Ronnie Knight - a love poem

Madame Mao is distraught.

Ronnie Knight the 60s gangster is living in sheltered accommodation at the age of 73.

Ronnie, a former associate of the Krays who was married to Barbara Windsor for 21 years, was the archetypal Costa Criminal. He fled the UK after the £6 million Security Express bullion robbery in the 80s and served four years for money laundering after returning to the UK ten years later because he was home sick.

Now he lives in a £360 a month room and kitchen in a sheltered block in Cambridge.

Fellow inmates claim he doesn’t join them for day trips or dominoes.

Pah! How can such a man give up so easily?

The Chairman was in his first flush of youth at 70 and went on to give guidance and wise council to the people for generations after that.

Knight is a mere boy compared to many of the heroes of the revolution who cheated death by serving the people as waxen effigies long after the dark night in creaking mausoleums.

Despite his claims in 2002 that if the 'right job came along' he would consider it, Knight has degenerated into a withered pap and tool of the ruling classes who seek to criminalise the working classes of London's East End.

Madame Mao is in the huff. I think I fancied him a little with his flash sports cars and sovereign rings. Such a change from the drab conformity.

Gordon Brown is not hard as fuck after all

Madame Mao avidly scanned the newspapers today following reports that Gordon Brown was a Stalinist.

Alas there is no evidence that today's budget would include sending agents to UK regions with a quota for the number of saboteurs and Trotksyists to be liquidated, nor is there any mention of having his closest colleagues shot in the back of the head in a cellar.

In fact it appears that the Chancellor hasn't had a single member of his family sent to a concentration camp.

It would seem that the Chancellor is guility of being a bit gruff and not liking anybody very much.

The world's most dangerous terrorist

While everyone knows that the Chairman was the world's most dangerous terrorist with the death of nearly 40 million peasents under his belt, Madame Mao allowed herself an inscrutable smile at the work of the US military tribunal that uncovered the work of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.

While only using slight torture the US authorities uncovered that Mohammed was the true mastermind behind 9/11.

Luckily for them, in a fit of remorse, Mohammed asked for a number of other offences to be taken into account:

• Planned attacks on Heathrow
• Planned attacks on Canary Wharf
• Planned attacks on Big Ben
• Personally beheading US journalist Daniel Pearl
• Organising Richard Reed the shoe bomber
• The Bali bombing in 2002
• Failed assination of the Pope 1995
• Plot to assinate Jimmy Carter
• Plot to assinate Bill Clinton
• World Trade Centre bombing in 1993
• Planning to attack the Sears Tower in Chicago
• Plans to attack the Empire State Building in New York
• Plans to attack the New York Stock Exchange
• An attempt to destroy Henry Kissinger's oil company in Sumatra
• Targeting of US nuclear installations and suspension bridges in New York
• Plans to destroy US and Israeli embassies in Asia and Australia
• Plans to mount a series of attacks on US Navy vessels around the world

Phew. The list goes on. One can only wonder where he found time for daily prayers and evil laughing.

If only Yates of the yard could apply a bit of waterboarding to Ruth Turner at Number 10 we might get some evidence that Lord Levy not only offered honours for cash, but also that he kidnapped June Ackland from The Bill, was reponsible for Diana's death and was shagging John Prescott at the ODPM Christmas party.

Heather Mills McCartney - call the cops

Friends are worried about Heather Mills McCartney's drinking following reports that Police are concerned about the 'disproportionate' number of late night 999 calls she's been making from her house in Hove.

Apparantly she sits at home at night and gets legless.

More beauty competitions

Like any good communist Madame Mao denounces the modern trend of adapting policy to fit populist agendas or the fetishism of polling data.

There is no linkage, therefore, between the fact that, according to Blogspot statistics, Madame Mao's page loads went through the roof following the announcement of the winner of the Miss Atom 2007 and my new found interest in the Russian Army's own beauty contest.

Here's a pic of last year's finalists (the winner is on the back row second on the left).

The Chinese Communist Party has, since it's inception, encouraged women to play their role in the front line of the people's struggle. In fact it was in the midst of shelling from nationalist and Japanese troops in 1937 that the Chairman picked me out of all those other bitches in Ya'an.

During that period the Soviet Union failed in it's duty to emancipate women comrades and shall be remembered ever thus. It shames me now that in a time when we can find hot chicks to recruit into the infantry and the industrial military complex we can't find a decent pair of boots.

Thank fuck they don't have to take on G.I. Joe across the plains of Central Europe if this is what they're wearing. Chechnya, however, is a muddy shithole most times of the year.

No luck, sister.

Forget Britney ...

... cutting all her hair off, calling the newspapers and telling them that she's attempted to commit suicide.

What about these two blokes in Atlanta who tried to commit suicide by cutting their arms off with a circular saw.

One man cut off both arms with the saw while the other had managed just one before their supervisor read their note and called the police. Aparantly there was a lot of blood.

Representatives of the Chairman have asked the cases of 390 million peasants and intellectuals to be taken into account by investigators. It would seem that these poor souls marched themsleves into concentration camps and asked to be worked to death.

Patrick Mercer says

Women are to be allowed to join the Ghurkas, defence chiefs announced today. As part of the two year review that awarded the hardy Nepalese warriors full pension rights women will be allowed to serve as technicians and signallers.

The Ghurkas have served in the British army since 1815 and are currently posted in Iraq.

Patrick Mercer, Tory Defence Spokesperson sacked yesterday for calling black soldiers idle and useless, said:

"Now look here, just because a chap has a vagina and pair of bosoms it don't make 'em any less of a man. It ain't fair".

"Many of the chaps that served under my command turned out to be women and they were damned fine soldiers".

"I'm not racist. Everyone knows I like an Indian".

Miss Atom 2007

The winner of the mink fur coat and title of Miss Atom 2007 is Elena Kamenka, is 24 and works for Eleron, a center for scientific and technical research.

Perhaps now that they've found a winner the competition organisers will stop pestering Madame Mao to complain that they are nothing to do with the Russian Atomic Agency.

What you doing all over their website then, white boy.

Gordon Brown is hard as fuck

Gordon Brown's spin team are working overtime to prove that their Master is harder than soft Toff David Cameron.

Reports this morning suggest that the Iron Chancellor had agonising root canal work on his teeth — without anaesthetic.

Apparantly he refused any pain relief so it wouldn't effect his delivery on an address on citizenship for immigrants three hours later.

His dentist, by all accounts said, “Mr Brown did not flinch or grimace at any stage and appeared perfectly relaxed. He’s a stoical character.” He later added that "David Cameron is a poof" (I made that bit up).

You may have won round one, Mr Brown, but be aware even the hardest members of the Falung Gong eventually succumb at the hands of the experienced gaoler.

We are watching.

Lord Justice Richards

In these days of celebrity gossip and new fangled media it does your heart good to see a good old fashioned British news story.

Naughty judge Lord Justice Richards likes to get his cock out and flash women on the train.

Aww.

Crispy duck

In keeping with the bird theme, Madame Mao was horrified to learn that the American's have beaten North Korean scientists in their bid to solve the region's food crisis by inventing Stumpy the four legged duck.

The possibilities for feeding the people and making a pretty good return at the Canton Express are endless.

Owner Nicky Janaway, of Warrawee Duck Farm in the New Forest, Hampshire told visiting reporters that they couldn't see Stumpy because "he is having a power nap at the moment because he's exhausted".

Which sounds slightly better than, "well I've a pretty big family and we all like a leg ... ".