Cloak of invisibility

British Boffins working in an American laboratory have produced a 'cloak of invisibility'. Tests are being conducted by Kirklees Council.

That David Cameron 'shag my wife' spoof in full

Gift Shop

To mark the these happy times for the people and the military of North Korea Madam Mao has launched a range of commemartive items. Get 'em while they're hot.





Capitalist 'America' versus Socialist Korea

Hats off to this enterprising IT company. When the wind blows, bend.

"An historic event that brought happiness to our military and people".

Well, hat's off to plucky North Korea. Everybody loves an underdog and their heart warming story of the little guy making a stand is the modern equivilent of 'It's A Wonderful Life'.

Every time you hear an ominous underground rumbling it's Kim Jong Il getting another set of wings.

Contra to popular opinion

Agnita had let herself go a bit for ABBAs comeback - much to Benny and Bjorn's annoyance

It has been brought to my attention that some Comrades in other parts of the world are still participating in democratic elections in order to win power for the Internationale.

Daniel Ortega in Nicaragua is up for election again next month. Danny - give it up mate. You've lost countless times and been imprisoned. I don't care whether you're in charge of the second biggest party in the Nicaraguan Congress or not. Do it the Chairman's way.

Arm the peasants, go into hiding, wait for victory and then claim it as your handy work! Bingo. You'll be President-for-life and all those other Comrades in South America will be your friends again.

Oh Danny Boy
The pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen
And down the mountainside.....

Chairman for Sale

News today that Christie's are auctioning off Andy Warhol's 1972 portrait of the Great Helmsman have got my revolutionary juices flowing.

I'll start the bidding at 70 million peasants.

Compassionate Conservatism

Former Republican Representative Mark Foley introducing legislation in the House on predatory sex offenders on the internet:

“For too long our nation has tracked library books better than it has sex offenders,”
“That day is coming to an end… We are closing loopholes that sex offenders and pedophiles have used to prey on children.”

Former Republican Representative Mark Foley talking on the phone to 17 year old message boy in the House (MAf54 is Foley).

Maf54: do you really do it face down
Boy: ya
Maf54: kneeling
Boy: well I don’t use my hand…I use the bed itself
Maf54: where do you unload it
Boy: towel
Maf54: really
Maf54: completely naked?
Boy: well ya
Maf54: very nice
Boy: lol
Maf54: cute butt bouncing in the air
Boy: hahaBoy: well I’ve never watched myself
Boy: but ya I guess

Watch it live here.

Fallen Comrade Sheridan

It is with a heavy heart that Madame Mao has been forced to erradicate reference to Comrade Sheridan from the minutes of the Committee for a Workers International Platform.

Hidden video evidence has brought the name of Cupids 'nite' spot into disrepute and I'm afraid his position is no longer tenable.

His his post as MSP and Glasgow City councillor for Pollok will be filled by Comrade Grantham from Wimbledon. Please click on the video link below to see Tommy's mum, Alice, give an emotional rendition of timeless classic The Impossible Dream. Tommy we're all behind you.
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The Cameron Project Explained

"If half of Britain thinks we are just rapacious capitalist pigs and we are in the pockets of multi-nationals, they will just switch off,"

Alan Duncan - Tory Trade Spokesperson, Financial Times

What were the last book and CD you bought?
Alan Hollinghurst's The Line of Beauty. CD was Will Young's Friday's Child

Alan Duncan - Tory Trade Spokesperson, The Guardian

Touchy Feely Tory

I'm in Bournemouth for Tory Party conference.

Bournemouth is the dogging capital of the UK. I'm off down the Meryick car park to stick my hands in some car windows.

Intercept

Intercepted 00.20 29th September 2006

Transcript - decodified JB 07.01 29.

Voice 1: Right, ah've fuckin' done it, whit next?
Voice 2: Excellent Comrade. Activate stage 3 immediately.
Voice 1: Aye, awright. Wance ah've goat the toap joab, can ah start tae roond the fuckers up?
Voice 2: Of course you can my darling. Everyone . Now, what do you say ?
Voice 1: I am a worker - I have no fucking country ..... crackle ....

Ends

A Gift To Society

Madame Mao was dissapointed by last night's BBC special report on China which claimed that organs were being removed from prisoners facing execution and sold to lucrative foreign markets.

While political prisoners may be paraded through football stadiums in front of the masses with a gun to the back of their
head and a rope around their neck you should not be dissuaded that prisoners donate their organs of their own free choice. A gift to society, as one official said.

Think of those little donor cards from the seventies. Purely benign.

Just because China executes 10,000 prisoners per year and that death is the punishment for over 64 criminal charges, including tax evasion and fraud, people feel the need to use rightist terms such as cornea harvesting. This is wrong and serves to remind us only of the impact that counter revolutionary thought can have on destabilising our health service, which is a legitimate organ of revolution.

One must not forget that in the West NHS delivery and store men are taking strike action to save the health service by defending bloated salaries and pension benefits at the expense of front line primary care staff.

All power is relative. Whether it is from the barrel of gun or out the back door of an ambulance.

Ho Ho Ho Chi Min

Like Gordon Brown I understand the need to renew one's self as a politician after years in power.

As part of my strategy I'm sending Christmas cards this year.

Tony Blair's Historic Final Speech to Conference as Leader of the Party

With emotions running high in Manchester Madame Mao nipped out to Cupids to release some tension.

Obviously I disagree with prostitution as a male gender construct but I do enjoy a Thai massage. You can imagine my shock when the masseuse took her top off and asked me if I wanted any extras. "Extras!?!?" I said, "Extras!?!? - what do you mean?"


She pulled down a blind and there was a price list on it:

Full sex £25
Blow job £15
Wank £5
Sausage roll £1.50
Bacon roll £1.50
Egg roll £1.50
Tea 50p
Coffee 50p
Kit Kat 35p

"Are you the woman who wanked off Tommy Sheridan?", I asked.
"Yes" she replied with a wink.
"Well go and wash your hands and get me an egg roll".

Stupid Cupid's

Madame Mao is boarding her armoured train and heading to Manchester for Labour Party conference.

Conference has lost some of its magic in recent years and, although we can expect a bit of electricity following the blood letting, I've decided to spice up my visit a bit.

Since we're in Manchester I've booked into Cupid's where Tommy Sheridan allegedly had all the sex.


I'm taking my dominatrix outfit; blue serge suit and cap with large round glasses, oh, and a bicycle.

I wonder if any of the girls are in a union ...

Knob

The car crash involving Top Gear presenter, Richard Hammond, is a tragedy.

He is clearly in the thoughts of a nation willing him to live. His young family must be terrified.

Why, then, is the Sun leading with News International columnist Jeremy Clarkson and his shitty jokes.

Clarkson is a tit and all his pish about being old and not understanding anything since ACDC exposes him.

You're only 46 you dick - nobody likes you precisely because you like ACDC. I bet he was one of those arseholes wearing a combat jacket with patches all up the back. Maybe a deninm cut off with studs in.

I'll bet Mindy Hammond's heart leaps into her mouth everytime the phone rings and it's him. Seeing him all over the papers last night and this morning must surely make things worse.

Hasta Siempre?

Not long after after the Cuban revolution Castro sent Che Guevara to China. The public reason was that he was looking for a third way to avoid antogonizing the US by becoming too close to the Soviet Union.

The real reason was that Guevara was so barking mad that he was dangerous to have around. The main thrust of Guevara's economic policy while in charge of Cuba's finances in the early years of the republic was to take treasury employees into the courtyard and shoot them in the back of the head.

This he did in between posing with his shirt off for propoganda shots with peasents loading bags of grain into trucks.

Guevara is unusual as an icon. He won't go away. Most post-modern icons lose their value after a relatively short period of time. Think Jim Morrison amongst students just before Brit-pop, he was everywhere and nowhere overnight. We all get bored.

That Jesus style pic of Guevara, however, remains on mouse mats, mugs, posters, slip mats without any sense of irony. I'd like to see someone poncing about on Upper St wearing flip flops and a goatee with a picture of Hitler on their t-shirt.

People forget that this man wanted to drop an atomic bomb on Western Europe in order for a socialist utopia to grow out of the rubble.

That's why he was in China. Mao had the bomb and Guevara had a plan.

Now, my old man, the Chairman, was mad as a brush, but even he wasn't crazy enough to give Guevara the secrets to nuclear technology. He loved the plan and nicked it for himself and got rid of Ernesto.

And that's where he went wrong, you see. If we'd done what Guevara had suggested a true socialst society might only be 250,000 years away (half life).

So it was with pleasure that I saw this game being advertised which basically allows you to become a Geuvara style activist and blow the shit out of South Americans in the interests of international solidarity. Watch the demo here and live the dream .

Look out Chavez - we're coming for you!!

Kennedy Rehearsal

'Rumours on the internet' are posting this spoof of Charlie Kennedy's rehearsal for his big speech yesterday. I'd love for it to be true. Listen here

Dress to Impress

Yesterday's comments about the suitable attire for politicians (i.e. everyone dress like Chairman Mao) have obviously been taken on board by members of the Austrlian Communist Party who were on hand to listen to Australian Premier John Howard's moving tribute at Steve Irwin's funeral yesterday.

Good effort, but remember it's horn rimmed reading glasses not sunnies for that proletarion look.

On the other hand, I'm not quite sure what point Sky News were trying to make with this pic of Steve's daughter.