Madame Mao checks into the Priory

Madame Mao has checked herself into the Priory with stress and depression following a media storm over claims that 70 million peasants and intellectuals lost their lives during her time in the Chairman Mao House between 1949 and 1976.

Mao claims that she was tipped over the edge after her husband made fun of her publically in front of the Politburo and continued to have affairs with nubile farm girls.

Big Brother winner Shilpa Shetty said, "I do not see people of different colours or creeds - only workers".

Anti bourgeoise bias in the Tory press

I read this interesting critique of the British Higher Eduction system this morning by Christine Odone in the Telegraph.

"Stand by for youngsters, in the best traditions of a Stalinist show-trial or Maoist self-criticism session, using their university interviews not to display their knowledge but to repudiate their parents'. "My bourgeois-deviationist parents tried to instill a love of books," the youngster will crow, "but out of loyalty to proletarian internationalism I resisted and did nothing but play computer games." Asbos, not A-levels, are the ticket to the groves of academe."

Is the Telegraph at long last turning its ample hulk, much like the MSC Napoli, away from its support for UKIP and back towards the mainstrea Cameron utopia?

It turns out that former soldier, Ben Bradley, who murdered four of his family in the North East of England with an army pistol was insane

I wonder what gave them that idea.

MSC Napoli bandits brought to justice

Madame Mao has been unable to post over the past couple of days as she has been down on the Devon Coast helping set up the security cordon around the MSC Napoli 'clean up'.

Prospective scavengers will now be put off by the sight of villagers tied to polls at strategic points around the cordon with urine soaked bandages over their eyes.

Incidentally, look what I found in one of the containers.


Thousands of these fellas all standing in row, some of them with horses and one guy was even taking a shit in a bucket. Obviously, as an artefact of a recidivist fuedal culture, I have requisitioned this in the name of the people to remind them of how free they have become.

MmeMao Exclusive!

Matthew Taylor, Liberal Democrat MP and sex-monger is stepping down. More details to follow.

Edit: The BBC is reporting the reason he is stepping down is "to spend more time with his family". Popbitch may disagree. Google: LibDem + back of taxi

İlgiltere'de gündem Prescott'ın penisi

Tracey's back working in Prezza's old department. Click here for a very entertaining run down of the whole sorry affair in Turkish. Stangely you get the whole gist from the pictures without having to understand a word you're reading.



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The art of politics

The squawking reactionary Trotskyites of the revisionist Socialist Workers Party wielded megaphones outside London’s Coliseum Theatre last Friday as Madame Mao skulked in the shadows of St Martin’s lane.

While the Trotskyites were spying on English National Ballet’s BNP Ballerina, Simone Clarke, who was performing in Giselle, Madame Mao was spying on the factionalist traitors in the SWP.

Members of the BNP’s Barking and Dagenham political wing mounted a counter demonstration outside the box office and Madame Mao was shocked to hear one urge on his fellow Nazi sympathisers with the slogan:

“Once we’ve battered these commie bastards lets batter the poofs wearing tights inside the theatre!”

The deeply disturbing thing is that Clarke's partner is a Cuban immigrant of Chinese descent called Yet-San Chan.

This is too much for me, I'm an old woman. Politics is being turned on its head. The next thing the Conservatives will call themselves the party of working people and Labour will privatise state health care.

Scott of the Antartic's last letter

Captain Scott's ill fated expedition to the South Pole in 1912 is one of the most moving stories of the twentieth century.

His final letter to his wife was released this morning illuminating the human tragedy that unfolded as he realised he would not be first to the pole.


Dearest Kathleen,

Fucks sake there's loads of little Chinese fellers here. Thousands of 'em. How in God's name did they get here before us!?!?!

Capt. Scott

p.s. It's fucking freezing

For Fox Sake!

Dr Liam Fox, the erstwhile Conservative Party Shadow Defence Secretary has dropped a bit of a blooper. He made comments alluding to the participation of Poland and Hungary in NATO. Apparently they don't spend enough on defence and therefore are reneging on a NATO commitment ergo they should be expelled.

Now we shall for a minute ignore Dr Fox's lack of geo-political nous and concentrate instead on a different course of action for the Conservative government to espouse. Why not have Britain leave NATO and join in a a bilateral pact with yours truly and the People's Republic of China. We've got the armed forces and all the weapons you could need; and as long as you turn a blind eye when we nuke Taiwan everything will be hunky-dory.

Liam, baby, me love you long time.

My little China girl

David Bowie, my most high profile and least effective spy, has reached 60. It's 30 years since he wrote his love poem to me.

How strange that the years continue to pass. Bowie first came to the attention of Madame Mao after her young disciple Michael Connerty started sending excited reports from his bedroom in the 1970s.

The Cultural Revolution was at its height back then and the prospect of using Bowie’s skeletal form as a Trojan spaceman to infect the capitalist western Christian/Judean construct was one that was too good to miss.

Through Connarty I sent a number of missives to the pop star. where he became the Thin White Duke I urged him to become instead the Short Yellow Comrade. Where he wore the garish face paint of Alladin Sane I urged the more correct serge blue suit and cap, thick glasses and a bicycle.

Hah! That Bowie … no imagination.

There can only be one Madame

Madame Mao has noted that this year will be significant in terms of elections in Europe. In France Segolene Royal will take on the right which appears split between Sarkozy, Chirac and his acolyite de Villipan and the odious Jean Marie Le Pen. Which means she might win.

Royal is cunningly telling people she is refusing to play to the media while at the same time allowing herself to be photographed in a bikini and having herself voted the sixth most beautiful woman by French FHM. Coming in behind such disfigured hags as Penelope Cruz and Elizabeth Hurley.

In my day beauty was measured in the steel of socialist conviction not the fleeting shallowness of looks.

May I remind readers that I was Miss Comrade Shanghai between 1929 and 1935 and was complimented by President Nixon himself. If I have my way I will abolish the election process and then I will abolish Madame Royal!!


There can only be one Madame of the Left!

Back to the future

Madame Mao had a look at her readership statistics this morning and found the most page loads from people who googled search words came from the following:

'shag my wife' which takes you to a post called 'The David Cameron Shag My Wife Spoof in Full'

or

'madame tory' which takes you to a post called 'Touch Feely Tory' about dogging at the British Conservative Party conference in Bournemouth.

Both categories of reader apparently in search of a bit of adult correction.

Obviously being spanked is the bridge between Conservative values and Cameron's modern Tory Pary!

Piss up in a brewery

Sky News this lunchtime and Foreign Editor, Tim Marshall, has just come out with a classic on the story about an enquiry into Sadam's Execution turning into a happy slapping and being filmed on a mobile.

He launched into one about the Iraqi authorities and said "I mean if you can't even organise an orderly state execution what chance have you of running the country".

Exactly! Sadam may have been a monster but at least you knew where you were with him - no messing about, just mustard gas the whole village.

The Americans came out with a brilliant line too: "well he was alright when he left here".

The Sky anchor piled right in and said that the US had looked after Sadam for 3 years and the Iraqis had ballsed it up after just 32 minutes of custody.

Yup, the Yanks know how to look after condemned prisoners - they should do Bush has fried enough of them.

What about all those guys stripped naked, attacked with dogs arranged into a pile and made to wank each other off in Abu Ghraib? I'm sure they'll take great solace in the idea that the Americans know how to treat prisoners with solemnity and dignity.

Post script: Iraqi PM says he doesn't like being leader and wants to quit before his term of office is up. I'm not bloody suprised!

Sadamned if you don't Sadamned if you do

Tom Butler the Bishop of Southwark once again this morning indulged his passion for going on the Today Programme.

On the last occasion he was claiming to be the victim of a neurological amnesia - a medical condition which gets you really pissed - in a deranged bid to keep his job.

This morning in what can only be seen as grievious sucking up in a deranged bid to keep his job he went on air to defend the execution of Sadam Hussein on the grounds that it's all right if it's done with a bit of dignity. You know, helping Granny in the hospice slip gently away into the night with her bony fingers clasped round her rosary.

I'm sure similar thoughts were in Sadam's mind when he cut off the arms of prisoners, fed the limbs into a meet grinder along with strips of plastic which he made the victims eat.

Thai the knot

Bombs ripped through the heart of Bangkok yesterday prompting the British, US and Australian Embassies to warn nationals not to visit the city.

Given that at this time of year most of South East Asia is heaving with hundreds of thousands of pasty Europeans trying to avoid Christmas and New Year this seems a relatively tall order.

One can only assume the bombers had one particular pasty faced couple in mind.