Bird flu flew through you

Madame Mao de-camped for the country over the weekend.

I visited my Summer residence - the Sea Marge Hotel in Overstrand, Norfolk.

The hotel was originally owned by German financier Sir Edgar Speyer who was a great friend of Kaiser Willhelm. Churchill repatriated him to Germany during WW1 after it was found he had converted the Coach House into a seaward facing gun placement and was in the habit of signalling German U Boats off the Norfolk Coast in the dead of night.

On Saturday night after dinner as the women retired to the drawing room leaving the men to play billiards and smoke cigars I slipped away through one of the restored passage ways behind the library to the Coach House.

Concealed by shadows I carefully moved the old Aga from against the back wall and pulled out my radio equipment sending just two short bursts to the Xai Class subs waiting off Foulness Sands.

You can imagine my anger when it turns out the Comrade Mathews picked up the signals and, using the wrong code book, released the H5N1 early.

In the end a biosecurity zone was set up around his farm at Holton, 27km south-west of Lowestoft, a 3km protection zone and a 10km surveillance zone was put in place – and the plans of the Red Hordes went back to the drawing board.


And I don't mind telling you that the Foreign Minister and I were furious at the devestation that Mathews and his bloody bird flu had caused. Especially to the hotel's priceless flock of Miami Flamingos, not to mention the croquet lawn.


You know, I don't think they'll have us back next year.