Boris Johnson does it again

This time Boris has insulted Portsmouth by writing that the City "is one of the most depressed towns in Southern England, a place that is arguably too full of drugs, obesity, underachievement and Labour MPs."

This is his follow up to accusing Liverpool of "wallowing" in "victim status" when Ken Bigley was be-headed in Iraq and, my personal favourite, comparing Tory Party politics to "Papua New Guinea-style orgies of cannibalism and chief-killing".

One can only wonder when he will apologise for , along with David Cameron, being a member of Oxford's posh Bullingdon Club who like to get so drunk they piss and shit all over the floor.

Wrong kind of spokesperson on the radio

France's TGV trains hopes to break the world speed record today be reaching 540 miles per hour or 150 metres per second. The business section on the Today Programme had some idiot from Network Rail on to answer why UK train's couldn't do the same thing. "Er", he stumbled, "France is a longer country than the UK".

Dick.

Ronnie Knight - a love poem

Madame Mao is distraught.

Ronnie Knight the 60s gangster is living in sheltered accommodation at the age of 73.

Ronnie, a former associate of the Krays who was married to Barbara Windsor for 21 years, was the archetypal Costa Criminal. He fled the UK after the £6 million Security Express bullion robbery in the 80s and served four years for money laundering after returning to the UK ten years later because he was home sick.

Now he lives in a £360 a month room and kitchen in a sheltered block in Cambridge.

Fellow inmates claim he doesn’t join them for day trips or dominoes.

Pah! How can such a man give up so easily?

The Chairman was in his first flush of youth at 70 and went on to give guidance and wise council to the people for generations after that.

Knight is a mere boy compared to many of the heroes of the revolution who cheated death by serving the people as waxen effigies long after the dark night in creaking mausoleums.

Despite his claims in 2002 that if the 'right job came along' he would consider it, Knight has degenerated into a withered pap and tool of the ruling classes who seek to criminalise the working classes of London's East End.

Madame Mao is in the huff. I think I fancied him a little with his flash sports cars and sovereign rings. Such a change from the drab conformity.

Gordon Brown is not hard as fuck after all

Madame Mao avidly scanned the newspapers today following reports that Gordon Brown was a Stalinist.

Alas there is no evidence that today's budget would include sending agents to UK regions with a quota for the number of saboteurs and Trotksyists to be liquidated, nor is there any mention of having his closest colleagues shot in the back of the head in a cellar.

In fact it appears that the Chancellor hasn't had a single member of his family sent to a concentration camp.

It would seem that the Chancellor is guility of being a bit gruff and not liking anybody very much.

The world's most dangerous terrorist

While everyone knows that the Chairman was the world's most dangerous terrorist with the death of nearly 40 million peasents under his belt, Madame Mao allowed herself an inscrutable smile at the work of the US military tribunal that uncovered the work of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.

While only using slight torture the US authorities uncovered that Mohammed was the true mastermind behind 9/11.

Luckily for them, in a fit of remorse, Mohammed asked for a number of other offences to be taken into account:

• Planned attacks on Heathrow
• Planned attacks on Canary Wharf
• Planned attacks on Big Ben
• Personally beheading US journalist Daniel Pearl
• Organising Richard Reed the shoe bomber
• The Bali bombing in 2002
• Failed assination of the Pope 1995
• Plot to assinate Jimmy Carter
• Plot to assinate Bill Clinton
• World Trade Centre bombing in 1993
• Planning to attack the Sears Tower in Chicago
• Plans to attack the Empire State Building in New York
• Plans to attack the New York Stock Exchange
• An attempt to destroy Henry Kissinger's oil company in Sumatra
• Targeting of US nuclear installations and suspension bridges in New York
• Plans to destroy US and Israeli embassies in Asia and Australia
• Plans to mount a series of attacks on US Navy vessels around the world

Phew. The list goes on. One can only wonder where he found time for daily prayers and evil laughing.

If only Yates of the yard could apply a bit of waterboarding to Ruth Turner at Number 10 we might get some evidence that Lord Levy not only offered honours for cash, but also that he kidnapped June Ackland from The Bill, was reponsible for Diana's death and was shagging John Prescott at the ODPM Christmas party.

Heather Mills McCartney - call the cops

Friends are worried about Heather Mills McCartney's drinking following reports that Police are concerned about the 'disproportionate' number of late night 999 calls she's been making from her house in Hove.

Apparantly she sits at home at night and gets legless.

More beauty competitions

Like any good communist Madame Mao denounces the modern trend of adapting policy to fit populist agendas or the fetishism of polling data.

There is no linkage, therefore, between the fact that, according to Blogspot statistics, Madame Mao's page loads went through the roof following the announcement of the winner of the Miss Atom 2007 and my new found interest in the Russian Army's own beauty contest.

Here's a pic of last year's finalists (the winner is on the back row second on the left).

The Chinese Communist Party has, since it's inception, encouraged women to play their role in the front line of the people's struggle. In fact it was in the midst of shelling from nationalist and Japanese troops in 1937 that the Chairman picked me out of all those other bitches in Ya'an.

During that period the Soviet Union failed in it's duty to emancipate women comrades and shall be remembered ever thus. It shames me now that in a time when we can find hot chicks to recruit into the infantry and the industrial military complex we can't find a decent pair of boots.

Thank fuck they don't have to take on G.I. Joe across the plains of Central Europe if this is what they're wearing. Chechnya, however, is a muddy shithole most times of the year.

No luck, sister.

Forget Britney ...

... cutting all her hair off, calling the newspapers and telling them that she's attempted to commit suicide.

What about these two blokes in Atlanta who tried to commit suicide by cutting their arms off with a circular saw.

One man cut off both arms with the saw while the other had managed just one before their supervisor read their note and called the police. Aparantly there was a lot of blood.

Representatives of the Chairman have asked the cases of 390 million peasants and intellectuals to be taken into account by investigators. It would seem that these poor souls marched themsleves into concentration camps and asked to be worked to death.

Patrick Mercer says

Women are to be allowed to join the Ghurkas, defence chiefs announced today. As part of the two year review that awarded the hardy Nepalese warriors full pension rights women will be allowed to serve as technicians and signallers.

The Ghurkas have served in the British army since 1815 and are currently posted in Iraq.

Patrick Mercer, Tory Defence Spokesperson sacked yesterday for calling black soldiers idle and useless, said:

"Now look here, just because a chap has a vagina and pair of bosoms it don't make 'em any less of a man. It ain't fair".

"Many of the chaps that served under my command turned out to be women and they were damned fine soldiers".

"I'm not racist. Everyone knows I like an Indian".

Miss Atom 2007

The winner of the mink fur coat and title of Miss Atom 2007 is Elena Kamenka, is 24 and works for Eleron, a center for scientific and technical research.

Perhaps now that they've found a winner the competition organisers will stop pestering Madame Mao to complain that they are nothing to do with the Russian Atomic Agency.

What you doing all over their website then, white boy.

Gordon Brown is hard as fuck

Gordon Brown's spin team are working overtime to prove that their Master is harder than soft Toff David Cameron.

Reports this morning suggest that the Iron Chancellor had agonising root canal work on his teeth — without anaesthetic.

Apparantly he refused any pain relief so it wouldn't effect his delivery on an address on citizenship for immigrants three hours later.

His dentist, by all accounts said, “Mr Brown did not flinch or grimace at any stage and appeared perfectly relaxed. He’s a stoical character.” He later added that "David Cameron is a poof" (I made that bit up).

You may have won round one, Mr Brown, but be aware even the hardest members of the Falung Gong eventually succumb at the hands of the experienced gaoler.

We are watching.

Lord Justice Richards

In these days of celebrity gossip and new fangled media it does your heart good to see a good old fashioned British news story.

Naughty judge Lord Justice Richards likes to get his cock out and flash women on the train.

Aww.

Crispy duck

In keeping with the bird theme, Madame Mao was horrified to learn that the American's have beaten North Korean scientists in their bid to solve the region's food crisis by inventing Stumpy the four legged duck.

The possibilities for feeding the people and making a pretty good return at the Canton Express are endless.

Owner Nicky Janaway, of Warrawee Duck Farm in the New Forest, Hampshire told visiting reporters that they couldn't see Stumpy because "he is having a power nap at the moment because he's exhausted".

Which sounds slightly better than, "well I've a pretty big family and we all like a leg ... ".

P..P..Pick up a spliff?

Reports reach MmeMao that troubled UK rock-star Pete Doherty has been photographed at a zoo feeding a penguin a marajuana cigarette. I feel unable to condone such animal cruelty as during the period of cultural revolution in China I was partially responsible for the deaths of millions of sparrows and other birds. Confused? Let me tell you a story.

It was the balmy summer of '58 and the late, great Chairman had declared sparrows to be an enemy of the state. NB: All those so-called dictators out there (I'm talking to you Kim); you haven't reached true greatness until an animal is declared an enemy of the state. It is hard to imagine how it is possible to kill hundreds of millions of birds in a year but when the Chinese set their mind to something it is always on a massive scale. Forgive me, I have moved off topic. So, the sparrows are enemies of the state as they are the reason for our crop failure and mass famine.

All over China peasants spend all day banging saucepan lids together until eventually the birds (or the peasants) die of exhaustion. As a result the next years harvest was spectacular. Unfortunately, the year after was rather worse, as with no sparrows to eat them, a plague of locusts destroyed all the crops and 30 million people died from starvation.

You can read more here. In the meantime here is a picture of some dead sparrows:

Kebab Belly from the telly

As predicted yesterday Jade Goody got her two page spread plus pics in the Sun this morning. Unfortunately for her she was on the receiving end of a right good kicking.

They headlined the piece as Kebab Belly goes to Delhi and claimed she put her foot in it right away buy announcing that “I’m here on a private visit, for four days. People have been really nice. There are no cameras or anything. I’ve paid for the trip myself. I like the food here. Everyone knows I love an Indian.”

Strangely she's brought a telly presenter armed with a camcorder with her.

Miss Atom hots up

The competition to become Miss Atom 2007 is hotting up. Hopefuls from all across the Russian Federation and the former Soviet Republics are jiggling about like excited little atoms. A decision will be made next month and an the competition organisers, Rostatom - the Russian Nuclear Agency - have announced the prizes for this year:

1. A mink Coat
2. A gold and diamond jewellery set
3. An exclusive Swiss watch

These guys sure know the way to a post graduate nuclear scientist's heart.

Check out last year's joint winners and don't forget to have a look at our regular side bar.

Madame Mao and Danielle Lloyd have already posted their applications!

You'll never walk again

Madame Mao has little time for football but I do know where Liverpool is as I have been a massive but discreet fan of the Fab Four since the mid 1960s. Especially Ringo.

I think it was something to do with the suits.

While watching the Liverpool versus Barcelona last week there was a flag in the Liverpool crowd that said:

Ronaldinho, we’re not going home without Cilla’s teeth.

I allowed myself an inscrutable smile at that.

Jade Goody found - because she phoned the press and told them where she was.

Sky are running an exclusive interview with Jade Goody this afternoon claiming to have tracked her down in Delhi.

How convenient is that? I didn't know anyone was even looking for her. Do you think that by coincidence she might have accidentally got herself a two page spread with pictures in tomorrow's Sun.

Goody says "I could have had the entire trip paid for and all the people I'm travelling with but I didn't want that" ... I'm paying for the trip and all my expenses myself".

No, I just travelled halfway across the world with an entourage and phoned up News International by mistake because its number's on my speed dial next to Mother Therasa.

Interestingly, sales of Jade's perfume were terrible for Valentines day. Initially blamed on the racist bullying it turned out that giving your wife a present which says "I want you to smell like Jady Goody" was a bit of passion killer.

Prince Harry's barmy army

Prince Harry is going to Iraq. Some brilliant spinning in the papers this morning about how professional soldier Harry (he's been in the army for less than 18 months most of which he spent at Sandhurst) won the right to fight by threatening to quit unless he saw some action in the Gulf.

What do you reckon - will the 11 troops operating four Scimitar light tanks in his squad love our Harry and follow him to Hell and back? Or will they think he's some posh twat who is so far removed from their daily lives that he thinks nothing of spending £10,000 on one bar bill.

This 22 year old leader of men is in the papers every day pictured falling out of Mayfair night clubs at two in the morning with braying aristos. Not quite a couple of pints with the lads in the NAAFI is it?

Do you think Harry has ever met his men?

Harry’s Private Secretary, Jamie Lowther-Pinkerton, has been in negotiations for weeks trying to keep him away from the front line. What's the bets that Harry's reconnaissance missions in the desert mean travelling round in circles miles away from any insurgency or suicide bombers.

On second thoughts, who wouldn't love a man that guarantees you'll not be getting your legs blown off by some nutter in an old Cortina with a boot full of semtex.

Colorado Springs’ Seventh Annual Father-Daughter Purity Ball

Madame Mao may be old but she’s still a woman and it was with some heartbreak that I found that I had been refused entry to the Colorado Springs’ Seventh Annual Father-Daughter Purity Ball.

These events take place all across the United States and fathers and daughters dress up in full evening wear and exchange rings in a weird wedding style ceremony to symbolise the fact that the father is prepared to go to ‘war’ to protect his girls virginity until marriage.

As someone who in an esoteric sense has already married her father, Chairman Mao father of all the people, this whole concept had a haunting resonance for me.

Perhaps, however, I’d feel a little out of place as a 92 year old as the majority of the girls at spending time with the old man are, as Purity Ball guidelines suggest, “just old enough to have begun menstruating”.

Some fathers even bring girls under 10 and it’s not unheard of for four year olds to turn up on their dad’s arm in a floor length gown. All of them in the end sign a purity covenant with the Lord.

I suggested with the organisers that I was being discriminated on political grounds because as a good communist during the revolution I had systematically hunted down christian priests and landlords, tied them to poles in the middle of village squares and encouraged the mob to beat them to death with farm tools.

It turns out, however, that in the end none of the dad’s would have been interested in my baggy old grey fanny.

Britney Shears

It is always sad when a celebrity has had enough and it was with particular regret that Madame Mao read about US teen sensation Britney Spears.

We were upset to see that in her desperation she has resorted to wearing her hair in the style of a pre revolutionary Chinese peasant.

In the last days of Imperial China at the turn of the 19th Century cutting off one's top knot was seen as the supreme act of defiance.

It symbolised the break in the feudal link between the land and emperor. As the fortunes of war fluctuated in places like the Chairman's home province of Hunan between the forces of progress, warlords and government whether or not you wore the topknot meant the difference between life and death. A grizzly death at that.

Now I'm not suggesting for a minute that Britney Spears is the modern equivalent of having your feet bound, but if the sock fits ...

Unemployed forced to take English lessons

Civil liberties groups have expressed anger at Government plans to force job seekers to learn English.

John Prescott, Deputy Prime Minister, resonded on behalf of the Government saying "it is mistravesty of justice that those under the unemploymentibility creationed by the years of Thatcherite out of the classroom pool table shouldn't get a jobless".

Bring me my arrows of desire

Darts ace Andy 'The Viking' Fordham has vowed that he will be fit to take part in the World Darts Championship despite suffering a stroke, fluid on the lung, speech and walking difficulties and breathing problems

Andy, who has a 56 inch waist and weighs in at 26 stone, has gone on record about being worried about his fitness levels said "I want to get back on the oche as soon as possible."

A true example of proletatarian endeavour over the increasing gentrification of working class sport. I defy any member of the western economic elite picnicing on the stands at Stamford Bridge to eat and drink themselves to death for the love of their game.

Bernard Mathews is a kindly old man who wouldn't hurt a fly

Bernard Mathews has come in for some criticism today with suggestions that his company may have brought H5N1 to the UK from Hungary.

I'm sure Mr. Mathews is just a lovely old man who sits on his porch with his grand children at his feet scattering corn for his much loved birds. I'll bet he even has names for them all.

See for yourself.

Miss Atom 2007

Lily Allen has entered the Miss Atom 2007 competition to find the sexiest woman employee in the Russian nuclear industry.

There have been nearly 100 new entries since the last time the competition was mentioned.

A close shave with the law

According to The Independent Scottish coppers arrested a health and safety expert last year for shaving while driving at 70 mph. He was apparently on his way to a first aid course.

Despite being previously involved in road crash investigations this guy had to lean across the car to see in his mirror properly because he was also storing a dozen mannequins in his back seat.

A PC then stood in the dock, opened his notebook and uttered the immortal line. “The accused had only one hand on the steering wheel and appeared to be checking if he was getting a good shave”.

Turn the other cheek

Both the Sun and Mirror are outraged by the pub in Tipton which serves Barrymore Pie. The dish is described on the menu as “Faggots swimming in gravy” .

This is a bit rich coming from the Sun. In the same issue it eulogises George Takei who played Mr. Sulu in Star Trek despite the headline from last year when George announced he was gay - “Beam Me Up Botty”.

Astronut

To America and the story about a US Astronaut allegedly trying to kidnap a love rival.

Navy Capt Lisa Nowak,who flew to the international space station last July, has been charged with attempted kidnapping, battery and other crimes.

She travelled across the US wearing a nappy so as not to leave any clues in petrol station toilets and was wearing a wig and a trenchcoat when she was captured in a car park trying to get in the car of Collen Shipman who she believed was having an affair with fellow Astronaut, Navy Commander William Oefelein.

In Nowak's bag was a selection of wigs, a pepper spray, a ball bearing gun, a steel mallet, a knife, masking tape and some black plastic bin bags.

Hmmm ....

Whenever Madame Mao been found with that kind of stuff in my bag I've simply claimed diplomatic immunity and had the copper busted down to traffic patrol.

Bang Bang Chicken gets whole new meaning...

The BBC reports that the bodies of six people have been found in a Chinese restaurant in northern Germany.

The police are failing to reveal a motive for the killings but if the portion on chicken chow-mein I got this weekend was anything to go by I can hazard a guess...

Call that Chinese food? The restaurant victims had clearly angered one of my comrades. Having been given a quizzical look after ordering the cultural revolution staple of cold rice and water and then been presented with some decadent, westernised, mechanically reclaimed, sweet-and-sour, MSG-laden dish of capitalism... they took the appropriate action.

Bird flu flew through you

Madame Mao de-camped for the country over the weekend.

I visited my Summer residence - the Sea Marge Hotel in Overstrand, Norfolk.

The hotel was originally owned by German financier Sir Edgar Speyer who was a great friend of Kaiser Willhelm. Churchill repatriated him to Germany during WW1 after it was found he had converted the Coach House into a seaward facing gun placement and was in the habit of signalling German U Boats off the Norfolk Coast in the dead of night.

On Saturday night after dinner as the women retired to the drawing room leaving the men to play billiards and smoke cigars I slipped away through one of the restored passage ways behind the library to the Coach House.

Concealed by shadows I carefully moved the old Aga from against the back wall and pulled out my radio equipment sending just two short bursts to the Xai Class subs waiting off Foulness Sands.

You can imagine my anger when it turns out the Comrade Mathews picked up the signals and, using the wrong code book, released the H5N1 early.

In the end a biosecurity zone was set up around his farm at Holton, 27km south-west of Lowestoft, a 3km protection zone and a 10km surveillance zone was put in place – and the plans of the Red Hordes went back to the drawing board.


And I don't mind telling you that the Foreign Minister and I were furious at the devestation that Mathews and his bloody bird flu had caused. Especially to the hotel's priceless flock of Miami Flamingos, not to mention the croquet lawn.


You know, I don't think they'll have us back next year.

Yanked off air

The Sun this morning has underlined the gravity of the situation facing Tony Blair in the cash for peerages issue by sharing the front page with the equally devastating news that my friend Danielle Lloyd has also been quizzed by police over race crimes on Big Brother.

The Mirror, however, has revealed that this is only the latest body blow to beleaguered Channel 4 who have been forced to postpone Wank Week in the light of the racism row and their mis-timed bid to secure Govt funding of of over £100,000 million for new media.

Apparently Wank Week was due to be shown next month and included shows called Male Masturbators and Masturbating Girls and was supposed to build on the success of last years Wankathon where cameras filmed grown men pulling one off in support of an AIDS charity.

Madame Mao is rather like Queen Victoria in this respect. Can someone please explain what or who Avina Wank is? I thought it was the name of the Soviet Comintern officer responsible for South East Asia who I used to know from the old days.

Atomic Bombshells Wanted

Rostatom the Russian Atomic Energy Agency has a launched a beauty competition with a difference. Miss Atom 2007 is aimed at proving once for all that working in the Russian atomic industry does not automatically mean hereditary disfigurement .

Competitors must be aged between 18 and 35 and currently work in the industry in Russia or a former Soviet Satellite.

Readers may remember that Madame Mao was Miss Comrade Shanghai 1935. By virtue of the fact that the Chairman purchased nuclear technology from Khrushchev in the late 50s means that I am eligible for entry.

Have a look at some of the beauties who will be battling it out with me and Danielle Lloyd.
















For full biogs and more pics of the 10 contestants already entered click here.

Girls with two heads or more need not apply.

Madame Mao checks into the Priory

Madame Mao has checked herself into the Priory with stress and depression following a media storm over claims that 70 million peasants and intellectuals lost their lives during her time in the Chairman Mao House between 1949 and 1976.

Mao claims that she was tipped over the edge after her husband made fun of her publically in front of the Politburo and continued to have affairs with nubile farm girls.

Big Brother winner Shilpa Shetty said, "I do not see people of different colours or creeds - only workers".

Anti bourgeoise bias in the Tory press

I read this interesting critique of the British Higher Eduction system this morning by Christine Odone in the Telegraph.

"Stand by for youngsters, in the best traditions of a Stalinist show-trial or Maoist self-criticism session, using their university interviews not to display their knowledge but to repudiate their parents'. "My bourgeois-deviationist parents tried to instill a love of books," the youngster will crow, "but out of loyalty to proletarian internationalism I resisted and did nothing but play computer games." Asbos, not A-levels, are the ticket to the groves of academe."

Is the Telegraph at long last turning its ample hulk, much like the MSC Napoli, away from its support for UKIP and back towards the mainstrea Cameron utopia?

It turns out that former soldier, Ben Bradley, who murdered four of his family in the North East of England with an army pistol was insane

I wonder what gave them that idea.

MSC Napoli bandits brought to justice

Madame Mao has been unable to post over the past couple of days as she has been down on the Devon Coast helping set up the security cordon around the MSC Napoli 'clean up'.

Prospective scavengers will now be put off by the sight of villagers tied to polls at strategic points around the cordon with urine soaked bandages over their eyes.

Incidentally, look what I found in one of the containers.


Thousands of these fellas all standing in row, some of them with horses and one guy was even taking a shit in a bucket. Obviously, as an artefact of a recidivist fuedal culture, I have requisitioned this in the name of the people to remind them of how free they have become.

MmeMao Exclusive!

Matthew Taylor, Liberal Democrat MP and sex-monger is stepping down. More details to follow.

Edit: The BBC is reporting the reason he is stepping down is "to spend more time with his family". Popbitch may disagree. Google: LibDem + back of taxi

İlgiltere'de gündem Prescott'ın penisi

Tracey's back working in Prezza's old department. Click here for a very entertaining run down of the whole sorry affair in Turkish. Stangely you get the whole gist from the pictures without having to understand a word you're reading.



...

The art of politics

The squawking reactionary Trotskyites of the revisionist Socialist Workers Party wielded megaphones outside London’s Coliseum Theatre last Friday as Madame Mao skulked in the shadows of St Martin’s lane.

While the Trotskyites were spying on English National Ballet’s BNP Ballerina, Simone Clarke, who was performing in Giselle, Madame Mao was spying on the factionalist traitors in the SWP.

Members of the BNP’s Barking and Dagenham political wing mounted a counter demonstration outside the box office and Madame Mao was shocked to hear one urge on his fellow Nazi sympathisers with the slogan:

“Once we’ve battered these commie bastards lets batter the poofs wearing tights inside the theatre!”

The deeply disturbing thing is that Clarke's partner is a Cuban immigrant of Chinese descent called Yet-San Chan.

This is too much for me, I'm an old woman. Politics is being turned on its head. The next thing the Conservatives will call themselves the party of working people and Labour will privatise state health care.

Scott of the Antartic's last letter

Captain Scott's ill fated expedition to the South Pole in 1912 is one of the most moving stories of the twentieth century.

His final letter to his wife was released this morning illuminating the human tragedy that unfolded as he realised he would not be first to the pole.


Dearest Kathleen,

Fucks sake there's loads of little Chinese fellers here. Thousands of 'em. How in God's name did they get here before us!?!?!

Capt. Scott

p.s. It's fucking freezing

For Fox Sake!

Dr Liam Fox, the erstwhile Conservative Party Shadow Defence Secretary has dropped a bit of a blooper. He made comments alluding to the participation of Poland and Hungary in NATO. Apparently they don't spend enough on defence and therefore are reneging on a NATO commitment ergo they should be expelled.

Now we shall for a minute ignore Dr Fox's lack of geo-political nous and concentrate instead on a different course of action for the Conservative government to espouse. Why not have Britain leave NATO and join in a a bilateral pact with yours truly and the People's Republic of China. We've got the armed forces and all the weapons you could need; and as long as you turn a blind eye when we nuke Taiwan everything will be hunky-dory.

Liam, baby, me love you long time.

My little China girl

David Bowie, my most high profile and least effective spy, has reached 60. It's 30 years since he wrote his love poem to me.

How strange that the years continue to pass. Bowie first came to the attention of Madame Mao after her young disciple Michael Connerty started sending excited reports from his bedroom in the 1970s.

The Cultural Revolution was at its height back then and the prospect of using Bowie’s skeletal form as a Trojan spaceman to infect the capitalist western Christian/Judean construct was one that was too good to miss.

Through Connarty I sent a number of missives to the pop star. where he became the Thin White Duke I urged him to become instead the Short Yellow Comrade. Where he wore the garish face paint of Alladin Sane I urged the more correct serge blue suit and cap, thick glasses and a bicycle.

Hah! That Bowie … no imagination.

There can only be one Madame

Madame Mao has noted that this year will be significant in terms of elections in Europe. In France Segolene Royal will take on the right which appears split between Sarkozy, Chirac and his acolyite de Villipan and the odious Jean Marie Le Pen. Which means she might win.

Royal is cunningly telling people she is refusing to play to the media while at the same time allowing herself to be photographed in a bikini and having herself voted the sixth most beautiful woman by French FHM. Coming in behind such disfigured hags as Penelope Cruz and Elizabeth Hurley.

In my day beauty was measured in the steel of socialist conviction not the fleeting shallowness of looks.

May I remind readers that I was Miss Comrade Shanghai between 1929 and 1935 and was complimented by President Nixon himself. If I have my way I will abolish the election process and then I will abolish Madame Royal!!


There can only be one Madame of the Left!

Back to the future

Madame Mao had a look at her readership statistics this morning and found the most page loads from people who googled search words came from the following:

'shag my wife' which takes you to a post called 'The David Cameron Shag My Wife Spoof in Full'

or

'madame tory' which takes you to a post called 'Touch Feely Tory' about dogging at the British Conservative Party conference in Bournemouth.

Both categories of reader apparently in search of a bit of adult correction.

Obviously being spanked is the bridge between Conservative values and Cameron's modern Tory Pary!

Piss up in a brewery

Sky News this lunchtime and Foreign Editor, Tim Marshall, has just come out with a classic on the story about an enquiry into Sadam's Execution turning into a happy slapping and being filmed on a mobile.

He launched into one about the Iraqi authorities and said "I mean if you can't even organise an orderly state execution what chance have you of running the country".

Exactly! Sadam may have been a monster but at least you knew where you were with him - no messing about, just mustard gas the whole village.

The Americans came out with a brilliant line too: "well he was alright when he left here".

The Sky anchor piled right in and said that the US had looked after Sadam for 3 years and the Iraqis had ballsed it up after just 32 minutes of custody.

Yup, the Yanks know how to look after condemned prisoners - they should do Bush has fried enough of them.

What about all those guys stripped naked, attacked with dogs arranged into a pile and made to wank each other off in Abu Ghraib? I'm sure they'll take great solace in the idea that the Americans know how to treat prisoners with solemnity and dignity.

Post script: Iraqi PM says he doesn't like being leader and wants to quit before his term of office is up. I'm not bloody suprised!

Sadamned if you don't Sadamned if you do

Tom Butler the Bishop of Southwark once again this morning indulged his passion for going on the Today Programme.

On the last occasion he was claiming to be the victim of a neurological amnesia - a medical condition which gets you really pissed - in a deranged bid to keep his job.

This morning in what can only be seen as grievious sucking up in a deranged bid to keep his job he went on air to defend the execution of Sadam Hussein on the grounds that it's all right if it's done with a bit of dignity. You know, helping Granny in the hospice slip gently away into the night with her bony fingers clasped round her rosary.

I'm sure similar thoughts were in Sadam's mind when he cut off the arms of prisoners, fed the limbs into a meet grinder along with strips of plastic which he made the victims eat.

Thai the knot

Bombs ripped through the heart of Bangkok yesterday prompting the British, US and Australian Embassies to warn nationals not to visit the city.

Given that at this time of year most of South East Asia is heaving with hundreds of thousands of pasty Europeans trying to avoid Christmas and New Year this seems a relatively tall order.

One can only assume the bombers had one particular pasty faced couple in mind.