themselves to death for revolutionary freedom.

Turkmenbashi is dead. Long live the Turkmenbashi


Turkmenistan's authoritarian president Saparmurat Niyazov, who ruled the Central Asian country for 21 years, has died aged 66.


He renamed months and days in the calendar after himself and his family, and ordered statues of himself to be erected throughout the desert nation.


Cities, an airport and a meteorite were given his name.


His laws became increasingly personal. It was forbidden to listen to car radios or smoke in public, or for young men to wear beards.

There’s so few good men left.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Secretary No 1 of the State Peace and Development Council


For some reason the sullen and unresponsive leader of Burma, General Than Shwe, has escaped comment on this column.

Shwe is Secretrary No 1 in a three man military Junta which also includes Secretary No 2 and Secretary No 3.

Burma , or Myanmar as he renamed it in the 90s, is one of the most repressive regimes in the world. Millions have been doomed to starvation and slave labour (sound familiar?) in the midst of vicious ethnic cleansing which would have made the Chairman proud.


Shwe has come to terms with technology by banning fax machines, photocopiers and modems. Rumours also abound that following a bit of purge last year the three Secretaries had a gun battle indoors over a dispute about the wording of a document.

For some reason Myanmar has escaped the critical attention of the international community. China, of course, is generous to a fault in supplying weapons, dollars and diplomatic support. The US favours economic sanctions.

The European Union has restricted trade in pineapple juice.

We will watch with interest.

Still taking the Bish


As predicted yesterday the Bishop of Southwark's decision to go on the Today programme has been rewarded with a spate of articles taking the piss. There's a leader and a whole page in the Mirror and a page and cartoon in the Sun.

Who says the Lord doesn't need PR?

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Bashing the Bishop


The Bishop of Southwark, Tom Butler, did an excellent job this morning kicking back to life the story about his drunken antics leaving the Irish Embassy’s Christmas reception last week.

Reports of how he had got so drunk that he’d climbed into the back of a random car and started throwing toys out the window and then claimed to parishioners that he had been mugged had pretty much disappeared after his boss, Arch Bishop Rowan Williams, supported his decision not to resign.

For reasons best known to himself Butler decided to call up the Today Programme and asked to go on to tell the world he had amnesia which he was taking very seriously. The cynical old hacks on Today, used to all kinds of dodgy damage limitation, must have been sniggering behind their hands as they mic’d up the Bishop.

Essentially, Butler used the 1970s New York pimp defence, best applied when said pimp gets caught coming out of another woman’s apartment:

“It want me – must have been someone looked like me. Who you gonna believe, bitch, me or yo’ lying eyes”.

Look forward to reading the story and calls for his resignation all over again between now and Christmas.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Obstacles to Peace




The BBC broke the story yesterday about the world's tallest person rescuing some dolphins by sticking his arms down their throats to remove blockages.

It's good to see the Government adopting the same proactive approach to foreign policy.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

To the Death Car Robin


Tony Blair was questioned by the Met this morning.

In China when an official is found guilty of corrupution, they get the van out.

No Good Advice


It has been brought to Mme Mao attention that the "pop group" Girls Aloud are taking an active interest in the political sphere. As reported on the BBC they have made clear their thoughts on the downfall of British society. Some key thoughts and/or proposals include:

"It's boring. No 18-year-old wants to watch Gordon Brown doing his whole speech - turn it over!,"

"Politicians should stop trying to be cool and get on with running the country"


"You'd happily pay taxes if you thought: 'I'm paying them so a fireman or a nurse can have a decent wage',"


Now you'll forgive an old wizened Chinese women for not grasping the nuances of British pop music and the nature of its relationship with politics but I was under the impression that these five trollops were the runners-up in a reality TV show and have managed to maintain their celebrity until this time by racially abusing and assaulting nightclub toilet staff, admitting to drug use, marrying a professional footballer and constantly being pictured drunk in tabloid newspapers. Due to which they are entitled to say fuck all about anything important.


Who do they think they are? Bono?


Dealing with criminal elements

The horrific events taking place in Ipswich has prompted a media frenzy for Cracker style psychological profilers to fill the acres of pages given over to the story.

Madame Mao has offered her own insight and services as an expert in this field to the proper authorities. The solution is simple round up all the fat BMW owners in Norfolk and exterminate them. If the authorities are unable to identify the perpetrator or the crimes continue then we simply start with the next suspect social grouping - the 5,000 US Air Force personnel stationed at Lakenheath and Mildenhall for example, or all foreign HGV drivers heading for Felixstowe.

Let me introduce you to China's mobile execution unit or 'Death Car' which is currently replacing public execution by firing squad with lethal injection. More than 40 of the units are travelling around Chinese provinces administering justice.

VAN SPECS

Cost: $37,500 to $75,000, depending on vehicle's size
Length: 20 to 26 feet
Top speed: 65 to 80 mph

THREE SECTIONS

Execution chamber: in the back, with blacked-out windows; seats beside the stretcher for a court doctor and guards; sterilizer for injection equipment; wash basin
Observation area: in the middle, with a glass window separating it from execution area; can accommodate six people; official-in-charge oversees the execution through monitors connected to the prisoner and gives instruction via walkie-talkie.
Driver area

Production to date: at least 40 vehicles, made by Jinguan and two other companies in Jiangsu and Shandong provinces


As you can see there is little need for Anti Social Behaviour Orders in the People's Republic.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Sectarianism in Scotland


The Today Programme reports that in a bid to end religious sectarianism in Scotland the leaders of the protestant and catholic churches will attend the Rangers and Celtic game this weekend.

Madame Mao undertook vigorous research into the problem of religious bigotry in the West of Scotland through her disciple Michael Connarty in the 1970s.
The aim was to find out what made someone a catholic bigot or a protestant bigot.

While the answer is difficult the cause is simple.

It is easier to chant Fuck the Pope than it is to say Fuck The Moderator of the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland.

Pair of ...

When does a concert become a ‘gig’. It’s widely reported this morning that the Royal Princes, Wills and Harry, are organising a ‘gig’ to mark their mum’s birthday.

The event will be “full of energy, full of the sort of fun and happiness which I know she would have wanted” says the future King.

The Mirror reports that Charles and Camilla won't be there as the 'gig' is aimed at the Princes's generation.

What in God's name would a 24 year old and 22 year old be doing listening to Elton John, Duran Duran, The Enlgish National Ballet and Andrew Lloyd Webber?

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Prezza and the Princess

There is much hilarity today following a story in the Sun about John Prescott losing a tooth while trying to deliver a 10 minute speech in just 5 minutes at a meeting of European Socialists in Portugal.

Contrast and compare, if you will, the plight of Zara Philips, Princess Anne's daughter and BBC 'Sport' Personality of the year who lost a tooth at a meeting of international posh twats when she crashed her horse and smashed up her teeth because she had a bloody great silver spoon in her mouth!

Monday, December 11, 2006

The Quiet Man roars again!


Ian Duncan Smith, former leader of the Conservative Party and head of David Cameron’s policy group on social inclusion, has published his findings on poverty today.

The break up of families has been singled out as the main cause of what’s wrong with post industrial Britain. Duncan Smith has offered an incisive piece of new thinking here.

It would seem the reason that divorce is on the increase because the state has been giving poor people money in recent decades. This has caused greedy parents to get a taste for it and then go to loan sharks to fund their crack habits and pay for plasma screen TVs.

The key points of Duncan Smith’s paper

Stop giving poor people money, it encourages indolence and ungodliness.

Give thugs a clip round the ear (up to and including the right to shoot people in the chest with a 12 bore shotgun if you catch them in your front room).

Re-introduce postal orders to buy tuck at school.

Ban homosexuality (but if a couple of chaps happen to be poofters and want to raise a family, good luck to ‘em).

Allow men in mufflers and flat caps to gather at street corners on frosty mornings in the hope of picking up a fair day’s wage in return for a fair day’s unskilled labour.

You do .... ? That's wonderful



I join with Mrs Thatcher this morning in expressing great sadness at the death of our friend J.R. Hartley.

You know, one of the happiest periods in my life were the months in England during the 1980s when Margaret and I searched the bookshops of London for a copy of the book he’d written on Fly Fishing as a young man.

You can imagine the look on his face when he opened the parcel and all the memories flooded out. I do hope his memories didn't trouble him too much lately. Especially about the time when Mr Allende was elected Secretary to the North Yorks Cycle Club. Terrible business.

Monday, November 27, 2006

All Hail Fidel or "Hurry up and get on with it"

It has been brought to my attention that this Saturday is the 50th Anniversary of the beginning of the Cuban revolution and will double as a belated birthday to Fidel who, bless is camo socks, has been feeling a bit peaky lately and had to postpone his last birthday party.

Now far be it for me to criticise a good revolution, we've all been there, but these Cubans don't really seem to have fully understood the Maoist principles involved in a good ol' fashioned purge. Where are the bin-lid banging farmers and anti-intellectual stylings of yours truely?

Instead, all we here is "Wonderful health system" this and "Damn fine cigars" that. Well I've had enough. Personal message to Fidel: Start getting those peasants producing real communist products rather than bloody Che Guevara t-shirts or you're off my Christmas card list!

Spinking It Up Against the Wall



Tory MP Bob Spinks is in trouble again today following allegations of racism after he claimed that there were more black criminals than white.

Spinks even went as far, in e mails between himself and a constituent, to deny the possibility that more black people end up in jail because they are more likely to be stopped by the police as "raising political correctness to new heights".

Well that's OK then.

Many of you may have read Recess Monkey's reporting of Mr Spink visiting the Tandoori Parlour in his Castle point constituency.

Apparently, the Chicken Tikka wasn’t quite tikka enough and he asked the waiter to return it to the kitchen for some extra marinading.
The waiter told Bob Spink, “No, no, this is how it’s supposed to be”, to which Spink replied, “What part of send it back don’t you understand, Mr Patel?”

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Saturday's The Day Cause ....


News this afternoon that there is to be a Tizwaz reunion has prompted a wave of bourgeoise reminiscence to sweep the country.

The Phantom Flan Flinger and Spit the Dog - the whole lot - are coming back to look back to that time, long, long ago, when the world was a seventies sepia version of life without mobile phones.

Such a simple time.

In 1976, the year Tizwaz went national, I remember ordering the military to use force to break up demonstrations in Tiananmen Square; earthquakes in the Northern Provinces killed hundreds of thousands; the Chairman passed away while myself and three colleagues were mistakenly arrested by armed guards for merely acting on his orders. Unfortunately we never got out.

Just think, while you were sitting in front of the telly in your jammies on Saturday morning marvelling at Sally James's I was orchestrating the final touches to our programme of lifelong resettlement where we transferred some 12 million young people, who had taken part in the cultural revolution, out of the cities and 'Up To The Mountains And Down To The Villages' to be re-educated by the rural poor.

There still there to this day for all I know.

How has your life been?

You'll Work Harder With A Gun At Your Head For Bowl Of Rice A Day


Pensions supremo John Hutton is telling us today that unless we all agree to work until we're 68 income tax is going to go up by four pence in the pound.

Hutton is a pussy - you don't ask. Just bloody tell 'em! Work till you drop - no ipods no rice.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Kazahkstan President Laughs Off Comedian




The papers have enjoyed the light touch of Kazakh President Nursultan Nazarbayev who visited London yesterday and laughed off claims that a controversial election broadcast was politically damaging by saying "the film was created by a comedian, we should laugh at it".

The film, Prescott: Cultural Leanings Against the Private Office Door For The Benefit Of Getting Your End Away, portrays the spoof Prescott character as being sexist and violent and who travels around the UK in a bus shouting at people with a megaphone.

Mr. Nazarbayev denied that the film would damage the image of the UK abroad and confirmed that he hoped to maintain Kazahkstan's position as the third largest investor in the UK.

Aides to Mr. Blair would not be drawn on whether he had seen the film.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

McDonald's Global Ambassador Meets Clown


One of the people in this picture is a clown. The other is Ronald McDonald.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Art Imitating Life


Previous readers may remember when I set the bidding for Andy Warhol's portrait of the Helmsman at 70 million peasants.

Now it seems some Hong Kong based businessman has out bid me with an outdated cash based mode of exchange. A measly £9.19m.
It shows how much the Chairman can still generate - shows he's better than any Che Guevara or Elvis. Those boys are amateurs
Not even a portrait of Hitler, Stalin or Fred and Rosemary West can top the Chairman now. No way - we number 1!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

It Was Forty Years Ago Today ...


It's always sad when old friends fall out and the reports this week about Procol Harem's key board player suing over royalties for the famous opening bars of A Whiter Shade of Pale reminds me of my own legal troubles.

Back in the '67 Summer of love Procol Harem scored their massive world wide hit which stayed at the top of the charts for five weeks. Counter culture was coming centre stage and the youth of the west stopped and looked around - love and freedom were in the air.

At the same time I was encouraging hordes of young students to form Red Guard brigades and torture and humiliate their teachers while smashing centuries of culture and art, creating the conditions for permanent revolutionary upheaval.

You can understand my disappointment when many years later former Comrades starting coming out of the woodwork and saying "Madame Mao, it was my idea to shave the head of that primary school teacher" or "Madame Mao it was I who thought first to force children to denounce their parents or face being sent to a re-education camp".

Instead of complex legal battles, however, I simply had them all shot.

The possibilities for a fourth Austin Powers movie are limitless.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Drug Users Have Feelings Too


Predictable outrage in the tabloids this morning following revelations that a group of junkies and ex-drug dealers have been awarded £750,000 in the UK as compensation for being forced to go 'cold turkey' while locked up.


You may well laugh but even in the People's Republic of China revisionist tendencies amongst the leadership have passed laws preventing the physical punishment of drug users.


The Chairman will be turning in his mausoleum.
Looking at these photograph's of the way in which the Red Army dealt with this young drugs offender would suggest, however, that Sun Columnist, Kelvin McKenzie, still bears some influence on Chinese social policy.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Bi-partisan China Style

Following the Democrat victory in the US midterms the new buzz word is 'bi-partisan'. Meaning, of course, the two parties working together through the executive and legislature to avoid gridlock and actually achieve something over the final two years of George Bush's presidency.

The Democrats want to see a change of direction, not just on the war in Iraq but also on stem cell research, abortion and tax. And Bush? Well, he just wants to have some kind of legacy to make his pappy proud.

Watch the video to see how the Chairman would deal with delicate political situations like this and find out why China is the real force in geopolitics.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

No. 6 Ashkenazi


Madame Mao is very bored today so felt it was time to revive the latest in our occasional series featuring women in combat from around the world. This week Ashkenazi, wherever the fuck that is ... ?

Brokeback Polling


Folks can rest easy this morning after Good Ole Boy, Daniel Ortega, secured victory in the 2006 Nicaraguan elections.


Jeb Bush, George. W's brother and Governor of Texas, will be kicking back on the porch secure in the idea that he's made a friend for life by taking out ads in the Nicaraguan press linking the Sandinista's with international terrorism and threatening their coffee subsidies.

Yup, an' his old daddy - who used to work down at the CIA when them Contra folks got guns from Iran so they could set fire to villages and run cocaine cartels - must be feelin' mighty proud.

Heh, Fidel! break out em' franks 'n' beans.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

The Final Countdown

It was with a heavy heart that Madame Mao opened her morning paper and found that Des O'Connor had replaced sly Des Lynham as host of popular C4 quiz, Countdown.

Of course after Des Lynham announced his departure Madame Mao let it be known that after consulting with family and friends she had reluctantly allowed her name to go forward as host of the new series.

"I'll have a 所有中文字的部首用紅色表示﹔ please Jiang."

Beat that Vorderman, you bitch!

Friday, November 03, 2006

In the Eye of the Beholder

Shamed Ms Great Britain, Danielle Lloyd, is reportedly devastated that she has been stripped of her title after it was discovered she was sleeping with competition judge Teddy Sheringham.

The Ms GB competition was won through a public vote but the only member of the judges panel to vote for Danielle was, in fact, Teddy Sherringham.

Danielle had claimed that they only got together in February on the night of the pageant after party but forgot her story and told Playboy that she had been busy giving him one all through Christmas - wearing his PJs and a £7,000 pair of Jimmy Choo's, apparently

Competition officials didn't have a choice.

Now, I'm not quite the looker Danielle is but I'm proud to report that I was Ms Comrade Shanghai between 1929 and 1935. You can see from this old picture of myself that I was no slouch.

But back in my day we took competition (although not in the capitalist sense) very seriously and there was certainly no foul play. Strangely enough girls used to show up of for the preliminary heats and then never came back. Obviously they had no confidence that they could match my own beauty as a communist, both inside and out.

Funny thing is that not only did they not turn up the next day, they were never seen again.

Death to Kidnappers


Full marks to Francisco Santos, Vice Presdident of Columbia, who has berated supermodel Kate Moss for the impact her cocaine abuse has had on the Central American country.

Aparantly CIA backed cartel death squads such as Muerte A Secuestradores have started greeting each other with air kisses, wearing Stella McCartney and ordering poached chicken and lettuce off menu.

It's time they got back to torturing trade unionists and setting fire to farmsteads.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Fighting for Peace is Like Fucking for Virginity



Condom sales in Seoul and bookings at several of South Korea's pay-by-the-hour love motels have gone through the roof after Kim Jong Il tested his weapon.

Condom sales rose to an average of 1,930 a day in the week following the explosion, compared to 1,508 a day for the year to Sept. 30.

Another national chain said it sold US$3,721 worth of condoms a day during the week after the test - a 14.8 per cent rise.

A political destination



News International again and today they're grinding out the story that Osama Bin Ladin's infamous cave hideout at Tora Bora is being converted into a luxury holiday destination.

Perhaps Murdoch has shares.

Local Warlord turned Governor, Gul Agha Sherazi, claims that area is now completely safe and "wants to be known for tourism not terrorism".

I think they're on to something here. A bit like going to lapland to see Santa but different.

Madame Mao is thinking about setting up travel company offering gap year holidays for political monsters:
  • Visit one of the Chairman's 341 'lairs' throughout China where he gang banged nubile girls from local villages. (Why is it terrorists and dictators all have 'lairs'?)
  • Stop off in Kampala where Idi Amin ate human liver and stuck his cock in the eye socket of a skull.
  • Travel by rail across the steppes in Trotsky's armoured train setting fire to cows and old women.
  • Relax by the pool with scantily clad nurses in Kim Jong Il's seven story pleasure palace (actually that sounds all right).

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Dictator Chic

The Sun is running piece this morning on Dictator Chic. Unfortunately News International is too mean to share its photos on the net, so you'll just have to look yourself.

Which is a pity because they've got some excellent pics of Castro in a track suit, Gadaffi and Mugabe in snappy suits and, my personal favourite, Hussein in a Pete Docherty style pork pie hat.

Sad to say, however, The Sun missed out Cambodia's Pol Pot who instead of hats started the trend in South East Asia for people not wearing heads.

Vaz da problem?

Many people think that China's one-party system and state controlled apparatus means that we are incredibly wasteful and inefficient. I will not argue this for now but merely point my finger in the direction of Keith Vaz. Vaz, who is known in the UK for a passport fiddling row a few years ago, today tabled no fewer than 67 parliamentary questions. Each one will have to be answered and on average cost the UK taxpayer £322. So a quick bit of math gives a grand total of just over twenty-one and a half thousand pounds. For those interested in what Keith wants to know I have helpfully reprinted the questions below. If you know the answer, email Keith and let him know and he can withdraw the question saving time and money.

So, those all important questions:


Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Eleri Evans.
(98945)
23
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Issan Ghazni Partnership.
(98946)
24
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed CIMTECH.
(98947)
25
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Design Systems Technology Ltd.
(98948)
26
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Horwood Safety Limited.
(98949)
27
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Analogue.
(98950)
28
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Reshan Sandhu.
(98951)
29
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Dennis Battle Associates.
(98952)
30
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Rick Evans Ltd.
(98953)
31
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Mandurai Ltd.
(98954)
32
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Largos Ltd.
(98955)
33
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Rene Caroyal.
(98956)
34
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Elborough Consulting/TSO Consulting.
(98957)
35
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Alexander Cameron Ltd.
(98958)
36
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Venn Group Ltd.
(98959)
37
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Professor Susskind.
(98960)
38
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed GIC Ltd.
(98961)
39
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Tribal MPC.
(98962)
40
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Penna.
(98963)
41
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Computer Sciences Corporation.
(98964)
42
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Craigforth.
(98965)
43
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed UCL Consultants.
(98966)
44
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Adult Learning Inspectorate.
(98967)
45
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Hedra.
(98968)
46
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Digital Public.
(98969)
47
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed David Coates.
(98970)
48
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Ilogic Ventures.
(98971)
49
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Punter Southall.
(98972)
50
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Lexicon Ltd.
(98973)
51
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Maitland Consultancy.
(98974)
52
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Haygarth Group.
(98975)
53
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Ask Europe Plc.
(98976)
54
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed IPPR Consulting Ltd.
(98977)
55
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Logica CMG UK Ltd.
(98978)
56
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Cleo Nicolau.
(98979)
57
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Parity Resources.
(98980)
58
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Synopsis Communication Consulting Limited.
(98981)
59
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed JMH Consultancy.
(98982)
60
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Capita Resourcing.
(98983)
61
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Hudson Global Resources.
(98984)
62
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed VP Treen and Associates.
(98985)
63
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Chesterton.
(98986)
64
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Cornwell Management Consultants.
(98987)
65
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Watson Associates.
(98988)
66
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed NCC Services Ltd.
(98989)
67
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed MORI.
(98990)
68
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Assessment and Development Consultancy.
(98991)
69
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Communication Engagement and Change Ltd.
(98992)
70
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed John Garnett.
(98993)
71
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Human Assets Ltd.
(98994)
72
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Methods Consulting.
(98995)
73
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Gartner UK Ltd.
(98996)
74
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Anagram.
(98997)
75
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Wheelers.
(98998)
76
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Insight Consulting Ltd.
(98999)
77
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Hurd Rolland.
(99000)
78
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Enodian Ltd.
(99001)
79
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed BTF Associates.
(99002)
80
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed BTA Consulting.
(99003)
81
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Ernst and Young LLP.
(99004)
82
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed The Ingram Partnership.
(99005)
83
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed DTZ Debenhan Tie Leung.
(99006)
84
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed ORC International.
(99007)
85
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Towers Perrin.
(99008)
86
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purposes her Department employed Mouchel Consulting Limited.
(99009)
87
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purpose her Department employed KPMG.
(99010)
88
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purpose her Department employed PA.
(99011)
89
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purpose her Department employed Deloitte MCS Ltd.
(99012)
90
Keith Vaz (Leicester East): To ask the Minister of State, Department for Constitutional Affairs, pursuant to the Answer of 4th May 2006, Official Report, column 1798W, on consultants, for what purpose her Department employed PricewaterhouseCoopers.
(99013)


Twat.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

No. 5 - The all conquering girls of the PRC Army

Mme Mao is devoutly opposed to the exploitation of women in all forms and believes the sexualisation of military uniforms to be a capitalist ploy to lower morale in the proletariat. Two can play at that game.





Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Many Happy Rooturns



Madame Mao is absolutely thrilled to join with Coleen and all the gang at Man U in wishing ace striker Wayne Rooney all the best on his 21st birthday.

As a special commerative post we've found this picture of Wayne from the 24th October 1985 when his proud dad showed him off for the first time.

Who would have thought he would have gone on to live the dream as Manchester United and England's star player.

Who would have thought that fiance, Coleen would spend £75K on a watch, bag and golf simulator as his birthday gifts.

Luckily for Wayne his old mates on Merseyside stuck on the dole or in call centres on18K a year aren't peasant revolutionaries .

If they were Wayne and Coleen could expect to have his luxury party tonight crashed by young men in balaclavas armed with knifes and sub-machine guns who would kill everyone in the room, gut them and smear their internal organs all over the walls before stealing their jewellery to mark the shining path.

Phew, luckily Wayne will just get his hub caps nicked.

Monday, October 23, 2006

No. 4 Bucking the trend ... Chechnya

No. 3 Brazil

Ahem ...



... I seem to have stumbled on to something here.

No. 2 Yemen


Friday, October 20, 2006

No.1 Bosnia Herzogovina

To mark international women's solidarity day Madame Mao has decided to post female comrades in action.

This week Bosnia Herzogovina.