We await the handsome spoilt prince with baited breath

While the showbiz pages continue to run stories about Prince Harry's girlfriend Chelsy visiting him as he prepares to leave for Iraq defence chiefs have changed their mind about deploying the 22 year old prince.

The move comes after insurgents promised to hunt Harry down and send him home to the Queen with his ears cut off.


One can only assume that if they had made the same threat to Harry's father the Queen would have jumped at the chance.

More Boris

Several papers this morning are running glowing testimonials to Yeltsin's prodigious alchohol consumption. The Sun has published a World Leaders' Caners League and reminded us that Churchill, despite being a capitalist running dog, sustained himself throughout the day with claret and soda , a bottle of champagne with dinner, port after meals, brandy after port, and a martini nightcap.

They also mention Stalin who liked the booze but neglected to mention that he had nightly parties where guests were forced to drink round after round of vodka and he used to make the politburo dance on the table to an old recording of 'How Much Is That Doggie In The Window'.

The Caners League also includes Pitt the Younger, Richard Nixon, George Brown, Peter the Great.

Inexplicably, they've included someon called Charles Kennedy in this league of World Leaders.

Famous for being in charge of a minor UK party and for being a bit ginger as far as I can make out.

In loving memory of Boris...

The violence of Miss Mexico

Organisers of the Miss Universe competition have forced Miss Mexico to change her dress on the grounds that it is too violent.

The dress, which is accessorised by a bullet belt, features pictures of public hangings and a man facing a firing squad during the Catholic uprising of 1926.

Hah! If we tried that in China we'd need to find a bigger hall to hold the dress.

Tag pensioners? I'll shave your head

Science Minister, Malcolm Wicks, is suggesting that elderly people should be tagged "for their own safety".

As a sprightly 92 year old I take offence.

What about this - why don't we get stupid so called socialist white middle class politicians and have hundreds of young angry students turn up chanting outside their office. Then we'll make them wear a dunce's hat and beat them death with broom handles outside in the street.

What about that, Malcolm? Eh, we know where you work. We can make you wear a piss soaked blindfold "just for your own safety".

BNFL - Puttin' on the Ritz

The weak UK liberal press are up in arms about reports that the bodyparts of 65 Sellafield workers were removed and stored without consent.

Police are looking for a 6 meter tall collection of gristle, bone and connective tissue that glows in the dark.

Sounds like the women's field athletics team for the Beijing olympics.

The Question Mark Kid

Following the horrendous events at Virginia Tech and the heart breaking split between Prince William and Kate Middleton, Prince Philip has taken the precaution of removing the keys to the gun cupboard from Prince Harry's butler.


The move comes following the discovery of Prince Harry stalking the Buying Department of Jigsaw in full army fatigiues with a bottle of Stolychanya and four gramms of cocaine.



A palace insider said, "Harry is just like any young man sowing his wild oates, eh, What!"

'Let's trash the average family-sized house disco party'

Madame Mao was strangely drawn to the story on Sky today about a girl who advertised a 'Skins' party on Myspace and 200 teenagers turned up and wrecked the joint.

One of the neighbour's who had tried to chase off party goers with a golf club told reporters "This is a quiet street. If there had been 15 or 20 kids, I would have been shocked but when there's that many and you see somebody getting out of a taxi with a suitcase full of alcohol, it sets the alarm bells ringing."

It does indeed. Apparantly there was £20,000 worth of damage and Mum's wedding dress had been pulled out and urinated on.

Can you imagine Chairman Mao's Myspace site: 'Come to the destruction of 4,000 years worth of culture by a guerrilla based communist party party'.

Did you know that between 1949 and 1976 3 million counter revolutionaries were killed by 'execution, mob or suicide'.

Now, that's a party.

Easter is about eggs

French Elections

To the BBC and news of the increasing Americanisation of the French Presidential elections. Madame Mao reads that the Presidential candidates are 'lining up sport stars for political support'.

I my day we also lined up sport stars, not for political support, mainly against the wall.

No matter, readers will be aware of my seething antipathy towards Segolene Royale for stepping on my toes as the only Madame of the Left. I note however that she has attracted support from socialist tennis star Yannick Noah and footballer Lilian Thuram who denounces the racism of conservative front runner, Nicolas Sarkozy.

Sarkozy himself as attracted the approval of former international Basile Boli who approves of plans to create an immigration and national identity ministry.

According to Boli he supports the move following on from his experience of playing in England and Japan.

However, my acolyte, Michael Connerty MP, who knows about these things has explained to me that far from playing in England Boli learnt his English politics during his time at Glasgow Rangers in the mid 1990s where he was regularly entreated by fans to march about while up to his knees in dead catholics.

I also understand that he managed only a year at the club scoring twice in 28 games. I would appear that far from setting the turf alight he was best known for adding his name to the menus of the Ibrox snack concessions. Hun Pies and Bluenose Burgers were joined by the almost existential Boli Soup.

Apparantly Scottish comrades find this sort of thing funny.

Up shit creek - inside Martin Strel's wetsuit

A Slovenian endurance athlete known as the Fishman has completed a 3,000 mile swim along the length of the Amazon.

The Fishman also known as Martin Strel had to avoid crocodiles and sharks and had his team chum parts of the river with blood and raw meat to keep the piranha fish away.

But the Fishman's most terrifying Amazon enemy was the toothpick fish which is attracted by urine and enters the body through the penis where it extends spiked barbs and begins eating.

"I never urinate straight into the water, I always urinate straight into my wetsuit" says Martin.

According to the Guardian he also suffered from high blood pressure and diahhorea.

Christ knows what the inside of his wetsuit must be like.

Introducing the Ahmadinejad casual range

Iranian clothes designer Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has taken inspiration from Jean Paul Gaultier's sailor theme with this year's exciting new range.

Suits will have a sharper cut and use lighter, almost tropical fabrics, and be worn with an open collar and black Clarks brogues. The new Ahmadinejad range is part of a new movement that has seen Mecca replace Milan and London as one of the world's major fashion capitals.

After a busy 13 days during Tehran fashion week the new designs are being launched by Slater's Menswear in Glasgow. Slater's is famous all over West Central Scotland for Ralph's room where top footballers from the Scottish Football League go for their designer labels.

Slater's is also well known to generations of Glaswegians who have dressed for an appearance at the nearby Sheriff Court for under a £49.99.

Ahmadinijad is also launching new styles for women at George at Asda with a innovative look at old favourites including veils, head scarfs and big stripey jumpers. Black is expected to be one of this year's theme.

Facebook

Although frail and ailing Madame Mao has embraced modern technologies in a bid to create the conditions for permanent violent revolution to overthrow decedant western capitalism.

You can become my friend Facebook me! .

Keith Richards snorts his dads remains

The headline says it all really.

The story goes that in 2002 the 63 year old rocker mixed up his dead fathers ashes with some cocaine and snortes them. 'It's what he would have wanted, man', says Keith.

Madame Mao thinks that the Rolling Stone saw yesterday's post about Boris Johnson acting to type and having to apologise to a whole town (again) and thought - heh! everyone's forgot about me, I wonder what I can say.

You think that's decadent, white boy? The old Chairman ground up the bones of his entire domestic staff in 1974 and fed it to President Nixon on his french toast during his state visit.

Boris Johnson does it again

This time Boris has insulted Portsmouth by writing that the City "is one of the most depressed towns in Southern England, a place that is arguably too full of drugs, obesity, underachievement and Labour MPs."

This is his follow up to accusing Liverpool of "wallowing" in "victim status" when Ken Bigley was be-headed in Iraq and, my personal favourite, comparing Tory Party politics to "Papua New Guinea-style orgies of cannibalism and chief-killing".

One can only wonder when he will apologise for , along with David Cameron, being a member of Oxford's posh Bullingdon Club who like to get so drunk they piss and shit all over the floor.

Wrong kind of spokesperson on the radio

France's TGV trains hopes to break the world speed record today be reaching 540 miles per hour or 150 metres per second. The business section on the Today Programme had some idiot from Network Rail on to answer why UK train's couldn't do the same thing. "Er", he stumbled, "France is a longer country than the UK".

Dick.