All Hail Fidel or "Hurry up and get on with it"

It has been brought to my attention that this Saturday is the 50th Anniversary of the beginning of the Cuban revolution and will double as a belated birthday to Fidel who, bless is camo socks, has been feeling a bit peaky lately and had to postpone his last birthday party.

Now far be it for me to criticise a good revolution, we've all been there, but these Cubans don't really seem to have fully understood the Maoist principles involved in a good ol' fashioned purge. Where are the bin-lid banging farmers and anti-intellectual stylings of yours truely?

Instead, all we here is "Wonderful health system" this and "Damn fine cigars" that. Well I've had enough. Personal message to Fidel: Start getting those peasants producing real communist products rather than bloody Che Guevara t-shirts or you're off my Christmas card list!

Spinking It Up Against the Wall

Tory MP Bob Spinks is in trouble again today following allegations of racism after he claimed that there were more black criminals than white.

Spinks even went as far, in e mails between himself and a constituent, to deny the possibility that more black people end up in jail because they are more likely to be stopped by the police as "raising political correctness to new heights".

Well that's OK then.

Many of you may have read Recess Monkey's reporting of Mr Spink visiting the Tandoori Parlour in his Castle point constituency.

Apparently, the Chicken Tikka wasn’t quite tikka enough and he asked the waiter to return it to the kitchen for some extra marinading.
The waiter told Bob Spink, “No, no, this is how it’s supposed to be”, to which Spink replied, “What part of send it back don’t you understand, Mr Patel?”

Saturday's The Day Cause ....

News this afternoon that there is to be a Tizwaz reunion has prompted a wave of bourgeoise reminiscence to sweep the country.

The Phantom Flan Flinger and Spit the Dog - the whole lot - are coming back to look back to that time, long, long ago, when the world was a seventies sepia version of life without mobile phones.

Such a simple time.

In 1976, the year Tizwaz went national, I remember ordering the military to use force to break up demonstrations in Tiananmen Square; earthquakes in the Northern Provinces killed hundreds of thousands; the Chairman passed away while myself and three colleagues were mistakenly arrested by armed guards for merely acting on his orders. Unfortunately we never got out.

Just think, while you were sitting in front of the telly in your jammies on Saturday morning marvelling at Sally James's I was orchestrating the final touches to our programme of lifelong resettlement where we transferred some 12 million young people, who had taken part in the cultural revolution, out of the cities and 'Up To The Mountains And Down To The Villages' to be re-educated by the rural poor.

There still there to this day for all I know.

How has your life been?

You'll Work Harder With A Gun At Your Head For Bowl Of Rice A Day

Pensions supremo John Hutton is telling us today that unless we all agree to work until we're 68 income tax is going to go up by four pence in the pound.

Hutton is a pussy - you don't ask. Just bloody tell 'em! Work till you drop - no ipods no rice.

Kazahkstan President Laughs Off Comedian

The papers have enjoyed the light touch of Kazakh President Nursultan Nazarbayev who visited London yesterday and laughed off claims that a controversial election broadcast was politically damaging by saying "the film was created by a comedian, we should laugh at it".

The film, Prescott: Cultural Leanings Against the Private Office Door For The Benefit Of Getting Your End Away, portrays the spoof Prescott character as being sexist and violent and who travels around the UK in a bus shouting at people with a megaphone.

Mr. Nazarbayev denied that the film would damage the image of the UK abroad and confirmed that he hoped to maintain Kazahkstan's position as the third largest investor in the UK.

Aides to Mr. Blair would not be drawn on whether he had seen the film.

McDonald's Global Ambassador Meets Clown

One of the people in this picture is a clown. The other is Ronald McDonald.

Art Imitating Life

Previous readers may remember when I set the bidding for Andy Warhol's portrait of the Helmsman at 70 million peasants.

Now it seems some Hong Kong based businessman has out bid me with an outdated cash based mode of exchange. A measly £9.19m.

It shows how much the Chairman can still generate - shows he's better than any Che Guevara or Elvis. Those boys are amateurs

Not even a portrait of Hitler, Stalin or Fred and Rosemary West can top the Chairman now. No way - we number 1!

It Was Forty Years Ago Today ...

It's always sad when old friends fall out and the reports this week about Procol Harem's key board player suing over royalties for the famous opening bars of A Whiter Shade of Pale reminds me of my own legal troubles.

Back in the '67 Summer of love Procol Harem scored their massive world wide hit which stayed at the top of the charts for five weeks. Counter culture was coming centre stage and the youth of the west stopped and looked around - love and freedom were in the air.

At the same time I was encouraging hordes of young students to form Red Guard brigades and torture and humiliate their teachers while smashing centuries of culture and art, creating the conditions for permanent revolutionary upheaval.

You can understand my disappointment when many years later former Comrades starting coming out of the woodwork and saying "Madame Mao, it was my idea to shave the head of that primary school teacher" or "Madame Mao it was I who thought first to force children to denounce their parents or face being sent to a re-education camp".

Instead of complex legal battles, however, I simply had them all shot.

The possibilities for a fourth Austin Powers movie are limitless.

Drug Users Have Feelings Too

Predictable outrage in the tabloids this morning following revelations that a group of junkies and ex-drug dealers have been awarded £750,000 in the UK as compensation for being forced to go 'cold turkey' while locked up.

You may well laugh but even in the People's Republic of China revisionist tendencies amongst the leadership have passed laws preventing the physical punishment of drug users.

The Chairman will be turning in his mausoleum.

Looking at these photograph's of the way in which the Red Army dealt with this young drugs offender would suggest, however, that Sun Columnist, Kelvin McKenzie, still bears some influence on Chinese social policy.

Bi-partisan China Style

Following the Democrat victory in the US midterms the new buzz word is 'bi-partisan'. Meaning, of course, the two parties working together through the executive and legislature to avoid gridlock and actually achieve something over the final two years of George Bush's presidency.

The Democrats want to see a change of direction, not just on the war in Iraq but also on stem cell research, abortion and tax. And Bush? Well, he just wants to have some kind of legacy to make his pappy proud.

Watch the video to see how the Chairman would deal with delicate political situations like this and find out why China is the real force in geopolitics.

No. 6 Ashkenazi

Madame Mao is very bored today so felt it was time to revive the latest in our occasional series featuring women in combat from around the world. This week Ashkenazi, wherever the fuck that is ... ?

Brokeback Polling

Folks can rest easy this morning after Good Ole Boy, Daniel Ortega, secured victory in the 2006 Nicaraguan elections.


Jeb Bush, George. W's brother and Governor of Texas, will be kicking back on the porch secure in the idea that he's made a friend for life by taking out ads in the Nicaraguan press linking the Sandinista's with international terrorism and threatening their coffee subsidies.

Yup, an' his old daddy - who used to work down at the CIA when them Contra folks got guns from Iran so they could set fire to villages and run cocaine cartels - must be feelin' mighty proud.

Heh, Fidel! break out em' franks 'n' beans.

The Final Countdown

It was with a heavy heart that Madame Mao opened her morning paper and found that Des O'Connor had replaced sly Des Lynham as host of popular C4 quiz, Countdown.

Of course after Des Lynham announced his departure Madame Mao let it be known that after consulting with family and friends she had reluctantly allowed her name to go forward as host of the new series.

"I'll have a 所有中文字的部首用紅色表示﹔ please Jiang."

Beat that Vorderman, you bitch!

In the Eye of the Beholder

Shamed Ms Great Britain, Danielle Lloyd, is reportedly devastated that she has been stripped of her title after it was discovered she was sleeping with competition judge Teddy Sheringham.

The Ms GB competition was won through a public vote but the only member of the judges panel to vote for Danielle was, in fact, Teddy Sherringham.

Danielle had claimed that they only got together in February on the night of the pageant after party but forgot her story and told Playboy that she had been busy giving him one all through Christmas - wearing his PJs and a £7,000 pair of Jimmy Choo's, apparently

Competition officials didn't have a choice.

Now, I'm not quite the looker Danielle is but I'm proud to report that I was Ms Comrade Shanghai between 1929 and 1935. You can see from this old picture of myself that I was no slouch.

But back in my day we took competition (although not in the capitalist sense) very seriously and there was certainly no foul play. Strangely enough girls used to show up of for the preliminary heats and then never came back. Obviously they had no confidence that they could match my own beauty as a communist, both inside and out.

Funny thing is that not only did they not turn up the next day, they were never seen again.

Death to Kidnappers

Full marks to Francisco Santos, Vice Presdident of Columbia, who has berated supermodel Kate Moss for the impact her cocaine abuse has had on the Central American country.

Aparantly CIA backed cartel death squads such as Muerte A Secuestradores have started greeting each other with air kisses, wearing Stella McCartney and ordering poached chicken and lettuce off menu.

It's time they got back to torturing trade unionists and setting fire to farmsteads.

Fighting for Peace is Like Fucking for Virginity

Condom sales in Seoul and bookings at several of South Korea's pay-by-the-hour love motels have gone through the roof after Kim Jong Il tested his weapon.

Condom sales rose to an average of 1,930 a day in the week following the explosion, compared to 1,508 a day for the year to Sept. 30.

Another national chain said it sold US$3,721 worth of condoms a day during the week after the test - a 14.8 per cent rise.

A political destination

News International again and today they're grinding out the story that Osama Bin Ladin's infamous cave hideout at Tora Bora is being converted into a luxury holiday destination.

Perhaps Murdoch has shares.

Local Warlord turned Governor, Gul Agha Sherazi, claims that area is now completely safe and "wants to be known for tourism not terrorism".

I think they're on to something here. A bit like going to lapland to see Santa but different.

Madame Mao is thinking about setting up travel company offering gap year holidays for political monsters:

• Visit one of the Chairman's 341 'lairs' throughout China where he gang banged nubile girls from local villages. (Why is it terrorists and dictators all have 'lairs'?)
• Stop off in Kampala where Idi Amin ate human liver and stuck his cock in the eye socket of a skull.
• Travel by rail across the steppes in Trotsky's armoured train setting fire to cows and old women.
• Relax by the pool with scantily clad nurses in Kim Jong Il's seven story pleasure palace (actually that sounds all right).